Lost Halo 2 Audio Clips

A good friend who has a connection at Bungie.net just sent me these audio files. Apparently during the making of Halo 2 they had to scale back on how much audio they could include in the multiplayer game because of bandwidth constraits. Zillionaire got them and we’re gonna leak them on the Internet. No one has ever heard these before.

  1. When you’d get a kill, chop up the body and put it in your freezer, you were supposed to have heard:
  2. When you’re twenty years older than all your opponents and you’d get a kill, you’d hear this:
  3. When you would throw a sticky grenade on someone’s throat, this should have played:
  4. For when you crouch-walk around Midship with a sword getting cheap kills, you’d hear:
  5. The rare grand slam in Halo 2–getting four cold-cocks in a row, taking down an entire enemy team, you’d hear this during the melee:

It’s a shame these didn’t make it into the game. We encourage you to use them online now in either training mode or ranked combat.

Have you heard of any other leaked sayings for Halo 2? If so, leave them in the comments.

Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

This is going to be a tough post to write. I’d like to share some thoughts on Episode III, but I don’t want to give away any details of the movie for those that haven’t seen it yet. Of course on the other hand, if you haven’t seen it yet, I think you should really be taking stock of your priorities in life. It’s been out for a week people! If you’ve been too busy helping the homeless, spending time at church, or mentoring troubled youths, I urge you to sit down and reflect upon the direction your life is going. With that said, I’ll try not to spoil any major details, but here are some things to look forward to in Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith…

  • I saw the movie last Sunday, and as you might have guessed, I was the first person in the theater. This was all thanks to my wife. Bless her soul. While I waited outside for our friends, my wife snagged a spot at the front of the line inside the theater. Unfortunately, she was put in the position of being an attractive, unaccompanied female at the head of the line for a Star Wars movie. This is the kind of dream girl scenario that only occurs in the wildest fantasies of dateless Star Wars nerds. I shudder to think what might have happened had she been wearing a Princess Leia outfit. I’m sure the legions of nerds lined up behind her were ready to make her their new queen. Naturally, I took great pleasure in cutting in front of all of them right before the movie began, feeling their piercing glares of jealousy as I sauntered up and put an arm around my wife. Truthfully, I’m not sure what the nerds were more envious of: my wife or my spot at the head of the line. Regardless, I brought my Sonicare along, just in case they decided to start any trouble.
  • I hate to give this part away, but this is really a telling sign that this movie is better than the last two: Jar Jar is on the screen for a mere four seconds and has no speaking part. Not a word. Also, he doesn’t stick out his tongue. And he doesn’t trip over anything. And he doesn’t flap his ears in excitement or exhibit any of his other nine million annoying characteristics in this film. He merely walks across the background of a scene. I was still prepared to toss my popcorn at the screen over even this much of a Jar Jar sighting, but I decided to refrain… I reasoned that if Darth Vader were to slice off Jar Jar’s head later in the picture it would redeem this lone appearance… Regrettably, this didn’t happen, which is probably the greatest flaw of the film.
  • A whole planet of Wookies!!! Let me say right now, it’s been long overdue. I don’t want to jinx anything, but if they could somehow spin this off into it’s own series of movies… Think about the success of the “Planet of the Apes” franchise. Can you imagine a “Planet of the Wookies” trilogy? Granted, Wookies only communicate in growls and howls, but c’mon, whom amongst us wouldn’t be willing to put up with subtitles for a movie like this? Of course, as with other films with subtitles, I’d hate for a Planet of the Wookies movie to become too “artsy.”
  • I’m sure you’ve seen the warnings about how this movie incorporates more violence than the other movies in the series. As expected, this is a good thing. The title of “Revenge of the Sith,” is aptly named. The bad guys definitely score one for their side in this movie… There is even some early footage of the construction of the Death Star, as the Empire is in the process of picking through color swatches and interviewing interior designers.
  • The ending is very satisfying. This movie takes all the loose ends from the various films and wraps them up nicely. I can say with great certainty that there will not be an episode three and a half, as all of the unanswered questions are sufficiently addressed. Granted, it would have been pretty ridiculous if the storyline couldn’t be wrapped up after six movies, but I honestly didn’t put this past George Lucas.
  • As expected, there is some overacting. This is a Star Wars hallmark. For instance, Annakin essentially has two emotions: extreme rage and over-the-top extreme rage.
  • I’ll warn you right now, there is a ridiculous amount of previews for upcoming films prior to the movie starting. Usually I enjoy watching the previews, and don’t mind putting up with the “I work for Mr. Fandandgo” routine before the movie begins. This time it was different, as there was so much anticipation built up within the audience that nobody had the patience for the next debacle Jerry Bruckheimer would be blockbusting our summer with.
  • Yoda is continuing his insurance scam. Let’s face it; we all learned in Episode II that he really doesn’t need a cane. I’m not sure what kind disability claim he’s trying to pursue, but shortly after he executed his ninth back flip in Episode III, I concluded that he should probably forgo the act of hobbling around and practically wearing a neck brace everywhere he goes. At this point, no jury is going to fall for this routine.
  • The Final Verdict: I give this movie a rating of: Three “Unreals” out of a possible Four “Unreals.” Wow, I just managed to use the word “unreal” as a noun. And I even somehow made it plural. This is probably a sign I should end this post… Anyway, definitely check out Episode III!!

The Sonicare

It was easily one of the greatest windfalls I’d ever experienced. Because of some duplicate wedding gifts, my wife and I found ourselves with an $80 store credit at Costco. We could parlay this bonanza into anything in the store. Visions of CD boxed sets and bulk quantities of cereal were dancing through my head. Seriously, we had an opportunity to be literally swimming in Champion Duffle Bags. I was giddy just thinking about it.

And so, with my wife at the store, I began to clean out the pantry and make room in the bomb shelter for the bounty of items she’d be returning with. You can imagine my outrage when she arrived home with only a double pack of Sonicares. You read that correctly. My wife exchanged our entire store credit for a pair of electric toothbrushes. Straight up. Our entire windfall was gone, and she didn’t even get some magic beans in the deal.

Obviously, I would have never opted for a pair of Sonicares, as unlike jars of mayonnaise, electric toothbrushes just don’t seem like the kind of item you need to buy in bulk. But I had other reasons for resisting the urge to upgrade the technology of my toothbrush into the next millennium…

For starters, I’ve always been apprehensive about letting machines take over the menial tasks associated with human hygiene. As I see it, allowing a machine to brush my teeth simply pushes us one day closer to the day when machines completely take over everything. Think of all the doomsday scenarios explored in the movies about machines taking over the earth and enslaving mankind. Look at the “Terminator” trilogy. Look at the “Matrix” trilogy. They’re even trilogies people! The outcome is so horrendous it takes three movies to properly illustrate the horrible consequences! Granted, someday I hope to have a butler or trained monkey responsible for brushing my teeth, but I would never rely on a machine. There’s just too much at stake.

Second, my dentist has been recommending for years that I buy a Sonicare. Yeah, this guy’s not biased in any way. The more he tried to advocate them, the more I was convinced he would somehow profit greatly from me buying one. I saw right through whatever Sonicare pyramid scheme he was hooked up with, and I wasn’t about to bite…

Me: “Sonicare, huh… you’d like that wouldn’t you? I’ve read about this scam…”
Dentist: “I just think you’ll find that it does a better job of cleaning your teeth…”
Me: “What else ya got? Do you want to sell me an extended warranty on the dental work you just finished?”
Dentist: “Ok, well… I guess I’ll see you again in six months.”
Me: “Sounds good.”

Of course ultimately, I surrendered. This occurred when my wife opened the packaging of the Sonicares, rendering them un-returnable. My repeated warnings about Judgment Day, and the nuclear apocalypse that SkyNet would unleash on mankind fell on deaf ears. Tuning out my protests, she focused her attention on charging our new toothbrushes, disregarding the imminent threat of humans being harvested by machines in an alternate reality. Typical.

To be fair, while ownership of a Sonicare may well hasten the end of the human race, it may also hasten the end of plaque in my mouth. And for that reason, I’m pleased to proudly endorse the Sonicare as an item no Zillionaire should be without.

I knew it when I first held one in my hand. The contour of the handle, the low buzzing sound it emitted during operation… I soon realized that this was the closest thing to handling a lightsaber that I’ll ever experience. I found myself imagining the plaque on my teeth as an army of Stormtroopers that only a Sonicare and my knowledge of the Force could defeat. Armed with a Sonicare, I now feel that the battle against the Death Star of Gingivitis in my mouth is ultimately winnable…

Star Wars fantasies aside, the Sonicare does a pretty amazing job at pressure washing my teeth. At each brushing, my teeth receive a dentist-quality cleaning without the awkwardness of having to lie about how often I floss or making small talk about the Mariners.

And finally, my apologies to Dave, who has owned a Sonicare for a few years now. You can only imagine the juvenile comments Dave had to endure whenever he’d stick this elongated, vibrating device into his mouth. And believe me, this never got old, mainly because DA was incapable of defending himself with the Sonicare in his mouth. He’d have to wait for the two-minute brushing cycle to end before he could offer a clever retort, and by then, everyone had fully enjoyed a laugh at his expense and moved onto something new. This went on for years… Good times.

One side note… I’m hoping to see Episode III this weekend, provided my Wookie costume is back from the cleaners. If not, I’ll be the guy dressed up like Obi-Wan, wielding my Sonicare as a lightsaber. I’ll try and post a few thoughts next week…

One-liners from Suburbia

I heard that McDonald’s is genetically-engineering chickens to lay little packets of bar-b-q sauce.

I love that K-mart has a tiny Little Caesar’s pizza place inside it, but I’d really love to see a huge Little Caesar’s with a little K-mart inside.

Keep them coming. I’m trying to write a Mitch Hedberg-esque act with this type of humor.

At Face Value

Once again, Solo’s back in the hizzy (house)! Don’t worry I’m not going down that road again. Instead of explaining myself, I thought I’d set this up with a somewhat daily encounter with me.

Will: Hey man, you know my wife’s Korean right?
Solo: Yeah, I could tell. Could you tell I was half-Korean when you met me?
Will: It was crazy when I found out, cause I have half-Korean nephews, but when I first met you I was like, dude he’s totally Mexican.

Being from a small town, I was mainly around White people. The only Asians I knew when I was a child was my mom and her sister. But it never occurred to me that I was halfway between Asian and White. I thought I was white until the 2nd grade. My best friends in Elementary school had very white skin, while mine seemed like it never lost it’s summer tan. Still it never occurred to me that I looked any different than anyone else.

After high school I moved onto college in Seattle, Washington. It’s more diverse than Ellensburg, but I still felt White. My first experience of feeling different than a white kid was the first day of ensemble class with my mixed Black and Spanish professor, Hadley.

Hadley: Hey man, how you doing?
Solo: Pretty good.
Hadley: Man I’m glad to see you here at this music school, I’m feeling like a lot of young brothers these days are missing out on their roots.
Solo: What?
Hadley: You know what I’m talking about.

Tru dat Hadley! Not really though. See, I’d been totally white in my mind for 18 years at that point. Then this guy comes along and assumes I’m either Black or Spanish in one meeting. That’s when I realized the world sees you literally, at face value. It’s never angered me though. If anything, it’s probably helped me in life. I’m able to sway between different races without breaking a sweat. And doing this I’ve observed one noticeable likeness of all people. Everybody’s the same!

Old Spanish Lady: Que hora, es?
Solo: What?
Old Spanish Lady: Que hora es?!?
Solo: Oh, no halbo espaniol.
Old Spanish Lady: Okay, what time is it?
Solo: 2:30.
Old Spanish Lady: Gracias, now you say, de…nada.

Then she walked off with her nose in the air. She was disappointed with me cause apparently to her, I didn’t know my native language. I did study 2 years of Spanish in high school, and I actually knew what she was asking. I just don’t like to pretend I can speak their language cause everybody here thinks I’m Spanish. I can’t walk into a corner store without the clerk telling me the amount in pesos. It’s crazy.

I guess I don’t really know what this post is about. None of these things bother me, their just experiences in my life that make me laugh. The way I see it, none of these things really matter. Maybe I’m human form of a chameleon in people’s minds. Once they can register a look in their head of what I am, they can act accordingly. Whatever the case may be, it makes for funny stories.

Solo: Hey I noticed your last name is Kim, you’re Korean, right?
Korean neighbor: Yeah.
Solo: Cool, that’s my mom’s maiden name.
Korean neighbor: (Confused) What…..wait, you’re mom’s Korean.
Solo: Yeah, my dad’s White from America, she’s originally from Seoul. I’m mixed.
Korean neighbor: (Examines my face) Ooooooooh, naw man I don’t see that at all.

One love.