i’ve been secretly documenting your thread and i’ve come to the conclusion that you’re both fired. after tirelessly reading both your emails i’m reminded of how too much time is on both your hands. i seriously fell asleep reading both emails. woke up, then barely made it to the end. naw just kidding, good work.

solo

I sifted through your email and noticed that you “forgot” to attach the data I requested.

Typical.

Look, I realize that you are basically composting in your chair until retirement. I wish you luck in continuing this practice, as you are blazing a trail of inaction and indifference that I hope to one day emulate. Of course, in my case, it will be done in a corner office with a view of downtown.

The fact is, it requires very little effort to be considered a sweet employee around here. I have you, in part, to thank for that. The truth is, I can show up late, leave early, and proceed to dick around for 95% of my workday while I’m here.

However, by spending a mere 15 minutes a day doing my job I am considered a good worker. And by scripting an email blaming you for the collapse of this worthless project, I instantly become a good worker with leadership skills as well.

And finally, if I can also master the use of a few corporate buzzwords and no longer do gross things like clip my fingernails in my cubicle, I’ll be an executive someday. Sad as it may be, we both know that’s all it takes.

Looking forward to someday being made your boss and immediately firing you,

The Centaur

Wow. So you are the guy. The guy who ruins it all for the rest of us.

Don’t get me wrong, I can understand why. You still have a future ahead of yourself, so you think. You don’t want to tarnish your reputation. You want to make damn sure you’ve got your umbrella open when the shit hits the fan. Honestly, you remind me of myself 15 years ago.

I used to think it was all a game too. If I just played by the rules (and exploited all the loopholes), I knew I’d survive. Maybe even come out ahead. So what if I had to cut a few people down to make my life easier. They were worthless anyway. Oh my god, were they worthless! How incompetent do you have to be to fired anyways!?!

And for the record, I agree that I’ve been tremendously incompetent on this matter. That is not in question. I am and will continue to be grossly incompetent. But you said yourself this expense analysis is not worth doing And yet you call me a logjam.

Centaur, I am not a logjam. I am a free flowing river of reason. And reason dictates that bad ideas should die and rot into the ground so that good ideas can feed on their nutrients. I know you agree with me. But yet you threaten me with the dull blade of a CC’d email? Why?

I’ll tell you why. You still think some of this stuff matters. You believe in it. And the part of you that holds your head high, the shred of dignity that allows you to wake up each day and come to battle at this hell hole won’t let you give up or fail.

I don’t have that anymore. I don’t believe in any of this. I don’t believe that useless work is worth my time. I don’t believe that my boss is smarter or better than me. I don’t believe in teamwork when the team doesn’t share the rewards it generates.

I just come here and strain my way through the day, hating every second, in order to get my paycheck and the affordable insurance. You see, my mother is dying of cancer and I take care of her. Her medical bills are astronomical and it’s a really difficult time for the family, as I’m sure you can understand. I don’t tell you this because I want your sympathy. I am just telling it like it is. You seem to be a fan of straight talk.

The real truth of the matter here is that this is not about an expense report. This is principle. Fifteen years ago I never thought I’d be writing this email to you. I thought I’d be tucked away in a high-level office making real money. I had hope and dignity and sent a few CC’d emails myself. I wanted to get things done, and do them right. But I never got that penthouse office and I could give you a hundred reasons why.

So if you can predict the future and are 100% sure that you will never end up like me, send that email. But, if you aren’t God and don’t wind the hands of time, I would be a little more hesitant. Your life might not always be so scripted. You might hate me most because you are afraid of ending up just like me.

Larry

Never seen a calmer letter with this air of getting your point perfectly across!

Oh, and by the way, you’ve got a beautiful site!