Missing Amazon Alexa Commands

Alexa, will I regret this tattoo?

Alexa, Amazon’s voice-controlled assistant, is capable of many wondrous things. She can give you the weather forecast, add items to a shopping list, and even tell you who won the latest game of sportsball. It is supposed to be very futuristic (if the future is completely boring in the same way as today’s world). But there are a few missing commands that I wish she understood. You know, things that I can’t just as quickly and easily look up on my own.

Missing Amazon Alexa Commands

  • Alexa, where are my keys? And also, where is my wallet?
  • Alexa, do I put out the yard waste or the recycling with the garbage this week?
  • Alexa, did I remember to put the seat down?
  • Alexa, do I have any weird ear hairs or protuding nose hairs that need to be dealt with before I leave the house?
  • Alexa, what is this stain on my shirt and how long has it been there? Why didn’t you tell me before my date with Alyssa?
  • Alexa, I’m not going to leave the house today, am I?
  • Alexa, is it just me or is Zach Galifianakis just not funny anymore?
  • Alexa, dear God, am I turning 37 or 38 this year?
  • Alexa, should I call my new croissant/brownie mashup a broissant or a crownie?
  • Alexa, why am I still in my sweatpants at 3 in the afternoon?
  • Alexa, if my Mom calls tell her I’m at the opera and not in the Papa John’s parking lot.
  • Alexa, why did breakdancing go out of style just as I was getting good at it?
  • Alexa, how long before I go bald?
  • Alexa, what will people say when I die? Followup, who will be the saddest?
  • Alexa, add Pizza Hut breadsticks to the list of items to be served at my funeral.
  • Alexa, who in their right mind would love me?

Performance-Enhancers in Fantasy Football

If I catch you using PEDs in fantasy football I will fine you.

I am a tremendous fantasy football commissioner. Teams loves playing for me in my fantasy league. I had the whole league begging me to be the commissioner. Why? Because I am a great commissioner. I am very successful at it. I always email funny graphics. I send out clever polls. People love my polls. I’m saying that fish-faced Roger Goodell should be fired. Roger Goodell, you’re fired. With him in charge, fantasy football is dying. Roger Goodell is ruining fantasy football. He’s absolutely ruining it. Only I can make fantasy great again.

The only way to make fantasy great again is to make people pay. Listen, money talks. I should know, I have a lot of it. And when money talks, people listen. So this is it. If you break the rules, I will fine you. It’s as simple as that. No one is above the game or the rules that govern it. My job is to protect the integrity of fantasy football and to make sure the game is as fun as possible. And if you aren’t having fun, I’ll fine you. It’s my job.

Finable Behaviors in Fantasy Football

So let’s make it absolutely clear what behaviors will warrant a fine. I want to be really clear on this.

  1. If you don’t pay your league dues by draft day, I will fine you.
  2. If you don’t start a complete lineup no matter the week, I will fine you.
  3. If you don’t send a trash-talking email each week, I will fine you.
  4. If you mention your “work league”, I will fine you.
  5. If you don’t answer my polls, I will fine you.
  6. If you get caught using PEDs, I will fine you.

Finable Performance-Enhancers in Fantasy Football

A lot of people say to me, “I know what a performance-enhancing substance is for professional football. But what is a performance-enhancer for fantasy football?” It can be a lot of things. Let me tell you.

  • Incessant mock-drafting – It’s Friday night and you are in your mancave mock-drafting a 12-team league with 2 QBs while your wife is crying in the bedroom because she thinks you don’t love her or the kids anymore. That is a finable offense.
  • Following Matthew Berry’s fantasy advice – If I catch you listening to his podcast, browsing his Love/Hate column, or reading his book, you’re dinged.
  • Home-made Excel spreadsheets – If you are creating CELL functions for identifying PPR sleeper picks, you will get fined.
  • Watching the “All-22” game film on NFL Game Pass – You clearly have too much money to spend. I will take some of it for myself in the form of a fine.
  • Childless unemployment – If I wasn’t the commissioner, I would have to fine myself on this one.

Granted, I don’t have the resources or staff to enforce any of these fines. I’m not going to know if you download Matthew Berry’s podcast and listen to him bloviate on your commute. But I trust that fantasy football is a gentlemen’s game and all those who break the rules will fine themselves accordingly. Just make sure you send all that fine money to me, the Tremendous Commish. After all, only I can make fantasy great again!

Current Reflections on High School Yearbook Quotes


My 20-year high school reunion is coming up. As I’ve thought about those formative years, a whole host of emotions have bubbled up from deep within. (As you know, a Zillionaire’s heart is a deep ocean of secrets.)

First, of course, is curiosity. What have my classmates been up to? What stories have shaped their lives? Where has their journey taken them? If stranded on a deserted island, what Vanilla Ice song would they hum as they whittled coconuts?

Second, I get nervous because I wonder what they think of me. I feel far removed from the skinny Mormon boy they used to know. Granted, we all have Facebook so I’m hoping my physical appearance won’t be a complete shock. Besides, they couldn’t have known my life’s ambition has been to have facial hair like Charlie from the TV show “Party of Five” and a body like Shrek. But we all have opinions, memories and misconceptions we’ve locked away for the last 20 years that will suddenly be dug up like a time-capsule and put on display.

In a last-ditch effort to process these emotions, I feel compelled to find out just how much I’ve changed since high school. The only way to answer that question is to go back in time and try to understand who I was twenty years ago and juxtapose that with who I am now. So I’ve dug out my old yearbook supplement and present to you my current reflections on high school yearbook quotes. Keep in mind, these are actual quotes people wrote to me back in 1996.

Current Reflections on High School Yearbook Quotes

“You are the best 4-wheelin’ dude I know.”
I sincerely appreciate the positivity oozing from this comment. I had no idea those two times I rode a 4-wheeler at my friend’s farm demonstrated such skill however.

“I’m glad we kicked ass in golf this year.”
Again, I love the enthusiasm and I hate to be a stickler, but I’m pretty sure we lost almost every match and my personal golf scores dragged the team down like a set of concrete shoes on a dead mobster.

“I pledge allegiance to Powell Peralta of the United Sates of Vision Street Wear. And to Caballero for which it handplants, one nation under Tony Hawk with too many kickflips and freestyle boards for all.”
This is one of my favorite quotes from my yearbook. I don’t know who left it but it is pure poetry. Whoever you are, I hope you are winning some Def Jam Poetry Slam somewhere as I type this.

“Well I never know what to say except that Disco rules & you’re the “Dancing Queen.”
Despite not knowing what to say, you’ve led with some very strong opinions of music that I can reflect on. Not to mention, you’ve unknowingly left the best backhanded compliment a heterosexual 17-year old boy never wants to get.

“Best of luck with your professional rapping career. Hot tip: I bet you’d be huge in Latin America.”
In hindsight, this stings a bit. Had I gotten a few breaks, I’m basically Macklemore and I even have my own Ryan Lewis named Jon Solo! I should have listened to your hot tip and recorded a version of Blacktop and Chains in Spanish.

“I don’t care what people say, you still are and always will be really lame and immature!”
Let’s forgive the use of “lame” as it really wasn’t meant offensively 20 years ago. In today’s parlance, I am being characterized as “uncool and childish.” My good friends will recognize how true this remains. I will forever be Peter Pan with a neckbeard.

“Good luck, maybe you’ll grow up to be a guy who writes articles that piss a whole lot of people off.”
Holy crap! Apparently I went to high school with Nostradamus. The only thing this person got wrong was they overestimated my influence. I did grow up. I still write. I still piss people off. But it isn’t a “whole lot” and it is almost never intentional. Maybe this article will prove them right, however.

“Always remember the single most important thing to life; nudity.”
Thank god I got this incredible advice when I was still young and naive enough to see its true beauty and wisdom without being jaded by its frank(and beans)ness and vulgarity. It has served me well over the years. From playing basketball with the fellas to important job interviews, my fondness for nudity has set me apart. In fact, you should picture me naked right now writing this blog post. Now, hold on to that image in your mind. Turn it over in your head a few times. Let it sit there for a few minutes. Just a few minutes more. You’re almost done thinking of me naked but not quite yet…