January 12th, 2006

The Ideal Arby’s Upsize

by The Centaur

Cashier: “Welcome to Arby’s, may I take your order?”
Me: “Yeah… I’ll have the number three combo meal.”
Cashier: “What kind of fries?”
Me: “Homestyle.”
Cashier: “And what kind of soft drink?”
Me: “Pepsi.”
Cashier: “And would you like to upsize your order for only 49 cents more?”

Me (pausing for dramatic effect): “…Upsize? You want me to upsize? Let me get this straight: For 49 cents, Arby’s will moderately increase the size of my fries and drink, but leave the actual sandwich at its original size. And you call that an “upsize.”

Me (continuing): “Look, why would I want 10% more fries, 80% more cola, and no change whatsoever to the size of my original sandwich? Who finds this ridiculously disproportionate meal satisfying? Instead of calling it an “upsize”, you should ask if I want to “disproportionize” my meal… because really, that’s the end result.”

(Customers in adjacent lines began to turn their heads and exchange nods of agreement.)

Me (further emboldened by their reaction): And of all the items in my combo meal, the sandwich is the one thing I’d be most interested in having upsized to begin with. And yet it’s completely neglected in the upsizing process! Let’s be real here. The sandwich is the focal point of the meal. How can you offer to upsize my meal, and not include the most integral part?

(The cashier cocks his head to one side, as the logic of my rant is undeniable.)

Me: “And what’s the point of upsizing my soft drink at all? It comes with free refills anyway! All you’re really doing is increasing the size of my cup. If free refills are available, the only thing I’m interested in having upsized is the size of my bladder.”

Me (glancing at cashier’s nametag): “Brian, please know that this tirade is not directed at you. I’m just here to help. Don’t get me wrong; the upsize is a beautiful idea. But it has to be a true upsize. The sandwich, the fries, and the drink must all be increased in size proportionately. At burger places, I could understand the logistical difficulty in doing this. But this is Arby’s! All of your sandwiches are just meat and bun anyway. Are you telling me you can’t stock two or three sizes of buns for varying degrees of upsizing?”

Me: “Look, Brian, I know you’re not running this outfit. I need you to pass this up the chain of command: Arby’s can lead us to a better tomorrow… but it’ll take more than a talking oven mitt to get there. Arby’s has the opportunity to be the one fast food establishment with a legitimate upsize option. And let’s face it, that’s all any of us want in life… a true upsize of our combo meal.”

Me (clearing throat): “Ahem… So, to answer your question: No thanks. I am not interested in your so-called upsize.”

The restaurant was silent for a moment. Then, starting in the back, a customer began a slow clap that resonated throughout the establishment. One by one, the rest of the patrons joined in the applause. Even Brian and his fellow cashiers extended an ovation. I smiled in satisfaction and offered them a modest nod. As I turned around, the crowd parted in reverence so that I could make my way to the condiment station to load up on Arby’s and Horsey sauce unabated.

Author’s note: Most of this account took place in my imagination.

7 Responses to “The Ideal Arby’s Upsize”

Paddy O'Furniture
01/13/2006

Great story, even if it is fictional. It is true, and was good for a laugh, and for that I thank you. :)

Gabe
01/13/2006

The question I have is why the hell would you go to Arby’s and not order the curly fries??? And a Pepsi instead of a Jamocha shake? What is wrong with you man?

The Captive Lion
01/13/2006

It takes a strong willed man to turn down an “upsize.” The standing ovation from the crowd must have really helped you stick to your guns. You are a rock, my friend.

Let me add a few bullets from my dream Arby’s:

The Oven Mitt is retired. In it’s place a talking pile of roast beef with eyes named Wellington. It can’t sing or dance, but it sure does glisten in the light!

Instead of a playground like they have at so many other restaurants, Arby’s should have a real life branding station where you can heat up a hot poker and burn the Arby’s logo into the hide of a real cow. Or at least your bun.

I also would like all the employees behind the counter to be huddled up in one area, preferably a corner. I would ride in and have to proceed to “cut” one from the “herd.” The younger and more agile employees would probably never have to do any real work in my dream Arby’s, but the one old guy who looks a little malnourished would be really earning his pay.

Also, I wouldn’t just pick up my order as usual. That would be stupid. Instead, I would have to duel the old employee for the right to eat my food, Old West style. Not with guns of course, but with mozzarella sticks. First one to pelt the other guy in the face with a hot oily mozza stick wins the meal, hands down. Thems the rules.

And there would be one guy always running around wildly that you could lasso.

cheryl
01/13/2006

This would be a great stand-up comedy routine, I can picture Seinfeld doing this bit. Very funny, little horse’s ass, I mean Centaur.
And Captive Lion, your comment was funny, too (I can’t say funnier than Centaur’s though,because Centaur is my son0, but that would be the best commercial, or Sat. Night Live skit. You two have missed your calling, you should be in the entertainment field, because you both can make people laugh so easily!

solo
01/14/2006

i object cheryl, NOT funny is what i’m thinking. i smirk, sometimes smile even, but never actually laugh out loud while reading these. however on this last post, i almost read the whole thing all the way through to the end only to find that i still had to go back and skim over it again. after that, i took a hit of some laughing gas, grabbed a feather, took off my sock, tickled it and read it one more time. still wasn’t able to get myself to even nod my head up and down signifying a liked it at all. but that’s just my opinion. just kidding, mad funny post centaur. interesting concept.

Gabe
01/14/2006

Wait, couldn’t you just order a “Giant” instead of a “Regular”? You WOULD be upsizing your sandwich. Arby’s actually does have a few sizes of sandwiches…

The Centaur
01/15/2006

Sigh…

Gabe, you’ve got a fair point, but you’re missing the larger picture:

Please note that in my dialogue with the cashier, I ordered a number three combo meal… Which, we all know, is the combo featuring the “giant” roast beef.

Can I upsize the Giant? No. But they will let me upsize all the other components of the meal.

And say, for argument’s sake, I ordered a number one combo meal, the “regular” roast beef instead. Should I choose to upsize that combo, it’s not like they substitute a “giant” sandwich, even though that would make perfect sense.

The point is, Arby’s could easily pull this off, without me having to deviate from the combo meal menu.

And for the record, at least you could theoretically pull off the perfect sized meal at Arby’s, if you were willing to invest the time and absorb the additional cost of ordering all meal components individually. At a burger place… it’s still an impossible dream.

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