Help! Something is Wrong with My Dog

Dog hates selfies

As a new dog owner, I’m a bit of a hypochondriac. If he doesn’t eat all his food at dinner, I worry he needs more flavor variety. When he drinks out of his water bowl too soon after a walk, I am nervous he will get “bloat” (My wife has convinced me this is an actual medical issue we need to look out for). If his poop comes out more like soft-serve ice cream instead of the traditional Lincoln Log consistency, I feel sorry for the guy. Yes, I have the vet on speed-dial. But lately I’ve come upon an issue that no vet has been able to help us with.

Something is seriously wrong with my dog. He doesn’t like selfies.

I’m not sure if he is just rebelling against this narcissistic, self-absorbed selfie craze out of principle or if he has some inexplicable body image issue (despite how handsome he is to me). Whatever it is, he refuses to talk to me and tell me about it. He just shows me his disgust by constantly turning his head sideways, looking up or down, or leaving whenever I try to pose us for selfies together. It’s almost like he doesn’t care about showing how much fun we have together on my Facebook page.

Maybe he is ashamed he can’t do duck lips.

There is a slight chance he is in the witness protection program and must avoid having his picture taken at all costs to protect us from old enemies and keep his identity a secret. In all honesty, his past is a mystery and his behavior indicates he could have been mixed up in some pretty dark and twisted stuff. Think The Departed but with undercover cop dogs and leg humping. But I’m not convinced that is the reason.

He’s probably just sick of posing nude for me.


Also published on Medium.

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