With a child on the way, my vehicular needs have changed somewhat. According to local law enforcement, I need a vehicle that can secure a child seat without the use of bungie cords, rope or cargo netting. Consequently, I’m in the market for a new ManMobile. Before I get to my car search, allow me to share the fates of the first two ManMobiles:
The ManMobile I: True to it’s namesake, this truck died like a man. It met its demise in a violent crash on I-90, allowing me to cheat death for the fifth time in my life. This truck really took one for the team, as The Captive Lion and I were able to walk away completely unscathed from some seriously twisted wreckage. To honor the memory of that truck, I haven’t wasted a day since. (Caveat to that statement: Entire days spent playing video games and watching TV don’t count.)
The ManMobile II: The vehicle I’m currently driving, it will be honorably discharged in the coming weeks for its trade-in value. It’s been a damn good truck, and I’ll be sad to see it go. I just wish I could end our relationship in a more fitting manner, perhaps with a fiery explosion of some kind. Thankfully, there’s still time.
And now, here’s a partial checklist of the features and criteria I’ll be using to evaluate prospective vehicles for the title of ManMobile III:
- First, would it survive multiple rollovers at 70mph… as it will likely be asked to do so.
- Is there the requisite clearance and elbowroom needed to fire a bow and arrow out of the driver’s side window?
- Does it look menacing in the rearview mirror of a slow-driving senior citizen? This one is very important to me.
- Can the speaker system provide quality audio output over a wide swath of my musical interests? (Monster ballads, AM talk radio, John Denver’s Greatest Hits, etc.)
- Am I likely to be mistaken for a total badass when behind the wheel?
- Are the tires big enough that I can drive over curbs and medians with impunity?
- At any given time, I am either flooring the gas or the brake with maximum force. Will this truck be compatible with my everyday driving style?
- In a one-on-one, head-on collision with a random other vehicle, am I most likely to be the sole survivor? (This includes tanks, cement mixers, and school buses.)
- If I’m heading in their direction, will walkers and joggers feel compelled to get off the road out of concern for their safety?
- Can this truck handle the payload of the eight tons of baby accessories I’ll be routinely transporting everywhere I go?
- Should I leave the house wearing my Darth Vader voice-changing helmet, is there ample headroom available to accommodate this attire?
Since this is such a major purchase, I’d hate to forget to check something important. Zillionaires, is there anything I left out?