I’ve got Mother Theresa’s corpse on the phone and she wants to know how a hot tub, a 70″ tv, the caviar toothpaste, your diamond-encrusted money belt collection, and all your other ten-thousand luxuries amount to a vow of poverty. Think of it a different way when she is buying things from shady dudes who show up on the door. Think of it as helping a guy like me out. It’s not that far off right? Will the real slim shady please stand up?

And the vow of silence could also be referred to as time to know when the show is over. The curtain has to come down sometimes or there can never be a second act. I’m reminded of my favorite quote from MacBeth:

To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day
To the last syllable of recorded time,
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.

Perhaps a confession is in order. First off, all of the above is true. And actually, what you describe is actually “Understated and Reserved Matt.” As soon as you would go to the bathroom or try to get the bar staff to cut me off, that’s when “Zany and Unpredictable Matt” would make an appearance…

Aside from telling the senior partners in your firm that I was a male escort, here were some other professions I held that evening:

Exotic Dancer (we met at a bachelorette party.)
Your therapist.
Your probation officer.
The Pool Cleaner at your apartment complex.

It didn’t end there, I also told people I was a junior in high school and that I was hoping to take you to the prom this spring. Or, I’d yawn and tell people that I was a married man just seeing you on the side.

Or I’d come up with crazy places where we met: like family reunions or AA meetings. Or I’d tell a story about how your love letters brought me comfort while I was in jail… stuff like that.

While I tried to say this with a chuckle, most of your coworkers took me seriously. And if they’re gonna be that naive, why even bother setting the record straight?

Anyway, the fact that I was never invited to another corporate function and that you moved several time zones away did not go unnoticed…

MR

Fast forward to the night of the event. Matt begins the evening introducing himself as my awkward teenage brother (a role that many of my coworkers actually seemed to buy) and ended the night telling the senior partners in the firm that he was a male escort I’d found in the Manwhores R Us section of the yellow pages.

That night, Matt averaged about one laugh to every four horrified gasps. For those of you that know Matt, it’s no shock that he considered these pretty good odds and therefore continued happily on his quest to get me fired from my job. Thanks to Matt, partners in the firm that had never heard of me before definitely knew who I was after that night. So for all of you that might have wondered why I decided to move to my company’s Chicago office – well, now you have a little more insight.

MR and JR, I hope you come to Chicago to visit me soon. Just don’t count on meeting any of my new co-workers.