Thanksgiving Recap

Thanksgiving is a day that is spent sitting around, watching TV, drinking and gorging oneself to the point of exhaustion. In other words, it is the perfect holiday.

Of course, you can’t just roll out of bed and expect to conquer a day like Thanksgiving. It requires intense preparation. Don’t worry, it’s not about doing one-armed push-ups or sprinting on the beach, or any other feats of strength typically associated with a training montage. For Thanksgiving, there is an inverse training regimen. For instance, you must seize the day by sleeping in. Also, if you were unfortunate enough to have had to work on Thanksgiving Eve, as I was, it’s good to start the morning with a soak in the hot tub to alleviate the “I hate my job” stress residue before starting the day.

This was exactly how my Thanksgiving began. Next, I enjoyed a leisurely breakfast while perusing the ads in the paper. As I mentioned before, I had to work the previous day… so I decided to make the most of my time at the office. Not by actually working, of course, but by spending the day preparing my Christmas list.

Granted, my Christmas list has been a work in progress since July. With the Christmas shopping season kicking off in 24 hours, the Thanksgiving Day ads provided an opportunity to make any last-minute, final touches to my Christmas list before distribution. After all, this isn’t like a tax return… this is the kind of document that warrants careful scrutiny. For instance, what if I failed to specify that I want an additional wirelesscontroller for my Xbox 360? Think about the letdown if I were to unwrap my gifts to find a wired controller. I might have to hang myself with it.

Of course, it’s hard to work on something this important with the distraction of a parade going on in my living room. I’m going on the record here: I don’t see any entertainment value in watching a parade on TV. There isn’t a single aspect that holds my interest for even a second. A giant, inflatable Garfield balloon? A marching band dressed like nutcrackers? And it’s all hosted by Al Roker and Katie Couric? They say that Thanksgiving is a day to remember what we are truly thankful for. In this instance, I’m thankful to have a remote control and 65 other channels.

Unfortunately, I was being summoned to the kitchen. The turkey needed to be cleaned (de-entrailed) before going in the oven. After completing the task, I wanted to throw the entrails and neck into the front yard, figuring the coyotes or Gypsies I see in our neighborhood deserve to have a nice Thanksgiving meal as well. As expected, my wife refused my charitable idea. She simply doesn’t understand the meaning of the holidays.

She called me into the kitchen a few more times throughout the day, whenever the turkey needed to be basted or inspected. As the day wore on, I’d stumble into the kitchen a little drunker than the time before. And each time, my wife was increasingly worried that it would be this time that I’d drop the turkey on the floor or find some other way to ruin the meal. She knew she was tempting fate. I was handling the bird way too much. Strictly by the law of averages, eventually, I’d lose my wedding ring or a Band-Aid in the carcass. It got to the point that she wouldn’t even let me open the can of cranberry sauce, which is typically my lone contribution to the meal.

It was finally mealtime. It was my wife’s first ever attempt at cooking an entire Thanksgiving meal, and she did a fantastic job. Everything turned out great, even the broccoli casserole, which I had my doubts about.

The evening concluded with the flick of a switch. My Christmas lights were on. Of course, they’ve been up on my house for three weeks, but I wasn’t officially allowed to turn them on until after dinner and dessert. And that switch not only signaled the beginning of the Christmas season, but also, and perhaps more importantly, the issuance of a challenge to my neighbors to come up with a more garish way to demonstrate their holiday spirit. Game on.

An Imaginary Rock-Rap Concert on the L Train

It’s late. I’m in a damn good mood. Got me some new jeans that are a lot better fitting than my old ones. Hell yeah. It doesn’t even bother me that it takes ten full minutes to unravel my ipod headphones after I fish them out of my jacket pocket.

Alright, I’m lying. That always bothers me.

The fact that I never put my headphones away properly is beside the point. It’s one of the lessons of life that I have chosen to always break – just because I’m a moron. But tonight, in this fantastic universe called New York, the moron in me is feeling like he’s not such a moron after all.

Yup, I’m slightly drunk.

So I’m bobbing my head, listening to my ipod while I strut my way on to the L Train to Brooklyn. Like I said, it’s late. Too bad, I think, because now there aren’t many people to notice how cool I’ve gotten all of a sudden. In fact, there’s just two other dudes and they both are listening to their headphones too. Fuck them, I say to myself in my best pretend bad-ass internal voice.

My staged animosity quickly dissolves however. Dude on my left, an obvious hip hop cat with a big expensive jacket on, Yankees cap, relaxes back in his seat and starts getting into his music. I mean.. getting into it. He starts spitting silent lyrics like a cross between KRS-One and Helen Keller. It’s almost as if he thinks he is alone. Then I remember that in New York City only seeing two other human beings at the moment is basically the same as being alone.

The mood turns infectious. Dude sitting across from me, scrawny, 30ish, rock and roller drunk on his own kool-aid as well, feels the vibe. In a split second, he’s set up an imaginary set of drums in front of him and he’s using every bit of it. He’s on the cymbals, on the kick drum, the snare, and about five other things I don’t even know what they are. I’m more than halfway expecting him to fake spinning the drum sticks in his fingers. If you can’t tell, I’m ecstatic at this point, utterly entertained as this imaginary rock-rap concert unfolds before my eyes. It’s like I’m seeing Run-DMC and Aerosmith mime “Walk This Way” live. Unreal!

And just when I thought it couldn’t get any better, dude across the way effortlessly moves from a hard rocking session of knee drums to finger plucking what looks to be a heavy, low slung 8 string guitar… with, what’s that called… a whammy bar? I kid you not. I didn’t even know they made those.

A Love Triangle

It didn’t go well. My Xbox is in another room right now, sobbing. The old adage is true: Breaking up is hard to do.

I put it off as long as I could. When I first laid eyes on the 360, it was really love at first sight. But a lot of guys felt that way about her. The 360 was sleek and beautiful… and completely out of my league. There were so many other dudes vying for her attention in WalMart that day, I figured I didn’t have a chance.

But I rolled the dice, and brushed my way past the 14 year-olds ogling the more superficial features of the 360. I complimented the 360 on her processor, and her hard drive, and made it clear I was interested in her mind as well as her console. They say that video game systems can’t resist a man with confidence, and it was certainly true in this instance.

The 360 and I had so much in common, and we hit it off immediately. There was a palpable electricity running through us, although mine was more metaphorical in nature. Ultimately, we decided to be more than friends. However, before we could begin a hopefully long-term relationship, we both agreed I needed to break things off with the Xbox.

Like most men, I briefly fantasized with the notion of how great it would be to play with two video game systems at once. Of course, I doubt either system would be cool with that arrangement. Sometimes you hear about the exploits of hardcore gamers, and the mind wanders a little. Ultimately though, I think these things are best left to the imagination.

Anyway, last night, the Xbox and I had The Talk. While it was certainly painful, it was better than having the Xbox stumble across the 360 and I sneaking around behind her back to spend an intimate evening together. That would have been awkward for everyone.

It’s just too bad it had to end this way. I always thought that only a fried motherboard could possibly derail our relationship. My Xbox and I sure had some good times. Like when we beat Halo on the “legendary” setting. To this day, this achievement continues to impress prospective employers in job interviews. Together, we battled terrorists, aliens, and super-villains. We literally saved the universe hundreds of times. I told the Xbox we could still be friends, and I meant it.

But it’s time to move on. While the 360 is certainly capable of playing the old Xbox games, I think it might be a little disrespectful for me do so. I don’t want the 360 to think I’m harboring any feelings for the Xbox. For that reason, I’m also going to take down all the pictures of the Xbox and I on display in my living room. I want the 360 to know I’m committed to this relationship.

If Weird Al Yankovic and This Website Had a Baby

If you could see the smile on my face right now, you would know why they call it a shit-eating grin. Note to my dentist: Don’t sweat it, I’ll floss extra tonight.

What has got me more excited than a chimpanzee in make-up, you ask? It’s only the newest innovation in weblogs… the theme song! Internet Zillionaire is now the first website to have it’s own official theme music. After all, it is the next logical step in the evolution of theme songs.

The Evolution of the Theme Song

So if you thought we were just a bunch of talentless hacks before, prepare to be proven right. I give you the Internet Zillionaire theme music:

Did I just hear someone say they wish they could have those 14 seconds back?

I am a Sniper

One shot, one baby. That’s my motto.

My wife is pregnant, and it happened on her first cycle after going off the pill. That’s right, I am a sniper… in a baby-making sense.

I am about to divulge some personal information that I’m sure my wife would prefer I keep classified. It involves a covert operation, where I went deep undercover. When the time came for action, I didn’t have to think. My training took over.

My target was identified. I carefully lined her up in my sights, and took her down easy with a single shot. Nice and clean. The mark of a professional…

And a child was conceived. Mission Accomplished. And there’s nothing premature about this declaration.

Some people may question the sniper method, by saying “the fun is in trying to conceive.” Sounds like loser-talk to me. I’m simply incapable of finding fun in repeated failure.

That’s the kind of man I am. I get the job done. And it’s done discreetly (with the exception of a few posts on the Internet.) Even my wife’s doctor was impressed. Believe me, I took full credit for all of this. This is one sniper rifle that is not shooting blanks.

Author’s note: All puns in the above post were intended. Thank you. That is all.