Performance-Enhancers in Fantasy Football

If I catch you using PEDs in fantasy football I will fine you.

I am a tremendous fantasy football commissioner. Teams loves playing for me in my fantasy league. I had the whole league begging me to be the commissioner. Why? Because I am a great commissioner. I am very successful at it. I always email funny graphics. I send out clever polls. People love my polls. I’m saying that fish-faced Roger Goodell should be fired. Roger Goodell, you’re fired. With him in charge, fantasy football is dying. Roger Goodell is ruining fantasy football. He’s absolutely ruining it. Only I can make fantasy great again.

The only way to make fantasy great again is to make people pay. Listen, money talks. I should know, I have a lot of it. And when money talks, people listen. So this is it. If you break the rules, I will fine you. It’s as simple as that. No one is above the game or the rules that govern it. My job is to protect the integrity of fantasy football and to make sure the game is as fun as possible. And if you aren’t having fun, I’ll fine you. It’s my job.

Finable Behaviors in Fantasy Football

So let’s make it absolutely clear what behaviors will warrant a fine. I want to be really clear on this.

  1. If you don’t pay your league dues by draft day, I will fine you.
  2. If you don’t start a complete lineup no matter the week, I will fine you.
  3. If you don’t send a trash-talking email each week, I will fine you.
  4. If you mention your “work league”, I will fine you.
  5. If you don’t answer my polls, I will fine you.
  6. If you get caught using PEDs, I will fine you.

Finable Performance-Enhancers in Fantasy Football

A lot of people say to me, “I know what a performance-enhancing substance is for professional football. But what is a performance-enhancer for fantasy football?” It can be a lot of things. Let me tell you.

  • Incessant mock-drafting – It’s Friday night and you are in your mancave mock-drafting a 12-team league with 2 QBs while your wife is crying in the bedroom because she thinks you don’t love her or the kids anymore. That is a finable offense.
  • Following Matthew Berry’s fantasy advice – If I catch you listening to his podcast, browsing his Love/Hate column, or reading his book, you’re dinged.
  • Home-made Excel spreadsheets – If you are creating CELL functions for identifying PPR sleeper picks, you will get fined.
  • Watching the “All-22” game film on NFL Game Pass – You clearly have too much money to spend. I will take some of it for myself in the form of a fine.
  • Childless unemployment – If I wasn’t the commissioner, I would have to fine myself on this one.

Granted, I don’t have the resources or staff to enforce any of these fines. I’m not going to know if you download Matthew Berry’s podcast and listen to him bloviate on your commute. But I trust that fantasy football is a gentlemen’s game and all those who break the rules will fine themselves accordingly. Just make sure you send all that fine money to me, the Tremendous Commish. After all, only I can make fantasy great again!


Also published on Medium.

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