The Office Variety Pack Donut Draft

Whenever someone brings in a prepackaged variety pack of donuts into the office it is always interesting to watch the selection of donuts unfold one by one. Since this time of year coincides with the drafts of all three major sports, I thought it fitting to provide coverage of the “draft” that takes place everyday in offices across the country. On that note, I’m pleased to present the first overall pick in the 2007 Office Variety Pack Donut Draft…

(Thanks to Mr. Shizzworth for the graphic.)

1st Overall Pick: The maple bar.
No surprises here. This is probably the safest pick in the draft.

2nd Overall Pick: The other maple bar.
Now the draft will get interesting, as there are no more maple-style donuts left on the board.

3rd Overall Pick: The Bavarian chocolate donut with creme filling.
Easily the most unhealthy selection available, which is really saying something. Believe it or not, I’ve actually seen a Bavarian crème donut with sprinkles on top as well. Personally, I think only a hummingbird could safely ingest that much concentrated sugar.

4th Overall Pick: Mystery-filled glazed donut.
Wow, this is a very risky selection this high in the draft, considering that there are many attractive options still available. However, if the mystery filling turns out to be raspberry, this will be regarded as a good selection. In the event that the filling is lemon, this pick will be viewed as a colossal mistake.

5th Overall Pick: The seasonally themed sprinkled donut.
In this instance, since we are close to Easter, the sprinkles are pastel colored. If this draft were to take place around Christmas, the sprinkles would have been green and red. At Halloween, black and orange. Just like the changing colors of leaves on trees, apparently people like to be able to identify the season by the sprinkles on their donut.

6th Overall Pick: The old-fashioned cake donut.
For some reason, it can’t just be called a cake donut. The “old-fashioned” is part of the name. It’s not like there are “new fangled” versions of cake donuts available.

Also, we just got an update on the 4th overall pick: The filling was indeed raspberry, and was described as delicious.

7th Overall Pick: The apple fritter.
The fritter is the true wild card in the draft. Some people love them, while others can’t stand them. Let’s dissect the pros and cons of the fritter…

Pros: For starters, the fritter is always the biggest donut in the box. For some reason, a fritter cannot be made smaller than a mouse pad. It’s just not possible. Because of that, the fritter is the one donut that could be classified as a standalone meal. Also, when making your pick, you have the ability to say something like “Well, I’m not going to fritter away this selection, I’m going with the fritter.” Depending on how dry your office is, you might actually get a laugh or two.

Cons: Appearance is the biggest downside. The fritter looks like a misshapen pile of donut batter, compiled from the leftovers of all the other donuts in the batch. In addition, they always make sure it is really dark brown and lumpy. In other words, it looks the same going in as it does going out. Not a good quality for a food to have. Also, while a fresh fritter can be delicious, once it has sat out for a while the texture of the fritter basically hardens from a soft pastry to that of petrified wood. As a general rule, you should always avoid a day-old fritter, as you will likely end up breaking your jaw trying to eat it.

8th Overall Pick: Plain glazed donut.
Not a bad pick. But, like the apple fritter, a weird chemical reaction seems to happen to the plain glazed donut after about 24 hours. The glaze starts to bead up, then liquify, almost as if the donut were perspiring. All of this occurs while the rest of the donut inexplicably dries up. At this point, it is completely inedible. I would seriously hate to see what would happen to this donut under a full moon.

9th Overall Pick: Half of a powdered sugar donut.
This seems to happen in every office donut draft: Someone actually took a plastic knife and cut the donut in half, and left the remainder in the box. It will be interesting to see how far the remaining half of the donut will slide in the draft.

10th Overall Pick: Chocolate donut with crushed peanuts.
I’m a little surprised that this donut didn’t go higher in the draft. Since this variety pack lacked a maple bar covered in almond slices, this is probably the healthiest donut on the board, at least in terms of protein content.

11th Overall Pick: The glazed donut with coconut shavings.
This is a good value pick right here. True, nobody wants coconut on their donut. However, if you are willing to scrape off the coconut shavings, you are left with a quality donut that has mid-first round value at a late first round pick. As an added bonus, you can put the coconut shavings in an envelope and leave it on a coworker’s desk. And voila, you’ve got an instant fake anthrax attack.

12th Overall Pick: The other half of the powdered sugar donut.
At this point in the draft, there simply aren’t many attractive options left in the box. This pick clearly involves a lot of deliberation.

First, you need to factor in how the donut was halved. Did someone just eat half a donut and leave the bite-marked remainder? Was it broken in half by hand, and if so, does it appear to have been excessively handled? Thankfully, in this instance, the plastic knife was left sitting in the box, creating the assumption that it was halved in the most sanitary way possible.

Second, the classic quality vs. quantity debate must be examined. Do you want half of a serviceable donut, or the entire amount of something disgusting? I guess it depends on how hungry you are.

13th Overall Pick: The glazed donut with a messy dollop of lemon filling on top.
Clearly, this was the least desirable donut in the variety pack. And this is always the case, regardless of how the variety pack is constituted: The lemon donut will always be picked last, if at all. Seriously, most men have thrown away more uneaten lemon donuts in their lifetime than pairs of underwear.

And sadly, the lemon filling is usually spread pervasively around the donut, making it too difficult to eat around or scrape off. Also, even if you could scrape it off, it’s not like lemon filling can be cleverly disguised as a biological weapon.

So if nobody likes lemon donuts why do they continue to make them? And why is there unfailingly a lemon donut in every variety pack?

I have a theory. A conspiracy theory, no less. I think businesses across the country like to have lemon donuts in the variety pack so they can subtly monitor the people that choose to eat them. Maybe it’s a warning sign of clinical depression or mental illness. Perhaps it’s a way to spot the workers in the office that are on drugs. I don’t know. Just be careful if you select the lemon donut. It might show up on your quarterly review.

8 thoughts on “The Office Variety Pack Donut Draft”

  1. I think the seasonally sprinkled cake donut should have gone higher. It’s not too big so you don’t feel like you’re really cheating your diet. It’s not too small so you don’t feel the need to go back for more.

    Plus it’s usually the least messy so you can handle it one handed so you can keep your other hand on the mouse.

    Oh and it’s pretty which brings a little joy to your otherwise not so fun day at work…

  2. Definitely a great run for the glaze, although the water cooler war this year was over the fritter. What happened folks?

    While the maple seems to go fast, this morsel is repeatedly overlooked. Its unconventional, nasty exterior makes other donuts look like cream puffs (excluding the Bavarian). Colossal flavor in every crevice, it provides that surprise burst of power inside and out. Topped with a tough shell of sweet glaze and apple goodness, it’s a cup of Joe’s best counterpart. Ok, so it’s not winning Playmate of the Year, but its sheer size dwarfs opponents. I see this as a solid 2.

    Another disappointment for the fruit varietal… we saw the coconut (commonly mistaken as a fruit) barely break into the baker’s dozen. Its counterpart, the upside-down pineapple won’t even go in the second round… a tough sell outside of Hawaii. Lemon rarely goes higher than 12 and raspberry, although edgy with its unpredictability, just seems a little flat for it to have gone in the top 5.

  3. since i don’t work in an office i’ll cross reference with my job. generally there’s a case of either a)heineken or b)corona. now if it’s a big show we get either a)grey goose vodka or b)johnny walker black whiskey. i’m starting to prefer corona over heineken, especially with a lime. however, i’m starting to get tired of beer every night, maybe i should start eating donuts instead. for the record, i’d take a cherry filled powder any day of the week.

  4. This selection is a farse. What kind of reputable poll could exist without the bear claw in the top five. I am going to boycott this draft unless bear claw is given the appropriate amount of respect. If you can’t rank the mighty bear claw in the top five then you need to retire and just eat donut holes from now on.

  5. My donut “Dream Team”:

    The Bigfoot – Identical to the maple bar but the size and shape of a Sasquatch’s foot. This donut literally stomps all over the competition.

    The Fritter – Nothing’s better than a donut that can double as a catcher’s mitt. It’s funny because you usually have to soften up the fritter the same way you have to break in a glove too. I like to fold the fritter in half and wrap a few strong rubberbands around it to loosen it up before I take a bite.

    The Old-Fashioned – I always feel like I’m in biology class with this donut because I dissect it like a science experiment when I eat it. I pull off each “wing” and examine it closely before taking it down. Soon I’m left with just a motionless donut torso.

    The Lemon Anything – My favorite pie is lemon meringue. My favorite cake is lemon with lemon frosting. My favorite donut filling or dollup is lemon. For the record I am depressed, mentally ill, and on drugs. So The Centaur’s theory holds up.

    The White Frosted Sprinkled Cake – This is the Liberace of donuts. Extravagant. Flamboyant. And covered in bling.

  6. Krusty, I understand your complaint. First off, don’t think for a minute that I inadvertently left off the bear claw. I fully acknowledge that in any straight-up donut draft, a bear claw would be a lock for the top five.

    However, this draft centered around the variety packs of donuts you find in supermarkets. And for some reason, the bear claw is never included in the dozen. Seriously, I challenge you to go to Safeway and find a prepackaged variety pack of donuts with a bear claw. They simply don’t exist.

    I don’t know why the bear claw is always excluded, it just is. I’m sure there’s a conspiracy theory in there somewhere…

    Also, I knew this list would be controversial. I’m just waiting for The Captive Lion to respond to the 7th Overall Pick. Once, he got lost as a young lad, and he was actually raised by a pack of fritters for a week or two. To this day, they still hold a special place in his heart.

  7. Now you are talking about something I know and care about. With over 50 years of expertise, the plain everyday cake donut is my # 1 draft pick when buying donuts for a group of people. Most people turn up their noses to this delicacy leaving more for me. Next time you have a chance, try one- especially if they are fresh and warm. Remember they are only one point compared to a 75 point maple bar.

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