February 9th, 2005
In Defense of Costco
by The CentaurI can’t believe I have to write this. There are just certain things you don’t expect yourself having to defend. For instance, I doubt I’ll ever have to write a post entitled “In Defense of Mother Theresa” or “In Defense of the Xbox.”
Unfortunately, every so often someone with a dominant “Grinch” gene comes along to attack that which we all hold most dear. Let’s face it, aside from the part about the bulk quantity of “air freshener” he possesses, there was very little accuracy in Dave’s post about Costco .
Please consider the following:
- To be fair, I agree with him on the whole membership idea. Why should I have to pay for the right to be your customer? Costco sticks us with a cover charge without providing any live music or karaoke. The only way I could look past this whole membership thing is if everyone had to wear a “Members Only” jacket to get into the store. At least this way it would feel like it was 1985 again.
- Three words: Champion Duffle Bag.
- Costco sells all kinds of magical products that up until now only existed in the make-believe world in my imagination. Things like a double pack of cereal containing both regular and Honey Nut Cheerios. I challenge you to find that item in any other store in the universe. It’s only available in the fantasy world of Costco. Honestly, it wouldn’t surprise me if Costco also sold unicorns and Leprechauns.
- The pizza slice for $1.99. Admittedly, it’s not Sbarro quality, but it’s still foldable with ample cheese and pepperoni and it usually has a reservoir of grease sitting on top of each slice. These are the things I look for when making a pizza purchase.
- Outside of school cafeterias, who else gainfully employs more old ladies in hairnets?
- I like how there’s no customer service. I seriously do. Don’t even try and ask someone for help, because there’s nobody around. You’re on your own. Figure it out. I’m sick of how all these other stores try to coddle their customers by greeting them, answering their questions and assisting them with their purchases. The Costco system keeps out all those high-maintenance and emotionally needy customers other stores cater to.
- Finally, here’s a partial listing of the many diverse items I’ve purchased at Costco in the last year: 32 inch Panasonic Television, my second wedding band, the faucets currently in use at the Zillionaire’s Lounge, our dual Sonicaires, ski goggles, and enough frozen buffalo wings to sustain an army of Zillionaires.
That’s just scratching the surface, you can also get your home loan through Costco, and book a vacation, and get photos developed, and get warehouse pricing on a mail-order bride (they sell them in two-packs). I’m telling you, they’ve got everything.
02/09/2005
Don’t even get me started on those cereal double-packs! You neglected to mention that you pay the same price as if you would have bought two separate boxes at a normal grocery store. There’s convenience for you!
If your Costco is like mine, they built it out in the boonies so whatever pennies you might be saving on the dollar with your purchases you surely lose after you figure in the gas to drive there. I can’t believe you don’t already have a spreadsheet that backs me up on this.