January 15th, 2008The Captive Lion
Every year Steve Jobs, the CEO of Apple, gives a speech announcing new and upcoming products at MacWorld (a mac-only convention in San Francisco). His speech is known as “The Keynote.” Mac enthusiasts (or fanboys, as they are also known) the world over squirm in chatrooms and forums hyping themselves up for the event. They post rumors, fake concept drawings, and a lot of jibber-jabber using sentence after sentence that ends in an exclamation mark. But most of all, they post mountains of predictions.
I absolutely love it. I am pretty much a fanboy.
Confession: I have a macrumors.com account. I have posted there once.
Well, today is the 2008 Keynote so I want to bring some of the excitement of the fanboys to the masses (all 10 of you left reading this site). Here are my 2008 MacWorld Keynote Predictions:
Apple could go a couple of different ways with the next generation of iPods. (By the way, are iPods’ lives calculated in dog-years or something. How can one year go by and we call it a “generation” in reference to an iPod?) I’m really hoping they release a wireless iPod. No charging wire, no syncing wire, no headphone wires. The music just beams into my head when I want it to. All I do is look at my iPod and pull up my Mental Dashboard iTunes Widget and think-select a song. If I’m walking down the street and I see someone else with a wireless iPod, I can just ask them to let me think-type in my Apple iTunes ID into their list of acceptable iTunes AirWavers and I can hear what they are listening to as well! Or I can just cut off one of their ears. That works too because with the new iPod Air, you can only beam a song to your digitally-fingerprinted ear canals.
This will be the year that Apple realizes that most people don’t make movies, write songs, take pictures, or any of that crap that iLife software such as iMovie, Garage Band, and iPhoto let you do so easily. They will finally put out software for my boring iLife. iLoser lets you keep track of how fat and out of shape you are getting while always reminding you how pathetic you are (using the patented one-click iLackSelfConfidence voice abuser system). And bundled with iLoser? A mac version of Minesweeper!
These will become obsolete with the next version of the iPhone. Apple is offering a $10 credit when you return a laptop and buy a new iPhone.
As always, Steve Jobs will save the best for last and announce the latest updates to the iPhone at the end. I’m guessing the new iPhone comes in 5 different colors! And you can jog with it now! It will be the first jogging phone! You set up your route with Google Maps, create a playlist, and boom, the two of you are out jogging together! You can set it to Rocky mode and have it run a few steps ahead of you, always pushing you to keep pace, or you can tell it you are in a lazy mood and want to chill. Either way is cool with your iPhone. It only jogs when you tell it to jog. You can also set it to block incoming calls during your jog or go instantly to speakerphone, if you want to be one of those jackasses that jogs and talks on your jogging-in-front-of-you iPhone.
No matter what happens at this year’s MacWorld, I know one thing is for sure. Me and bunch of other fanboys won’t be quite so lonely and unhappy tonight because we’ll have some expensive shiny new trinkets to distract us! Hooray! Now I’m off to macrumors.com to follow the Keynote speech live via text updates from inside the convention!