The First Sext

sext-fails-its-dark

The first sext was not erotic in the slightest. It was not sent at 2 am. It was not even a booty call.

The first sext was not a witty pick-up line beamed to space on a cellular network. It was not even transmitted over the Internet.

The first sext was not sent from a man to a woman or vice versa. It was definitely not the work of a horny politician with a sex addiction (although that would come much later).

Shockingly, the first sext did not include a picture of anyone’s genitalia. And despite their popularity nowadays, it was not accompanied by a naked bathroom selfie.

The first sext was delivered by hand, however it was not handwritten.

The first sext was incredibly concise and yet evoked a thousand salacious images.

While I don’t know the exact time or place, the first sext was most likely exchanged in a school from one giggling boy to another. And these boys were almost assuredly nerds. (When the first sext appeared, nerds were still mocked and not super cool Internet Zillionaires like nerds today.)

The first sext was a groundbreaking example of creative expression using the latest technology. The message itself took up nearly the entire screen on which it appeared. Most of these screens were solar powered, so the first sext was likely viewed in daylight or at least under the institutional glow of flourescent lighting.

The first sext did not realize it was a sext for many years, and later modestly stepped down, taking a back seat and letting the cocky new generations express themselves with no clue that it–sitting right back there behind them, fat and bald and wearing a Hypercolor t-shirt and loud green, yellow and red Cross Colours jeans–was the true Originator.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the first sext:

calculator

Remembering the Shiny Disc Wars

JPEG image-5A6BC4E92AFE-1

I confess I never used AOL. But there is no denying it was huge. It was a key gateway for a lot of people to access the Internet in the early days of its existence. Talk about a major A-OL.

The biggest reason it was so huge? They had this crazy idea to manufacture CDs by the millions (loaded with their installation software) and mail them to everyone in the US! Did you know there is a group of people who collect these discs now?

I just did some checking and found some mind-blowing stats showing just how big AOL was in its prime.

AOL mailed 660 million disks during this promotional deluge. Keep in mind the population of the US was around 260 million at the time. That is almost 3 discs per person, not just per household!

Now stay with me here, this is where it gets fun. I am saying that way before Netflix, AOL was shipping discs to every city, every street, and every person in the US. No wonder Netflix knew it could be done! They watched AOL do it for years.

At the height of its DVD service, Netflix had almost 20 million customers and 40-50 million discs in its catalog. AOL did it bigger. They had 26 million US customers and hundreds of millions of discs in circulation.

Don’t forget we also had the BMG Music and Columbia House mail-order music clubs around that time. You could get 12 music CDs for the price of one! So did AOL ship more discs than BMG and Columbia House too?

Digging around, it seems the music clubs (BMG and Columbia House) are estimated to have shipped over a billion CDs in their heyday. (Interestingly, I also read that they didn’t properly license the music they were selling until 2006. Ripping off the musician, no real shocker there.) So all told, they rivaled or perhaps surpassed AOL’s reach in terms of discs delivered.

With this info, it seems my old hunch about the post office is clear. In the late 90s, the mail carrier’s job was little more than transporting shiny discs from place to place.

Prop Comic Gag or Russian Hacker Video

propcomic

Remember prop comics like Carrot Top or Gallagher? I have no idea why they get such a bad rap. Sure, if you think of them as comedians with a bunch of zany ideas, maybe I see your point. But if you reverse it… They are inventors with a sense of humor! Now you understand why I think they are underrated!

Seeing Carrot Top’s act is like watching Seinfeld pitch 30 products in a row on Shark Tank. The prop comic’s job is to show you a series of practical items in rapid-fire succession that make you say “Why didn’t I think of that?”

And all these life hack bloggers and YouTubers owe their entire genre to the prop comics. The prop comics were the first ones who recognized we could modify off-the-shelf products to better suit our needs and purposes. DIY would be SOL without PROPS.

To prove this lineage, will you play my little game?

Prop Comic Gag or Crazy Russian Hacker Video

    1. Russian Toothpaste
    2. Slippers You Can’t Stub Your Toe In
    3. Shoes You Never Will Outgrow
    4. Fastest Potato Peeler
    5. Back-saving Toilet Seat

Answer Key: 1. CRH 2. PCG 3. PCG 4. CRH 5. PCG

Fake Celebrity Real Estate News

fresh_prince

Each week, Internet Zillionaire brings you the top stories in fake celebrity real estate:

  • Big news in California real estate this week. Rap icon and 90’s sitcom star Fresh Prince is selling his mansion in Bel Air. Listed for $6 million, the family friendly house comes with a staff of one, a large kitchen, and a colorful “graffiti art” paint job in one room. Rumor has it the Fresh Prince is downsizing and is trading in his Bel Air pad for a small hacienda in Rancho Cucamonga.
  • Long-retired DIYer Bob Villa is finally putting this old house on the market. Local appraisers say the house is showing it’s age and Villa probably should have sold long ago if he were looking to make top dollar. As of now, the old place is more of a fixer upper.
  • Rather stark news from the prairie, as it seems Laura Ingalls Wilder may also be selling as this cryptic Craigslist ad appeared online this week: For sale: little house on large open prairie. Not to be confused with my other listing of “little house in big woods”. Cost: $40,000.
  • Sad news from New York City, as the Pope of Greenwich Village has passed away. The Cardinals of Canal Street have called for a papal conclave to elect the next Bishop of Broome, also known as the Pope. Real estate prices outside Greenwich Village could skyrocket if the new Pope is chosen from a different Manhattan neighborhood. One New Yorker stated “If the Pope of Tribeca is announced, I’m moving to Brooklyn.