Here’s a letter I sent to the President with a last-minute suggestion for tonight’s State of the Union address.
I know this address is meant to inspire the nation. I’m sure you’re going to talk about plans like putting a man on Mars in ten years or improving literacy over the next decade. Great. Fantastic. I’m almost inspired enough to not change the channel.
Here’s another idea: I’m 28 years old. In ten years, as part of a middle-aged man’s routine health care, there’s a good chance I’ll be going to the doctor for my first proctological exam. I beg of you, let’s put our national resources towards fixing this situation.
I figure I’ve got ten years, maybe fifteen tops. Truthfully, I’m not exactly circling the date on my calendar. But I know it’s coming. And this issue concerns me more than deficits or terrorists.
Keep in mind, I’m not asking you to actually cure prostate cancer. Just remove the use of proctology to detect it. You should have America’s best scientists inventing some kind of prostate cancer Breathalyzer test.
I understand how fortunate I am. With the invention of Viagra a few years back, my second biggest potential health crisis has already been averted. That one was hanging over me in about 40 years. I’m glad it was taken care of early though, there’s no sense putting it off.
So now, it’s just a proctological exam I’m worried about. Simply put, we need this issue to come to the forefront of American politics. Imagine if a candidate ran solely on the election platform of removing the threat of a proctological exam from a generation of young men. It would be a landslide election.
I need your help. The nation needs your help. We need some true leadership. I know the proctology lobby is powerful in Washington. If you walk to the podium tonight and pledge the nation’s resources to eradicating anal examinations, history will judge your presidency kindly. Think about it.
P.S. One final tip, when you begin the address, maybe apologize to viewers that the usual sitcoms normally on at this time are being pre-empted for your speech. I always hated that growing up.
Thank you for your consideration,