Forgotten Top Five

I was going to post this yesterday but I forgot. Without further ado, the top five things I forget the most:

5. Immediate family members’ birthdays.

Sad but true. I can, however, confirm that Ben Affleck’s birthday is August 15. Unexplainable.

4. How to count backwards from five.

This is not normal but apparently is true because I just typed a 3 over on the left and then had to hit delete and type a 4. Weird.

3. My problems.

While I technically don’t forget them, I do bath and wash them in alcohol nightly to try to forget them!

2. I don’t like to spread butter on most things.

While I don’t forget this, my mom does. She always forgets that I don’t like butter on my pancakes, french toast, bread, etc. She is so surprised every time I say “no thanks” to the butter. Then I always get really upset and start crying about how my mother doesn’t know who I am or love me. It’s awkward, but I really don’t like butter Mom! Accept me for who I am!

1. Things happening in your life that you think are important and that you have shared with me in confidence at some point.

I’m sorry, but I kinda spaced it. But I’m not a bad guy darnit. I’ll pretend I remember exactly what’s going on and even ask some vague but inquisitive type of questions. Bear with me, alright!

5 thoughts on “Forgotten Top Five”

  1. It is wierd that you don’t like butter. In your mom’s world it is probably along the same lines as being gay. Back in her day they slathered everything with butter. Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if they put butter in their coffee or on their toothbrushes in the morning. She probably thinks that you’re going to become a veagan next and get on the news for protesting animal cruelty. Also, number 1 is right on. I would say that about 99% of personal things that people tell me I forget in about 10 seconds. About half of the time I never hear it in the first place and just nod like a bobblehead doll. I think of it as a survival instinct but it almost always works against me, not because people get mad at me for forgetting, but because more people blab their problems to me because they know that I won’t tell anyone. Go figure.

  2. Can I add to this list of things you’ve forgotten? Sadly, it’s gotten to the point where you’ve forgotten to write about things that you’ve forgotten… Thankfully, I’m happy to address a few you’ve missed:

    1. Unfulfilled promises to “buy the next round.” Don’t worry, I haven’t forgotten… I’ve got quite the spreadsheet built to track this. Someday, I’ll belly up to a bar and consume free drinks on your tab, nonstop, until I’m either dead from alcohol poisoning or we’re finally settled up.

    2. Who actually thought up most of the inside jokes and little catch phrases we use between us. It drives me nuts that I have to argue over who was the first to actually use the expressions “dealbreaker” or “coldcock” or “chafe-a-matic.” I think deep down we both know who crafted these expressions. I’ll give you a hint: it wasn’t you.

    3. Forgetting to bring mission-critical items on our adventures or vacations. For instance, our New Year’s ski weekend where you forgot to pack your coat, hat, gloves, snow pants, ski mask, and boots. However, you did manage to bring your laptop, so I guess I’ll give you bonus points for that…

  3. Thanks for keeping me in line, MR. I’m super glad I have friends like you who point out all my shortcomings in the most public sphere possible (the Internet). :)

    For those of you that don’t know, that is my scripted rebuttal routine for when MR throws these type of jabs. It usually quiets him down a little, but in his silence I can audibly hear his blood beginning to boil. I have a keen knack for making MR so angry that in no time flat his eyes heat up, his voice deepens, and his body morphs into a pale and pasty knockoff version of Hulk. He is still harmless in this condition but he’s a lot more fun.

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