March 13th, 2006

Cutting the Cord

by The Centaur

Allow me share the contents of my deluxe Ronco Knife set:

Butcher knife
Carving knife
Boning knife
Bread knife
Cheese knife
Paring knife
Fillet knife

Are you seeing the same glaring omission that I am? That’s right, there’s no Umbilical Cord Knife.

My wife is going to deliver a baby in a few months, and it is my responsibility to cut the umbilical cord. I’m okay with this. As the man of the house, it’s my job to kill the spiders, take out the garbage and sever feeding tubes as needed.

However, what will I use to actually make the cut? I assume they provide a cutting device of some kind at the hospital, but I’m not positive. I’d hate to show up unprepared, and have to dig through my pockets and use my car keys or something.

To prevent potential embarrassment, I’m going to bring my own blade to the delivery. What type of blade, you ask? First off, I’m extremely reluctant to raid the kitchen knife set. Sure, a butcher knife would work, but it seems like it might be overkill. And I don’t want my child’s first sight of his father to include me wielding a butcher knife. For this same reason, I won’t bring a chainsaw in either. I really want to make a good first impression here.

Here’s another concern… Will I have a cutting board to work with? Or am I going to have to swipe and cut the cord in midair? If that’s the case, I think I would rather have something longer, like a sword. A sword would certainly look cool too. Plus, it would bring a little showmanship to this event.

Of course, for a midair cut, hedge clippers could also be effective. Hedge clippers are certainly practical, and would probably have a smaller margin for error compared to the sword. Although, it obviously wouldn’t look as cool as wielding a sword. It seems like there might be enough theatrics in the delivery room at that time, so maybe I don’t need to steal the spotlight.

On the other hand, I want my son to think I handled this moment with a certain degree of awesomeness. For instance, my dad used throwing stars to sever the umbilical cord when I was born. Everyone, including the doctor, thought that was pretty spectacular. Using hedge clippers seems more like I’m cutting the ribbon to dedicate a shopping center, rather than symbolically severing the bond between mother and child.

Perhaps I should consider the consistency of the umbilical cord as well. Is it soft and flexible? Or is there firmness to it? Maybe if it is firm enough, I could get someone to hold it steady and I could karate-chop through it. Talk about showmanship! That would definitely bring down the house.

Finally, I have one other alternative I’m actively considering. What if I were to craft my own handmade umbilical cord knife? In my garage, I could make a beautiful ceremonial knife, with a gilded blade and ornate handle, possibly with a carved dragon on it. And I would unsheathe this blade solely for the purpose of severing the umbilical cords of my many children. Ultimately it would become a family heirloom, serving as the blade that welcomes several generations of my descendants into the world. Needless to say, I’m leaning heavily towards this option.

12 Responses to “Cutting the Cord”

tami
03/13/2006

Grandma Irene may not be laughing unless you offer to have Quincy bite the cord.

Jeannette
03/13/2006

Quincy would add some showmanship to the event, however he also poses a health risk I’m not willing to take. My vote goes to Matt with the sword, which we already happen to have mounted to our wall thanks to his Grandpa.

solo
03/13/2006

may i suggest this?

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Andrew Hamann
03/13/2006

YES! An energy sword! Brilliant!

ken
03/13/2006

Truth be told, I did come unprepared to your birth. I had to use my front teeth. It was llke cutting a large rubberband. If I had to do it over again, an electrician’s wire snip would be my first choice. I remember it like it was yesterday, there was quite a bit of bile in that bite. Do you remember the first key chain I gave you when you got your driver’s license? You thought it was a shriveled up piece of leather. Don’t throw away that piece of tube.
By the way, I was also unprepared for your circumcism, but that’s a story for another day.

Krusty
03/13/2006

I have a far better solution to this problem. I say we teach you to breath fire. It will take a few weeks to prefect a solid stream. Once you have that dowsn your set for the big day. Picture it
DOCTOR: okay sir would you please do the honor. Here is your scapel.
CENTAUR: No thanks doctor I’m set. Nurse would you please get the lights. Stand back everyone and don’t try this at home.

A bright flash of fire and it’s finish, not only cut but sanitized and sauterized. You would even save the doc some work. Hell it might even cost less.

I believe that Dyk knows how to swallow fire you should get him onit.

The Captive Lion
03/14/2006

An ornately carved ceremonial umbilical cord knife is the only true way to sever the tie between mother and child among us Klingon. You must follow custom or else we are doomed to forget the Klingon ways. I have heard that a child whose cord is not cut with the special carved blade will not develop as many protruding forehead bones.

Klingon custom aside, my best advice is that no matter which option you decide on, always have a Plan B. Even if it’s as simple as grabbing a spork from the cafeteria at the hospital. Or filing down the funny edge of a quarter. You just don’t want to have Plan A fall through and then when game time hits, the nurses find you out back bent over like a chimpanzee banging rocks together trying to chip off a sharp edge. That’s so 2000… B.C.

Truth be told, I don’t see why you don’t just leave the thing attached. You’ll save ten bucks on a child leash. It could at least be helpful during these first formative years. And if you ever want to go wireless in the future, cut it then.

Romerican
03/14/2006

How about a pair of shears? Surgical, not garden variety.

http://www.robbinsinstruments.com/scissors/umbilical.html

New and Improved! Now available in iMac colors!

Deep Thought
03/14/2006

They will give you surgical shears with nice, rubber-coated grips. As the father of five kids I have some advice on cutting the cord.

a) Have a solid grip on the shears. I know a father who dropped them onto his wife.

b) The cord is both tough and slippery; make sure you are prepared to *cut* and

c) Remember how I mentioned slippery? Make sure you have the cord well within the cutting arc of the shears or that puppy will pop out and spray blood in a fine mist all over you. Trust me, I know what I’m talking about.

Its over in a second and they get you back out of the way. Enjoy and remember; get a picture of the placenta - it will make future girl/boyfriends FREAK OUT.

cheryl
03/15/2006

My suggestion involves you wearing a Darth Vader mask and black cape, and bringing a light saber along with you. This will work best if you choose to name your son Luke. After delivery, you turn on the light saber (insert proper sound effect here), and sever the umbilical cord while saying, “Luke, I am your father….” I think the docotor and all the nurses, would find it a refreshing change of pace. Of course, you can only do this if Jeannette is totally sedated.

Eric
09/17/2007

It’s of course a great idea.I’ve just finished my own knife out of stainless round stock that I forged myself.The blade is only about 3 inches long but it’s razor sharp and should do the job well I hope.I just wish there was something similar to an umbilical cord that I could cut to make sure of it.Besides that though it’s still a fairly plain blade.I figure it’s good enough to have the blade that I hammered out being the one to bring my daughter into the world.

Ryan
01/20/2008

I know my father used his lightsaber and I will continue to follow the family tradition, even though my father turned to the darkside, its still something we hold dear.

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