Men have it good. Maybe too good. We grow old, we’re more “distinguished.” We go bald, we’re better looking! We lose our chiseled physique, we have a sexy Dad Bod! It’s all rainbows and unicorns for us guys.
How far we can take this Dad Bod craze? Where will society draw the line? Of course, some enterprising (albeit unimaginative) Internet Zillionaire-wannabe has already cornered the “Grandpa Bod” market with this t-shirt on Zazzle.
A true Internet Zillionaire can do better than that. In fact, for the last few years I’ve been hard at work perfecting the next evolution of the Dad Bod. I’ve put myself through an insane regimen. I’ve been skipping weights at the gym and instead going for personal records (PRs) at the all-you-can-eat buffet. I’ve cut out all broccoli from my diet and doubled up on croissants and gummy candy. I drink the recommended 64 ounces each day but I substitute Mr. Pibb for Mr. H20 (water, if you call it by its less formal name). I liken it to the body transformation process movie actors put themselves through when preparing for a role. So, of course, I found the inspiration for the next male body type in the title character of a well-known movie. I call it Shrek Bod.
Shrek Bod is the new Dad Bod
If women thought Dad Bod said “we like being the pretty one” and “good eats”, Shrek Bod pushes the envelope even further. It screams “you aren’t the person I fell in love with” and “you ate all the donut holes in one sitting?”
While a little belly fat and some love handles are the major distinguishing features of a dad bod, the defining characteristics of Shrek Bod are a huge, protruding gut and a really flabby neck which completely swallows the chin.
The movie character Shrek has a green complexion, but Shrek Bod is more of a pasty white. Lack of sun, extreme shame of putting on a swimsuit, and general fear of going out and being recognized contribute significantly to this coloration.
Who loves the Shrek Bod?
While men do have it good, it turns out society has drawn a line. Shrek Bod crosses way over it. Truth be told, Shrek Bod has some unforeseen yet major flaws. Heterosexual women want nothing to do with it. And, among its practitioners, it slowly and silently erodes all self-confidence. Thankfully, the process can be reversed and the effects will wear off.
So if you see me eating carrots sticks and broccoli soup this summer, don’t mind me. I’m just working on my Dad Bod.
Also published on Medium.