Franchises at the Hospital Food Court

hospital food court

As the Baby Boom Generation ages, they are transitioning from walking the malls of America to using walkers in the hallways of hospitals. With their bulging retirement wallets, the boomers have a knack for attracting all the same strip mall monoculture wherever they go. I predict the hospital food court will be no exception, albeit with a medical twist.

List of Hospital Food Court Franchises

  • Kidney Stone Creamery
  • Cinnebonespurs
  • Five Gauze
  • Leper King
  • Black Lungus
  • Cold Sore Creamery
  • In-N-Gout Burger
  • Plasma Express
  • Auntie Allergies
  • TB Friday’s

The Podcast Zillionaires

The Podcast Zillionaires

My wife wants to punch me in the nuts when I listen to sports talk radio on the drive to work in the morning. I understand her strong reaction. Who can listen to a room full of blowhards recounting every iota of information about the local sports team ad nauseam? Who wants to hear a group of guys shouting their unprovable opinions over each other at 7 a.m.? Well… I HOPE YOU DO! Because the Internet Zillionaires are excited to launch a new podcast where we do just that!

We call ourselves the Podcast Zillionaires and we put those sports talk radio guys to shame. The show is hosted and edited by Solo who is well known in these parts. Of course, I bring the sophisticated analysis and connect the dots to tease out the deeper insights into the Seattle sporting landscape. But the true star of the show is someone you might not be as familiar with around here. He goes by Krusty (named after the beefeater, I kid you not) and he is a podcast powerhouse. So grab some headphones, a beverage, and enjoy this inaugural episode of the Podcast Zillionaires.

Download mp3

The Domain Name Squat Game

Domain Name Squat Game

While updating my online portfolio recently, I realized I’ve been making websites since 1996. Or to paraphrase Tupac in the hit rap song California Love released that same year:

In the web game for 20 years ain’t no cover up, ever since homies was clicking Netscape on dial-up.

Over those twenty years, I’ve purchased a lot of domain names. From what I can tell, all web developers do this. Most are for a side project or idea I intend to launch someday. Three or four are just great domain names that I hope to flip for a profit. A few are impulse buys that I snatched up the same way I buy gossip magazines at the grocery store. (That reminds me… I just read in the National Inquirer that Tom Cruise is a horrible person. Did you know he eats a bald eagle eyelid smoothie every morning? The article doesn’t say how many eagle eyelids it takes to make one smoothie but I bet it is a lot. And bald eagles are an endangered species! Apparently, he doesn’t even use the rest of the eagle carcass. He just throws them in the garbage like it’s nothing! The nerve!)

Each year, I have to pay to renew the domain name whether it is in use or not. Considering each one costs $10 to $15 dollars, squatting on all these domain names is putting a real dent in my wallet (yes, my wallet is made of cheap aluminum alloy and dents easily). All this is to say I really need to scale back. But which domains do I let go of and which do I keep? It’s a real problem and not contrived in the slightest in order to give me the basis of this post!

The Squatter’s Dilemna

To find my way out of this “squatter’s dilemma” (as economics professors in colleges across the US will undoubtedly call it henceforth), I devised a rating system that helped me judge the value of a domain. There are several criteria in play: how long have i owned it, desirability, specificity, etc. Applying this criteria, all my domains now fall into a few categories I’ve named appropriately:

The Long Squat
Borrowing from investing parlance (not potty talk), the Long Squat is a domain worth holding on to for years. Its value is expected to increase annually (not anally).
Rating: Keep

The 15 Minute Squat
The 15 Minute Squat is a domain that must be flipped or exploited immediately or it will just clog up your hosting account. You can only sit on it for a short time before it loses most of its significance. It’s usually a pop culture reference or some flash-in-the-pan Internet sensation enjoying their 15 minutes of fame, hence the name.
Rating: Let Go

The Naughty Squatty
This is a domain name of questionable or ill repute. While they might not all be associated with pornography, these domains are certainly disgusting. But isn’t there an audience for everything on the Internet? I intend to find out.
Rating: Keep

The Squat Mess
The Squat Mess is a hot mess of a domain name. You look at it and just want to scream at yourself for purchasing it! Maybe, like a moron, you misspelled a word when typing in the domain name to purchase or, hoping to capitalize on other morons who mistype words, you bought a purposely misspelled domain name. Either way, the Squat Mess has got you on your hands and knees scrubbing the bathroom floor.
Rating: Let Go

Lastly, there is the king of squats, the Hipposquatamus. The squat so big it dwarfs all your other squats. It is a domain name so good and so valuable that when you sell it, it will cover the cost of all your other domains combined. Some people go their whole lifetime without a Hipposquatamus. I’ve already had one. Now I’m on safari for another.
Rating: Keep

Looking back over this list, I’m not sure if I categorized domain names or bowel movements. Either way, it’s a pretty crappy post.

Help! Something is Wrong with My Dog

Dog hates selfies

As a new dog owner, I’m a bit of a hypochondriac. If he doesn’t eat all his food at dinner, I worry he needs more flavor variety. When he drinks out of his water bowl too soon after a walk, I am nervous he will get “bloat” (My wife has convinced me this is an actual medical issue we need to look out for). If his poop comes out more like soft-serve ice cream instead of the traditional Lincoln Log consistency, I feel sorry for the guy. Yes, I have the vet on speed-dial. But lately I’ve come upon an issue that no vet has been able to help us with.

Something is seriously wrong with my dog. He doesn’t like selfies.

I’m not sure if he is just rebelling against this narcissistic, self-absorbed selfie craze out of principle or if he has some inexplicable body image issue (despite how handsome he is to me). Whatever it is, he refuses to talk to me and tell me about it. He just shows me his disgust by constantly turning his head sideways, looking up or down, or leaving whenever I try to pose us for selfies together. It’s almost like he doesn’t care about showing how much fun we have together on my Facebook page.

Maybe he is ashamed he can’t do duck lips.

There is a slight chance he is in the witness protection program and must avoid having his picture taken at all costs to protect us from old enemies and keep his identity a secret. In all honesty, his past is a mystery and his behavior indicates he could have been mixed up in some pretty dark and twisted stuff. Think The Departed but with undercover cop dogs and leg humping. But I’m not convinced that is the reason.

He’s probably just sick of posing nude for me.

Missing Amazon Alexa Commands

Alexa, will I regret this tattoo?

Alexa, Amazon’s voice-controlled assistant, is capable of many wondrous things. She can give you the weather forecast, add items to a shopping list, and even tell you who won the latest game of sportsball. It is supposed to be very futuristic (if the future is completely boring in the same way as today’s world). But there are a few missing commands that I wish she understood. You know, things that I can’t just as quickly and easily look up on my own.

Missing Amazon Alexa Commands

  • Alexa, where are my keys? And also, where is my wallet?
  • Alexa, do I put out the yard waste or the recycling with the garbage this week?
  • Alexa, did I remember to put the seat down?
  • Alexa, do I have any weird ear hairs or protuding nose hairs that need to be dealt with before I leave the house?
  • Alexa, what is this stain on my shirt and how long has it been there? Why didn’t you tell me before my date with Alyssa?
  • Alexa, I’m not going to leave the house today, am I?
  • Alexa, is it just me or is Zach Galifianakis just not funny anymore?
  • Alexa, dear God, am I turning 37 or 38 this year?
  • Alexa, should I call my new croissant/brownie mashup a broissant or a crownie?
  • Alexa, why am I still in my sweatpants at 3 in the afternoon?
  • Alexa, if my Mom calls tell her I’m at the opera and not in the Papa John’s parking lot.
  • Alexa, why did breakdancing go out of style just as I was getting good at it?
  • Alexa, how long before I go bald?
  • Alexa, what will people say when I die? Followup, who will be the saddest?
  • Alexa, add Pizza Hut breadsticks to the list of items to be served at my funeral.
  • Alexa, who in their right mind would love me?