My wife is pregnant, and in a few months, her water will break. Iâ€™ve been made aware of this. As I tend to fear what I donâ€™t understand, let me say that I am terrified right now.
Letâ€™s start with the choice of terminology. Her â€œwaterâ€ is going to â€œbreakâ€. First off, how do you â€œbreakâ€ water? Is breaking water like breaking wind, only infinitely messier?
And why are we tiptoeing here? Her â€œwaterâ€ is going to â€œbreak,â€ huh? Ok. Will her â€œspatulaâ€ do the â€œlimboâ€? Is her â€œcurling ironâ€ going to â€œoperate a bulldozerâ€? Why are we combining nonsensical nouns and verbs together to totally mystify the birthing process?
Sadly, I think I know the answer. Iâ€™m afraid that the term â€œwaterâ€ is a euphemism. Letâ€™s be real here. Iâ€™m sure whatever comes out will be maybe 70% water, but what about the other 30%? My wife isnâ€™t a camel. Itâ€™s not like sheâ€™s been storing a supply of water in her hump these last six months.
And how much â€œwaterâ€ are we talking about here? A glass? A gallon? How involved will the cleanup process be? Will this simply involve a roll of Brawny or will I have to bust out the wet/dry vac from the garage? Should I look into renting a Hazmat suit?
It just seems like it could be a tremendous mess. And normally, tremendous messes are my wifeâ€™s department. But once the water breaks, thatâ€™s it. Itâ€™s time to go to the hospital. What about the huge mess on the floor? Whoâ€™s responsible for that? Since sheâ€™s the one who actually made the mess, it seems logical for it to be her responsibility to clean it up.
Unfortunately, sheâ€™ll be going into labor. How convenient. So what do I do? Rush her to the hospital, or start cleaning a massive stain before it sets? Weâ€™ve got some nice furnishings around our house that I would hate to see ruined by â€œwaterâ€ damage. Our carpet still looks new. Weâ€™ve got some leather upholstery in the basement. I guess I should plan ahead and start covering all our furniture with tarps just in case.
Needless to say, Iâ€™m really hoping she saves me the hassle and just breaks water at the office.