Brick and Mortar is Back!


The world wide web is dead. The future of the Internet is all brick and mortar.

By now, you’ve likely heard that Amazon opened its first brick and mortar bookstore in Seattle. And yesterday, news broke that they are planning a massive expansion of the concept, perhaps rolling out hundreds more retail bookstores.

My inner pundit tells me this single occurrence is the beginning of a sweeping trend. So I am predicting that 2016 is the year all the big Internet companies open up physical storefronts across the country. Everyone will be getting into the brick and mortar game.

Facebook Store
There is nothing for sale at the Facebook store but you will see everyone from your high school. Even if you’ve lived in the same city for years and never ran into these people, somehow at the Facebook store they will be there and bombard you with pictures of their babies.

Craigslist Thrift Store
In an effort to speed up expansion into brick and mortar, Craigslist will just buy the Goodwill corporation and fire all the employees while simultaneously unbranding all the storefronts. It will literally just be like walking into your neighbor’s garage with junk piled high and no rules for engaging in commerce. It will be a big hit with the hoarders.

Netflix Theaters
Similarly, Netflix will buy a major movie theater chain and quit showing any new releases, selling concessions, or displaying the show times of the content they are playing. You just walk in and sit down and jump into whatever is streaming at the moment. No one ever has to leave before the next movie starts. No one ever wakes you up if you fall asleep. And the lights never come up to remind you it is daytime.

LinkedIn Coffeeshop
This shop’s interior decoration is modeled after your typical office. There are cubicles, a couple printers (one is broken), a gross coffee maker in the corner, and, of course, not a shred of natural light. In fact, if feels just like going to work except all your disgruntled coworkers seem much more competent and attractive than they actually are.

Twitter Mini-markets
The Twitter mini-market is inexplicable. It has no point. It has no purpose. But there is always a long line of patrons waiting to get in because capacity is only 140 characters. Rimshot!

YouTube Hall of Concerts and Pranks
YouTube will take over all the music halls and concert venues around the globe and provide free entertainment to the masses. However, there is a hefty price to be paid if one wants to enjoy this perk. At any moment, you could be caught on camera being hit in the genitals, taunted because of your musculature, or have some preppy dipstick grope you or laugh at your ethnicity.

Now that you’re convinced of this trend, help me imagine more of this world devoid of online connections. What does a Google, Instagram, or Reddit brick and mortar operation look like?

This Blog is Only Mostly Dead

Mostly Dead is Slightly Alive

It is with great excitement and very little fanfare that I announce the return of Internet Zillionaire. I started this blog on a whim 12 years ago to the day. With the help of my hilarious friends and a stroke a luck, it actually turned into something special.

The design was highly praised in the web design community. The writing was also considered top notch. The blog was accepted into the prestigious (at the time) 9rules Network in November of 2005. Our content was featured on numerous sites including CollegeHumor and McSweeney’s Internet Tendency.

Then life happened.

Eventually, the writing slowed to a near halt. The design sat unchanged for years like a McDonald’s hamburger left out. I watched as the site visitor stats dwindled down and down until there was almost no one reading our content anymore. The blog was mostly dead.

But as Miracle Max taught us, being mostly dead is still slightly alive! This blog, this community of amateur comedians, this water cooler for both my closest friends and many complete strangers, just needed its own chocolate-covered miracle pill. So I’ve called in all the favors I have earned over the years. I’ve assembled the dream team back for another go. And as far as I can tell, the world is even more hungry for fresh, funny, and original content. That is our mission and we choose to accept it.

So join us again, or for the first time. In preparation for today’s relaunch, we’ve already added a bunch of new posts:

Who knows, if this goes well, we could all be Internet Gajillionaire’s someday!

Shopkeeper’s Remix to “How Much Is That Doggie in the Window”

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Shopkeeper: You want to know how much is the doggie in the window, huh? We’ll let me just look it up on my computer here…

Music begins…
How much is that doggie in the window?
The one with the waggly tail?
Well that dog is $150 dollars.
But you also need to pay to have it registered.

That will cost you another $45.
And then there is the fee to get it neutered.
You’ll have to pay a vet a bunch of money,
Or prove that it already is.

I almost forgot about the shots and vaccinations.
Dogs have to get a ton of them.
There is a rabies one, a lyme disease one,
And a bunch they just do to rob you blind.

And then there is the special microchip.
The one that is buried in its neck.
To update it will cost some moolah.
A $20 bill should cover it.

And have you thought about a collar?
And a leash, and a bed, and a crate.
I’ll sell you the whole setup for $200 dollars.
And throw in the food bowl and water bowl.

Down the road you’re gonna want to think more
About properly setting up your home
Is the backyard fenced or is open?
Cuz a fence is like $25 per linear foot.

And say there are some trees in that fence line.
Those will have to come down.
Cutting trees down used to be dirt cheap.
But now there are a lot of regulations and it’s expensive.

Don’t forget the cost of the land survey.
To make sure your neighbors won’t sue you
If you put the fence in the wrong place
And they call the city to rat on you.

So I haven’t added it all up.
But I’m sure by now you can see.
How much is that doggie in the window, you ask?
More trouble than its worth, easily!
Music ends

Experimental Pizza Hut Crust Flavors


Ten bucks some marketing guy has pitched all of these experimental crust flavors to Pizza Hut at some point.

Dessert crust flavors:

  • pudding
  • oreo
  • cookie dough
  • candy corn
  • candy cane

International crust flavors:

  • gyoza
  • borscht
  • ayahuasca

Fast-food partnership crust flavors:

  • KFC biscuit
  • Olive Garden All-You-Can-Eat breadstick
  • Señor Frog’s margarita
  • Animatronic Chuck-E-Cheese theater show

Circumstantial crust flavors of the past (where and when available):

Locally-sourced crust alternatives (where available):

  • fried iguana skins (Galapagos Islands)