Fellow Zillionaires, I have wanted to write a post for sometime now. This last weekend I had an experience worthy of telling. The story gains some street cred with the following information: When I first met my mother-in-law five years ago I sent a Death Star-size piece of bubblegum into her hair. The gum then had to remain there for three hours while we crossed the Canadian/US border. Since that day I have given my wife’s parents endless reasons to banish me from the family. Well I finally topped that experience. Before my story begins know this, in five months my wife and I will be moving to Washington and living with her folks for a while. Keeping that in mind, this is how it went down…
My wife recently finished her Master’s degree at Cal State San Bernardino University and her parents flew down for the occasion. The traffic was barbeque bad on the way to the airport (so bad that you can get out of the car and BBQ a burger before you need to pull one inch forward). They flew into John Wayne airport in Orange County. If you have spent any minutes of misery watching the terrible show “The OC” you have seen exactly what this place is like. I hate it and everyone in it. Anyway, after the Chinese water torture of a drive, we arrive almost on time.
The trip was scheduled for four days. I expected a certain amount of luggage to come along with them, but damn. They arrive with enough suitcases to shelter a village of Smurfs. I mean, I drive a Subaru wagon and they completely filled the back. I couldn’t even see out the back. Any of you that have ridden with me know that I need zero help in being a bad driver. So with the back loaded down and the added pressure of my in-laws riding along, I proceed to nearly kill us six times. One time included a hard enough skid that a suitcase flew up and hit my mother in-law in the head.
So my wife decided that we would spend the first couple of days at her mountain house. Well, I was so stressed-out driving that I didn’t see the gaslight come on. MR stop nodding your head like you know exactly what is going to happen. Anyway, about two miles from anything we run out of gas. It just so happened that the car stopped on a blind corner on the busiest street in the mountains of So Cal. As we dodged speeding cars like Frogger I sent my wife away to the house with her parents. Of course she saw a chance for me to have a moment’s peace and naturally did her wifely duties and sent her father with me. He spent the entire walk to the gas station telling me how this has never actually happened to anyone he knows. So my mother in-law, who just arrived from traveling since three in the morning has been hit in the head and now has to hike uphill two miles to the house. Gaylord Focker has nothing on me. At this point I’m asking god to strike me dead.
I’m feeling pretty much like I’m living a National Lampoons movie. Lucky me I get to go spend the next two days up at lake Arrowhead in a cabin with them. So picture the house from the Shining but about three bedrooms in size. It had a hot tub out on the deck so I retreated to it for some peace. Soon the whole gang followed me in to the tub. No subject is more taboo with parents than sex. Apparently, my mother-in-law did not get that memo. As soon as they are in the tub, she begins to share with me that the house is perfect for getting it on. I tried to be polite but when she began to tell me that she hoped we would not hear the headboard banging on the wall that was it. I started looking for the hidden cameras. Exit stage left for Krusty, I mean come on.
Also, I managed to get drunk one night and crush her dad at pool while doing the Krusty stumbling-drunk-weave. The last great achievement of the weekend was on the next day. We missed the flight taking them home because I stopped to eat. This meant that her parents had to spend about half a day in the airport waiting for the next flight, (and yes, I just left them).
Over all it was a fantastic weekend. Yes, that is right. This was actually a good one (imagine the really bad). I hope all of you can now further appreciate the relationship you have with your in-laws. I felt this was an experience I had to share with everyone. I hope no one has had a similar experience, but if you have cough it up.
Krusty (Clark Griswold)