I proudly present, some things I like to say around the Office:
- “I crunch more numbers before 8 am than most people do all day.â€
- “You can’t spell ‘analysis’ without the word ‘anal’.â€
- “I hate living under a dictatorship. We should get to vote on raises and stuff like that.
- “My motto has always been to live by the sword, and die by the sword.”
- “I quit. Just joking.”
- “Really? At my old job they didn’t care if we slept at our desks. Weird.”
- “You can’t believe everything you read. Take my resume, for instance. It’s full of blatant falsehoods.”
- “Business-casual? Sounds like an oxymoron to me. Maybe we should all dress ‘hard-working-relaxed’ instead. Or how about ‘Serious-laidback’ attire?”
- “The sad thing is, I’m actually considered a good employee around here. That’s how messed up this place is.”
- “Shoot, has anyone seen my flask?”
- “Listen everyone, we need to get our ducks in a row. We’ve been letting the fox guard the henhouse, and now the chickens are coming home to roost. We’ve been getting a cock and bull story, but I think it’s just a pig in a poke, and we should be sitting in the catbird seat instead of watching this dog and pony show. Everyone got that? Good.” (Ok, I can’t take credit for this one. I’m quoting my boss. He uses a different barnyard idiom in almost every sentence. Needless to say, we have very colorful dialogue around here.)
- “Titles aren’t really important to me. Especially those of my superiors.”
- “Don’t shoot the messenger, people. I, like most postal employees, am heavily armed.”
- “They stopped carrying Twix in the vending machines? Are you kidding? You know, there have been a lot of decisions around here lately that I haven’t been consulted on.”
- “His cubicle definitely has an old man smell to it.”
- “I already looked into it. The company handbook makes no mention of the use of roller skates around the office.”
- “Solitaire… FreeCell… Minesweeper… I’m sick of all of them. When are they going to get some new games around here?”
“The word of the day is ‘Legs’. Go ahead and spread the word out.”
No Brenda I think the word you are thinking of is “litorally” not “literally”
I’m more a fan of the clever work-environment comments directed at me. Here is my top choice:
“Hey Amy – are you working hard or hardly working? Ha ha haaa”
If these people only took the time to come around my desk and check out the open windows of internet material and online games on my screen, they could stop asking me that asinine question.
“Gosh my ankle hurts. Does anyone have any frozen breastmilk in the staff fridge, amongst all the frozen dinners, that I could use to ice it down with? Oh wait, I do.”
That’s my world and I’m sure it’s not wierd at all for everyone else around the office.
“Did you try shutting everything down and restarting? That’s all I’m gonna do.”
“If that doesn’t work, just google it.”
“Oh you tried that already… we’ll what makes you think I will find something better when I search for it.”
“What does that even mean? There is no such thing as a web monkey. There are spider monkeys, but I’m 100% sure they aren’t really good at sifting through google results.”
“Hmmm… I don’t know what to say. I don’t have that problem, I use a mac.”