Internet Zillionaire

My parents officially retired a few weeks ago, and I thought I would commemorate the event with a few posts about their former professions. Last week I lampooned my mom’s career. Now it’s my dad’s turn…

Former Occupation: Manager of warehouse/receiving facility at a local university.

Note the occupation above. This makes him a state employee. Hence, the title of this post: Your Tax Dollars At Work. Believe me, after finishing this post you’ll have plenty of reasons to write your congressman.

The Internet: My dad actually accomplished something pretty amazing a few weeks ago, as I really had no idea you could retire from surfing the Internet all day. To be fair, that’s not all that his day consisted of…

The Forwards: Have you ever wondered where all the forwards clogging your inbox actually originated from? My dad’s computer is ground zero. He’ll send out anything… just a few weeks ago (true story) he sent me a series of pictures capturing a guy attempting to shoot a firecracker from between his butt cheeks. Again, your tax dollars at work.

The Notebooks: Using the Internet and an ungodly amount of time on his hands, my dad meticulously researched products before getting locked into a contract or making major purchase. Have you ever seen a 400-page notebook comparing the features of cable television versus a satellite dish? What about a binder containing analysis of every cell phone plan in existence? Of course, by the time these notebooks are actually complete, the technology he’s looking to purchase is obsolete.

Emailing: His personal emails are much like his comments on this site: Contrite, no punctuation, all letters capitalized. Essentially, my father types as if he has purchased a classified ad and is paying by the character.

The Coffee Drinking: Sadly, my father is also retiring from sitting around and drinking coffee all day. His coffee consumption has been well documented on this site. Now picture a scenario where the coffee was supplied free of charge, in unlimited quantities, and he was being paid to drink it. In other words, this was his definition of a dream job.

Lunch: My dad walked away from a job that provided him with the luxury of going home for lunch everyday. Of course, he eats his lunch on the car ride home, so that his entire lunch hour can be devoted to taking a nap. You see, a full day of surfing the Internet, sending out a ridiculous amount of forwards, and drinking 2 or 3 pots of coffee really takes a lot out of you. Yes, he’ll be tough to replace. Because, despite all of this, he’s still considered highly productive by state employee standards.

Plans For Retirement: Watch the Godfather trilogy. That’s it. This is no exaggeration. My father has worked a lifetime with the hope that he could one day watch three movies in succession. Evidently, I’m pretty sure my dad expects his golden years to last about nine hours.

The Van, My Dad, or Both?: Finally, the only thing truly in need of retirement at my parents’ house is their ‘89 Dodge Caravan. This vehicle is an eyesore, with the performance to match. It currently has a blue-book value of $45, and that includes the $30 worth of gas in the tank. If you need further proof that the van is ready to be retired, read the following statements and try and determine whether I’m referring to the van, my dad, or both?

1. Has a spare tire…
2. Is old and gray…
3. Performance is sometimes sluggish due to bad gas…
4. Is no longer insurable…
5. Often blows a gasket on long family car trips…
6. Not cool to be seen in public with…
7. Has dead insects stuck in grill…
8. Leaks fluids overnight….
9. Is developing a musty aroma…
10. Is prone to backfiring…
11. Is not compatible with modern electronics…
12. Questionable as to whether it can reach 60…
13. Has an ample seat cushion…
14. If left on the street corner, neighbors would likely complain…
15. Requires an annual inspection of the tailpipe…
16. Needs major body work…
17. Will likely be abandoned on side of road someday…
18. Would likely fail an emissions test…

So there it is, best of luck and congratulations to my parents on their early retirement…