Internet Zillionaire

As winter motions to the charging spring to let it “play through”, I’m both elated and slightly melancholy. You see, with the passing of the cold season I am forced to reckon with the fact that I won’t get to see, hear, or utter a word about ear muffs for months. Yes, that’s right, ear muffs. It’s not that I spend all winter jabbering on about ear muffs or anything, but without fail, every time I see someone wearing them I laugh. They seem so practical, yet absurd. Such a great contradiction. Why are they so furry on the outside, I wonder? What about the rest of the head, doesn’t it get cold too? Can I get other fashion accessories that look like music paraphenalia? I’m still waiting for “jewel-case” themed boxer-briefs, for instance (why thank you, that is a clever pun isn’t it!).

But it’s not just the sight of them that makes me chuckle. I love saying the words. Ear muffs. Muffs, in particular, is the humdinger. It’s one of those words that sounds just how it looks. A perfect of example of onomatopoeia, in my opinion. I’m so happy saying it I might just start describing all my clothing using the ear muff formula. It’s easy, just pick a body part that can get cold and is normally protected from the elements by some swath of fabric and add the word “muff or muffs” to it.

Some examples:

• Shirt = Chest muff
• Bra = Breast muffs
• Scarf = Neck muff
• Boxer-briefs = Nut muffs
• And my personal favorite… Panties = Muff muffs

It’s only a matter of time before this catches on, I think. And don’t forget, you muffed it here first. I think I just found a new nickname for that next someone special I meet as well… the muffler!

Note from management: I apologize for the graphic nature of the above, but I think you’ll agree PG-13 is sometimes way funnier than G. Please keep the comments decent. We are getting hits from Google now.