Whenever someone brings in a prepackaged variety pack of donuts into the office it is always interesting to watch the selection of donuts unfold one by one. Since this time of year coincides with the drafts of all three major sports, I thought it fitting to provide coverage of the “draft” that takes place everyday in offices across the country. On that note, I’m pleased to present the first overall pick in the 2007 Office Variety Pack Donut Draft…
(Thanks to Mr. Shizzworth for the graphic.)
1st Overall Pick: The maple bar.
No surprises here. This is probably the safest pick in the draft.
2nd Overall Pick: The other maple bar.
Now the draft will get interesting, as there are no more maple-style donuts left on the board.
3rd Overall Pick: The Bavarian chocolate donut with creme filling.
Easily the most unhealthy selection available, which is really saying something. Believe it or not, I’ve actually seen a Bavarian crème donut with sprinkles on top as well. Personally, I think only a hummingbird could safely ingest that much concentrated sugar.
4th Overall Pick: Mystery-filled glazed donut.
Wow, this is a very risky selection this high in the draft, considering that there are many attractive options still available. However, if the mystery filling turns out to be raspberry, this will be regarded as a good selection. In the event that the filling is lemon, this pick will be viewed as a colossal mistake.
5th Overall Pick: The seasonally themed sprinkled donut.
In this instance, since we are close to Easter, the sprinkles are pastel colored. If this draft were to take place around Christmas, the sprinkles would have been green and red. At Halloween, black and orange. Just like the changing colors of leaves on trees, apparently people like to be able to identify the season by the sprinkles on their donut.
6th Overall Pick: The old-fashioned cake donut.
For some reason, it can’t just be called a cake donut. The “old-fashioned” is part of the name. It’s not like there are “new fangled” versions of cake donuts available.
Also, we just got an update on the 4th overall pick: The filling was indeed raspberry, and was described as delicious.
7th Overall Pick: The apple fritter.
The fritter is the true wild card in the draft. Some people love them, while others can’t stand them. Let’s dissect the pros and cons of the fritter…
Pros: For starters, the fritter is always the biggest donut in the box. For some reason, a fritter cannot be made smaller than a mouse pad. It’s just not possible. Because of that, the fritter is the one donut that could be classified as a standalone meal. Also, when making your pick, you have the ability to say something like “Well, I’m not going to fritter away this selection, I’m going with the fritter.” Depending on how dry your office is, you might actually get a laugh or two.
Cons: Appearance is the biggest downside. The fritter looks like a misshapen pile of donut batter, compiled from the leftovers of all the other donuts in the batch. In addition, they always make sure it is really dark brown and lumpy. In other words, it looks the same going in as it does going out. Not a good quality for a food to have. Also, while a fresh fritter can be delicious, once it has sat out for a while the texture of the fritter basically hardens from a soft pastry to that of petrified wood. As a general rule, you should always avoid a day-old fritter, as you will likely end up breaking your jaw trying to eat it.
8th Overall Pick: Plain glazed donut.
Not a bad pick. But, like the apple fritter, a weird chemical reaction seems to happen to the plain glazed donut after about 24 hours. The glaze starts to bead up, then liquify, almost as if the donut were perspiring. All of this occurs while the rest of the donut inexplicably dries up. At this point, it is completely inedible. I would seriously hate to see what would happen to this donut under a full moon.
9th Overall Pick: Half of a powdered sugar donut.
This seems to happen in every office donut draft: Someone actually took a plastic knife and cut the donut in half, and left the remainder in the box. It will be interesting to see how far the remaining half of the donut will slide in the draft.
10th Overall Pick: Chocolate donut with crushed peanuts.
I’m a little surprised that this donut didn’t go higher in the draft. Since this variety pack lacked a maple bar covered in almond slices, this is probably the healthiest donut on the board, at least in terms of protein content.
11th Overall Pick: The glazed donut with coconut shavings.
This is a good value pick right here. True, nobody wants coconut on their donut. However, if you are willing to scrape off the coconut shavings, you are left with a quality donut that has mid-first round value at a late first round pick. As an added bonus, you can put the coconut shavings in an envelope and leave it on a coworker’s desk. And voila, you’ve got an instant fake anthrax attack.
12th Overall Pick: The other half of the powdered sugar donut.
At this point in the draft, there simply aren’t many attractive options left in the box. This pick clearly involves a lot of deliberation.
First, you need to factor in how the donut was halved. Did someone just eat half a donut and leave the bite-marked remainder? Was it broken in half by hand, and if so, does it appear to have been excessively handled? Thankfully, in this instance, the plastic knife was left sitting in the box, creating the assumption that it was halved in the most sanitary way possible.
Second, the classic quality vs. quantity debate must be examined. Do you want half of a serviceable donut, or the entire amount of something disgusting? I guess it depends on how hungry you are.
13th Overall Pick: The glazed donut with a messy dollop of lemon filling on top.
Clearly, this was the least desirable donut in the variety pack. And this is always the case, regardless of how the variety pack is constituted: The lemon donut will always be picked last, if at all. Seriously, most men have thrown away more uneaten lemon donuts in their lifetime than pairs of underwear.
And sadly, the lemon filling is usually spread pervasively around the donut, making it too difficult to eat around or scrape off. Also, even if you could scrape it off, it’s not like lemon filling can be cleverly disguised as a biological weapon.
So if nobody likes lemon donuts why do they continue to make them? And why is there unfailingly a lemon donut in every variety pack?
I have a theory. A conspiracy theory, no less. I think businesses across the country like to have lemon donuts in the variety pack so they can subtly monitor the people that choose to eat them. Maybe it’s a warning sign of clinical depression or mental illness. Perhaps it’s a way to spot the workers in the office that are on drugs. I don’t know. Just be careful if you select the lemon donut. It might show up on your quarterly review.