Believe it or not, I actually know someone in the fragrance industry. And she works at Calvin Klein no less. Naturally, whenever I get the opportunity to see her, I try and help her out with a few pitches for new fragrances. It’s the least I can do.
Let’s face it, fragrances these days have gotten too predictable. Perfumes for women, generally, smell like flowers or fresh produce. Seriously, this is the best you can come up with? I can smell flowers anytime, just by swinging by the local botanical garden or funeral home.
And colognes for men are even worse. We’re supposed to smell like abstract or philosophical concepts. Truth. Be. Eternity. All of these are actual Calvin Klein fragrances. I suppose it sounds better than “Gullible” or “Desperate” which is what you actually smell like.
Anyway, for the record, I don’t wear cologne. No need. I have a rich, natural musk. Of course, if Calvin Klein had his way, my wife would probably smell like lavender peaches and I would smell like immortality. Somehow this makes sense in the fragrance industry.
As you can see, some fragrance innovation is long overdue. Here are some of my ideas:
Summer Barbeque for Women: Nothing will attract a man’s attention quite like the scent of a slab of meet cooking over an open flame. Ladies, with a sprinkle of Summer Barbeque, you can be the slab of meat that will get his mouth watering.
Seriously, try this one at home. Just dab a little barbeque sauce behind your ear, or sprinkle some A1 Steak Sauce on your wrist before your next evening out. Ask my wife. It will drive your man wild.
Flammable for Men: As the name suggests, this fragrance is 100% pure gasoline. The unmistakable scent of any flammable liquid always creates panic in a crowd of people. Danger is present. Ha! Not only do you laugh at danger, but you wear it on your sleeve. And you even splash a little danger on your neck. Why not, you’ll shoot a squirt or two of danger down your boxers as well. Just don’t blink. And don’t stand near an open flame.
Of course, this one might be a tough sell at $50 per bottle, considering it is readily available at any gas station for about $3 per gallon. We’ll let the marketing guys figure it out.
New Car Smell for Women: Rollback the odometer, ladies! This youthful fragrance will persuade any man to kick the tires, look under the hood, and take a test drive. Buy or lease, the financing options are on your terms (on approved credit).
Freshly Cut Grass for Men: A manly scent, outdoorsy and clean. Whether it be manicuring the lawn at home, or spending the day on the links: This is the scent for men that work hard and play hard.
And yes, I entertained the idea of crafting my own homemade version of this scent. If grass stains weren’t so hard to get out, I would seriously smell like my front lawn right now.
Bacon for Women: Mmmmmm… bacon. This versatile fragrance is just like the pork product: salty, greasy and enticing at any time of the day. Think about it: Add bacon to a side of eggs, a burger, a pizza, even a salad, and it transforms the ordinary into the extraordinary. It’s the little black dress of fragrances; Bacon will deliciously suit your needs for any occasion.
E.R. for Men: The scent of cheating death. E.R is a combination of perspiration, antiseptics, and a few pints of lost blood. We’ll provide the scent, the harrowing tale of your near demise is up to you.