February 25th, 2006
Breaking Water
by The CentaurMy wife is pregnant, and in a few months, her water will break. I’ve been made aware of this. As I tend to fear what I don’t understand, let me say that I am terrified right now.
Let’s start with the choice of terminology. Her “water” is going to “break”. First off, how do you “break” water? Is breaking water like breaking wind, only infinitely messier?
And why are we tiptoeing here? Her “water” is going to “break,” huh? Ok. Will her “spatula” do the “limbo”? Is her “curling iron” going to “operate a bulldozer”? Why are we combining nonsensical nouns and verbs together to totally mystify the birthing process?
Sadly, I think I know the answer. I’m afraid that the term “water” is a euphemism. Let’s be real here. I’m sure whatever comes out will be maybe 70% water, but what about the other 30%? My wife isn’t a camel. It’s not like she’s been storing a supply of water in her hump these last six months.
And how much “water” are we talking about here? A glass? A gallon? How involved will the cleanup process be? Will this simply involve a roll of Brawny or will I have to bust out the wet/dry vac from the garage? Should I look into renting a Hazmat suit?
It just seems like it could be a tremendous mess. And normally, tremendous messes are my wife’s department. But once the water breaks, that’s it. It’s time to go to the hospital. What about the huge mess on the floor? Who’s responsible for that? Since she’s the one who actually made the mess, it seems logical for it to be her responsibility to clean it up.
Unfortunately, she’ll be going into labor. How convenient. So what do I do? Rush her to the hospital, or start cleaning a massive stain before it sets? We’ve got some nice furnishings around our house that I would hate to see ruined by “water” damage. Our carpet still looks new. We’ve got some leather upholstery in the basement. I guess I should plan ahead and start covering all our furniture with tarps just in case.
Needless to say, I’m really hoping she saves me the hassle and just breaks water at the office.
02/26/2006
You state that your wife is not a camel. And yet she repeatedly spits in my face when I am around her. Odd behavior for a 100% non-camel woman, wouldn’t you say?
I do see some of your points about the euphamism, but it need not be as mysterious as you might think. In your almost Amish-like insistence on not using Google or the Internet in general to answer some of life’s minor quandries I present you with the details of amniotic fluid (the “water”) via wikipedia:
Amniotic fluid is the watery liquid surrounding and cushioning a growing fetus within the amnion. It allows the fetus to move freely without the walls of the uterus being too tight against its body. Buoyancy is also provided.
The amnion grows and begins to fill, mainly with water, around two weeks after fertilisation. After a further 10 weeks the liquid contains proteins, carbohydrates, lipids and phospholipids, urea and electrolytes. By the second trimester the fetus can breathe in the water, allowing normal growth and the development of lungs and the gastrointestinal tract.
The forewaters are released when the amnion ruptures, commonly known as when a woman’s “waters break” or “spontaneous rupture of membranes” (SRM). The majority of the hindwaters remain inside the womb until the baby is born.
Which brings up another post, what the hell are hindwaters? Ok, back to wikipedia…