It was easily one of the greatest windfalls I’d ever experienced. Because of some duplicate wedding gifts, my wife and I found ourselves with an $80 store credit at Costco. We could parlay this bonanza into anything in the store. Visions of CD boxed sets and bulk quantities of cereal were dancing through my head. Seriously, we had an opportunity to be literally swimming in Champion Duffle Bags. I was giddy just thinking about it.
And so, with my wife at the store, I began to clean out the pantry and make room in the bomb shelter for the bounty of items she’d be returning with. You can imagine my outrage when she arrived home with only a double pack of Sonicares. You read that correctly. My wife exchanged our entire store credit for a pair of electric toothbrushes. Straight up. Our entire windfall was gone, and she didn’t even get some magic beans in the deal.
Obviously, I would have never opted for a pair of Sonicares, as unlike jars of mayonnaise, electric toothbrushes just don’t seem like the kind of item you need to buy in bulk. But I had other reasons for resisting the urge to upgrade the technology of my toothbrush into the next millennium…
For starters, I’ve always been apprehensive about letting machines take over the menial tasks associated with human hygiene. As I see it, allowing a machine to brush my teeth simply pushes us one day closer to the day when machines completely take over everything. Think of all the doomsday scenarios explored in the movies about machines taking over the earth and enslaving mankind. Look at the “Terminator” trilogy. Look at the “Matrix” trilogy. They’re even trilogies people! The outcome is so horrendous it takes three movies to properly illustrate the horrible consequences! Granted, someday I hope to have a butler or trained monkey responsible for brushing my teeth, but I would never rely on a machine. There’s just too much at stake.
Second, my dentist has been recommending for years that I buy a Sonicare. Yeah, this guy’s not biased in any way. The more he tried to advocate them, the more I was convinced he would somehow profit greatly from me buying one. I saw right through whatever Sonicare pyramid scheme he was hooked up with, and I wasn’t about to bite…
Me: “Sonicare, huh… you’d like that wouldn’t you? I’ve read about this scam…”
Dentist: “I just think you’ll find that it does a better job of cleaning your teeth…”
Me: “What else ya got? Do you want to sell me an extended warranty on the dental work you just finished?”
Dentist: “Ok, well… I guess I’ll see you again in six months.”
Me: “Sounds good.”
Of course ultimately, I surrendered. This occurred when my wife opened the packaging of the Sonicares, rendering them un-returnable. My repeated warnings about Judgment Day, and the nuclear apocalypse that SkyNet would unleash on mankind fell on deaf ears. Tuning out my protests, she focused her attention on charging our new toothbrushes, disregarding the imminent threat of humans being harvested by machines in an alternate reality. Typical.
To be fair, while ownership of a Sonicare may well hasten the end of the human race, it may also hasten the end of plaque in my mouth. And for that reason, I’m pleased to proudly endorse the Sonicare as an item no Zillionaire should be without.
I knew it when I first held one in my hand. The contour of the handle, the low buzzing sound it emitted during operation… I soon realized that this was the closest thing to handling a lightsaber that I’ll ever experience. I found myself imagining the plaque on my teeth as an army of Stormtroopers that only a Sonicare and my knowledge of the Force could defeat. Armed with a Sonicare, I now feel that the battle against the Death Star of Gingivitis in my mouth is ultimately winnable…
Star Wars fantasies aside, the Sonicare does a pretty amazing job at pressure washing my teeth. At each brushing, my teeth receive a dentist-quality cleaning without the awkwardness of having to lie about how often I floss or making small talk about the Mariners.
And finally, my apologies to Dave, who has owned a Sonicare for a few years now. You can only imagine the juvenile comments Dave had to endure whenever he’d stick this elongated, vibrating device into his mouth. And believe me, this never got old, mainly because DA was incapable of defending himself with the Sonicare in his mouth. He’d have to wait for the two-minute brushing cycle to end before he could offer a clever retort, and by then, everyone had fully enjoyed a laugh at his expense and moved onto something new. This went on for years… Good times.
One side note… I’m hoping to see Episode III this weekend, provided my Wookie costume is back from the cleaners. If not, I’ll be the guy dressed up like Obi-Wan, wielding my Sonicare as a lightsaber. I’ll try and post a few thoughts next week…
