Cashier: “Welcome to Arby’s, may I take your order?”
Me: “Yeah… I’ll have the number three combo meal.”
Cashier: “What kind of fries?”
Cashier: “And what kind of soft drink?”
Cashier: “And would you like to upsize your order for only 49 cents more?”
Me (pausing for dramatic effect): “…Upsize? You want me to upsize? Let me get this straight: For 49 cents, Arby’s will moderately increase the size of my fries and drink, but leave the actual sandwich at its original size. And you call that an “upsize.”
Me (continuing): “Look, why would I want 10% more fries, 80% more cola, and no change whatsoever to the size of my original sandwich? Who finds this ridiculously disproportionate meal satisfying? Instead of calling it an “upsize”, you should ask if I want to “disproportionize” my meal… because really, that’s the end result.”
(Customers in adjacent lines began to turn their heads and exchange nods of agreement.)
Me (further emboldened by their reaction): And of all the items in my combo meal, the sandwich is the one thing I’d be most interested in having upsized to begin with. And yet it’s completely neglected in the upsizing process! Let’s be real here. The sandwich is the focal point of the meal. How can you offer to upsize my meal, and not include the most integral part?
(The cashier cocks his head to one side, as the logic of my rant is undeniable.)
Me: “And what’s the point of upsizing my soft drink at all? It comes with free refills anyway! All you’re really doing is increasing the size of my cup. If free refills are available, the only thing I’m interested in having upsized is the size of my bladder.”
Me (glancing at cashier’s nametag): “Brian, please know that this tirade is not directed at you. I’m just here to help. Don’t get me wrong; the upsize is a beautiful idea. But it has to be a true upsize. The sandwich, the fries, and the drink must all be increased in size proportionately. At burger places, I could understand the logistical difficulty in doing this. But this is Arby’s! All of your sandwiches are just meat and bun anyway. Are you telling me you can’t stock two or three sizes of buns for varying degrees of upsizing?”
Me: “Look, Brian, I know you’re not running this outfit. I need you to pass this up the chain of command: Arby’s can lead us to a better tomorrow… but it’ll take more than a talking oven mitt to get there. Arby’s has the opportunity to be the one fast food establishment with a legitimate upsize option. And let’s face it, that’s all any of us want in life… a true upsize of our combo meal.”
Me (clearing throat): “Ahem… So, to answer your question: No thanks. I am not interested in your so-called upsize.”
The restaurant was silent for a moment. Then, starting in the back, a customer began a slow clap that resonated throughout the establishment. One by one, the rest of the patrons joined in the applause. Even Brian and his fellow cashiers extended an ovation. I smiled in satisfaction and offered them a modest nod. As I turned around, the crowd parted in reverence so that I could make my way to the condiment station to load up on Arby’s and Horsey sauce unabated.
Author’s note: Most of this account took place in my imagination.