River Position

Have you ever been in a situation where you somehow managed to pack everything you might need for a week long trip, including random things like Q-tips and fingernail clippers, only to get to the airport and realize that you forgot your airline tickets altogether? That’s essentially what happened with the minutes of our river float. In describing the events of that weekend, I thought I had covered everything, but there was one glaring omission…

Allow me to define the expression Julie referred to in the Comments section:

River Position: While floating down the river, it is the act of situating oneself to insure that the impact of colliding with an unseen underwater obstacle is absorbed by one’s genitals.

Now, for the record, no one intentionally floats the river in this manner. It is usually the by-product of being caught off guard, having too much to drink or simply a desperate cry for attention. Anyone that deliberately assumes River Position should be placed under clinical supervision, as genital desecration like that is found only among cult members awaiting a comet to take them to a distant planet.

Allow me to reconstruct how this ties into our river rafting trip:

Somehow, Krusty managed to spend about 98% of our river journey traveling in this fashion. This was a feat even a Fear Factor contestant wouldn’t attempt. This was largely due to his frequent acts of jumping off his tube to relieve himself as we floated downstream. While one would think this would be a private matter that would be attended to discretely, Krusty chose to advertise his moments of urinary deployment.

Of course, the rest of us, not knowing where to direct our attention, would all turn our heads and generally look away. Usually at this point, we’d notice several jagged rocks, massive tree branches, or a coil of razor wire lying at about groin-level in the water below us. Exhaling a sigh of relief, we’d think to ourselves, “It sure is fortunate that I am floating safely above those dangerous objects on this inner tube.”

A few seconds later, the sounds of frenzied flailing and splashing followed by piercing screams of pain would bring us back to reality. Instantly, we’d all whip around to check on Krusty, not out of concern for his well being, but simply to witness the spectacle of someone receiving a surprise blow to the groin. I would guess the next time Krusty floats the river he might forsake a lifejacket, but not an athletic supporter.

Now let’s face it, there is nothing funnier than watching someone get hit in the groin. Yet for some reason, the entertainment industry fails to recognize this. There are a lot of shows on TV that put forth needless effort and expense when they should really just scrap any pretense of a legitimate concept for their show and just give the audience what they really crave: More gratuitous blows to the groin…

Take a show like Punk’d for instance. Instead of filming elaborate practical jokes on celebrities, what if Ashton Kutcher just hid behind a tree, waited for Justin Timberlake to walk by, and then jumped out and kicked him in the groin! Who wouldn’t watch a show like that? Seriously, I don’t have the time or attention span to follow some drawn out prank trying to convince Justin that his car had been stolen or his family had been killed. Why not just cut to the chase, have Ashton run up like a placekicker, watch Justin double over, and cut to a final scene of him wheezing and coughing up blood on the sidewalk? I swear I would tune in every week.

Want another example? How about making floating a river in River Position an Olympic event? There are so many facets to this that would interest me. What if one country inexplicably dominated this event, like Kenyans in marathons? That could be worth talking about. And think about those mini-documentaries that showcase each athlete’s life story before they compete. Imagine seeing some footage and anecdotes about a four-year training regimen consisting solely of taking repeated blows to the groin.

And think about all the shows that were cancelled because they could never generate a proper audience. Suppose a show called “Two Guys, A Girl, A Pizza Place & Multiple Kicks to the Groin” debuted this fall. I guarantee it would be an instant sensation.