Oh my word, well this has been an amazing year… And for once, Iâ€™m not referring (entirely) to my video game exploits. Something far greater than passing Halo 2 on the â€œlegendaryâ€ setting happened this year. While single-handedly saving the universe is no small task, I must admit the highlight of my year came in Juneâ€¦ But weâ€™ll get to that in due timeâ€¦
The year started off on the ski slopes, where I aimed to conquer my fear of violently crashing down the side of a mountain. Unfortunately, this fear was only enhanced. To me, learning to ski was really more about learning to avoid trees. This is far more difficult than it sounds, mainly because trees are stationary. I’ve found that animals and children are at least capable of diving for cover as I speed recklessly towards them. Trees are not.
In January we all went online with our XBox Live subscriptions. This online service enabled nerds and geeks across the country to classify endless hours of video gaming as a source of social interaction. And most importantly, it allowed these nerds to develop pseudonyms and online alter egos that were generally the polar opposite of their true personalities. True to form, I act as a mild-mannered actuarial analyst by day, and by night I transform into the elite super commando known only as McSex.
Of course, February brought the world InternetZillionaire.com. This site has been in the works for years, as Dave and I began laying the groundwork when we were merely Internet Millionaires. The launching of this website was a landmark event, as I no longer had to use the walls in public restrooms as my medium for reaching the masses. Over the next few months, I brought the world my thoughts on everything from Les Schwab advertisements to Champion Duffle Bags. And to think, Andy Warhol once prematurely labeled television a “vast wasteland.”
The spring was pretty uneventful, as most of our time was spent waiting in line at Disneyland.
We kicked off June with an epic bachelor party that spanned a 72-hour period. The theme of the weekend can best be described as: Puketoberfest, as our trail of empty pizza boxes and defiled hotel rooms spread over several hundred miles across Washington state. Generally, it takes the National Guard to end a rampage like this.
Jeannette and I got married on June 26th, easily the greatest day this Zillionaire has ever seen. So far married life has been blissful. I am completely dependent on her for my survival. Literally. When she leaves town I somehow forget how to cook for myself. Hell, I even forget how to order a pizza for myself. The first couple of times she’d arrive home to find an emaciated and dehydrated husband passed out from trying to gnaw through a phonebook for sustenance. Thankfully, she bought me a 10-day feeder from PetCo. When she leaves, she just tops me off with some Cheez-its to last me until she gets back. All we need now is a giant hamster water bottle and possibly a litter box…
The highlight of July was our honeymoon. We loved Cancun. For a while, we were debating becoming the first illegal immigrants into Mexico. There was just something especially satisfying about climbing on ancient Mayan ruins one minute, and then eating at Pizza Hut the next.
September and October yielded some exciting improvements in this Zillionaireâ€™s mansion. We added a basketball court and a hot tub. The hot tub has really helped loosen the knots of rage in my back. If I didnâ€™t already own an XBox, I would have been hard-pressed to believe a material object could deliver so much happiness into my life.
And of course, I spent much of the fall working diligently on constructing the Zillionaire’s Lounge. I honestly didnâ€™t think I had it in me, but the construction work has gone amazingly well. Apparently, I must be one-quarter Amish or something. Aside from working with dangerous power tools, I also rolled the dice with electricity and natural gas (mankindâ€™s only natural enemy.) Thankfully, I only found myself engulfed in flames twice.
My primary objective this winter has been to produce an outdoor Christmas light display that would be visible from space. You see, out here in suburbia, there is an intense neighborhood rivalry to produce the most ostentatious waste of electricity. I did my best, but it’s clear that if I am to dominate the neighborhood next year, animatronic reindeer will have to play a prominent role.
Christmas was especially unreal this year. First off, I was able to outsource about 90 percent of my Christmas shopping and gift wrapping to my wife. This was huge. Also, the gifts improved dramatically this year. Last year my wife gave me a lot of GAP clothing for Christmas. And thusly, I spent most of 2004 dressed like Clay Aiken. I was fully expecting more of the same this year, and then a Christmas miracle happened. My wife bought me a 51-inch Sony projection TV. I couldnâ€™t believe it. Youâ€™ll all get to see it at some point, as I can guarantee right now, it will be prominently featured in future family portraits and next yearâ€™s Christmas cards.
And fittingly, 2004 will end with Zillionaires coming together one final time to toast the year and each other. The Zillionaireâ€™s Lounge is a landmark achievement. Up until a few weeks ago, I thought my legacy to mankind would be the Reese’s S’more. The Zillionaire’s Lounge will be a place for Zillionaires to congregate at when monocle shops are closed or when polo matches are rained out. I just hope thereâ€™s enough room on the helipad to accommodate everyone.
Well thatâ€™s itâ€¦ I am worn outâ€¦ What a yearâ€¦ I feel like more has happened in the last 12 months than the rest of my life combined. Seriously, stick a fork in me. I think Iâ€™m going to take the next few years off to recover. See you all in â€™07!
Happy New Year,