Right then, the debauchery…and the hotel staff. As not nearly enough was said in the way of tearing said grumpy, cranky folks a new hole to sit on, allow me. What will follow is an open letter to the staff. As I feel that a consensus on things that actually DID happen from those that we actually remember whenever drinking, please feel free to add to it before we mail it to them…

Dear Tight Assed Morons,

While I understand that your establishment is a business hotel, and therefore is usually a fairly quiet placed reserved for traveling businessmen and the prostitutes who frequent their rooms, WHO THE HELL HAS A BUSINESS MEETING ON SATURDAY?!?!? If an establishment of lodging is going to allow something as raucous as a bachelor party to be headquartered within its too-thin walls, said hotel has a strict responsibility not to allow any other patrons on either side of designated drinking rooms (or below them if possible). This is simply common courtesy, both to those of the party, and those more slovenly, boring folks who actually wish to be alseep in nearby rooms at 2 am. As Dave had informed the staff that this would be a bachelor party, I assumed that any self-respecting hotel would have turned us down before even allowing us to make reservations. The fact that they agreed to let the, “drunken jackass party of 17″ through the front door is, in my opinion, a passive, de-facto agreement to allow for the following:
1) slamming doors. One cannot expect 17 dumbasses in a HIGH state of inebriation to stay in one place for long, especially if they have rented two rooms (conveniently NOT placed next door to each other.
2) Drinking, lots of drinking and the loud jackass comments that come with it. What does a hotel manager expect out of a group of 20-some year olds who haven’t seen each other in 8 years? Of COURSE we are going to make more noise than Michael Moore and Dick Chenney in a drinking contest! They should be glad we didn’t bring a live monkey, or giant churro…or the entire contents of Jon Hansen’s music studio.
3) Puke-stained husband-to-be wandering in at strange hours. This one should be obvious, a given at any bachelor party…ISN’T THAT THE POINT!?!?
4) Recollections from high school, ridiculous lingo and pseudonyms that NO ONE can correctly recall the origin of being shouted out open windows and friends and passerby alike. Really, if a hotel staff is unwilling to put up with complaints from people on the street, then they honestly should not allow lodging for this sort of event.
5) People getting lost attempting to find their room for the fifth time. Again, this goes along with ANY large group of folks who are in town more for the beer than to see the Space Needle. Is this BUSINESS HOTEL not prepared for visiting Japanese businessmen???? Dealing with lost drunks wandering the hallways should be the first thing covered during the, “how to be a pissy hotel staffer” seminar apparently demanded of all employees.
This was actually a rather short list, leaving open to group debate whether we wish to include items such as waving the minibar charge or room service billing. I feel that the least this piss-poor staff could have done for us was to raid some of the left-behind shaving kits that they MUST be storing somewhere, find the nearly-expired Vallium tabs that sit in the bottom of most high-powered businessmen’s bags, take two each and leave us the hell alone. (or give the Vallium to us in hope to force unconsciousness)