Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places

  • not hiding under the pile of dirty laundry in my closet
  • not in the Netflix envelope
  • not at the bottom of this Jameson bottle
  • not on milfhunter.com
  • not under the rock i crawled under for the last month
  • not playing hours of halo 2 on xbox live
  • not vacationing in the bahamas alone
  • not in the furniture someone else left out on the street that i brought up and furnished my apartment with
  • not walking down the street, looking all cute, waiting for a random stranger (me) to say hi
  • not waiting twenty extra minutes to sit in the front car of the Cyclone roller coaster at Coney Island
  • not catching a glance of me walking around the apartment naked, pausing at length in front of the windows
  • not in line at mickey d’s ordering off the dollar menu
  • not on the other end of a telemarketing call
  • not in a perfume-scented fan letter to Scarlett Johansson or Avril Lavigne
  • not behind the counter impressed i’m buying 24 rolls of toilet paper and an 8 pack of oscar meyer hotdogs
  • not at the laundromat folding my pit-stained white tees
  • not in the random playlist on my ipod
  • not in the macrumors.com forum customizing her avatar
  • not on casual encounters on craigslist
  • not in the fat knocked out of my george-forman-grilled boca burger
  • not in the deep recesses of my depressed mind

Seriously, I’ve looked everywhere I can think. What else is a guy to do?

13 thoughts on “Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places”

  1. I already told you, your love was probably at your 10 year high school reunion. That girl, the one that you were afraid to talk to (for the 5 years it took you to graduate), she was there that weekend to look at you across a crowded room and wonder why she thought you were such a “Fungi” in high school. When she sees you now, she would be “Lion” to herself if she doesn’t admit she just wants to make you her “Captive”.

  2. Are you sure shes not at the bottom of the jameson? i have found many a hot woman at the bottom of jameson. Centaur can vouche for that.

  3. Centaur, I just got your comment. Wow! That’s a new record. 72-hour delayed laughter!

    But I am suprised the comment section has been so tame. You all better not be holding back. Don’t worry, I’m like ice cream, I can dish it out and take it. So it’s been a few hours from this post so I have a few more to add:

    • not at the Roundtable Pizza all-you-can-eat, critiquing the breadsticks and getting a little too excited for the dessert pizza
    • NOT in the barn
    • not every woman who acknowledges I exist
    • not in the years of guilt and shame that have piled up around me (so it’s ok that I’m getting rid of them)
    • not in the fabricated version of romance that Hollywood keeps perpetuating (unless Scarlett Johansson and I eventually tie the knot)


    After I wrote this I found the same concept at McSweeney’s written by Maya Rudolph of Saturday Night Live fame. I probably read this at some point and the idea burned itself into my subconscious. But my post was also inspired by Dr. Suess as Joe Louis deduced. It’s Thing 1 and Thing 2 going all over the house looking for the Cat in the Hat’s moss-covered three-handled family grudunza.

  4. Time to comment on the comments!

    Joe, excellent idea. The Captive Lion has many Grinch-link traits that would lend itself perfectly to illustration.

    Also… Please, if you’re going to give The Captive Lion some love advice (Cheryl), at least narrow it down a little for him…

    “The girl you were afraid to talk to in high school…”

    That could be anyone…

    And Ryan, if by “Jameson” you mean “alcohol in any form” and if by “hot” you mean “desperate and lonely” then yes, I will vouch for your declaration.

    Finally, I went and re-posted my first comment, with links added to help jog your memory. Hopefully the rest of you will get it now, better late than never. I will glady take a 72-hour laugh turnaround time any day.

  5. Wow, milfhunter.com. You need to lower your standards and go hang out at bus stops or something… maybe bowling alleys.

  6. how bout this one. not in writing this post. why not wear a sign on your head saying, “desperate,” instead of advertising it on the internet. your kind buddy, solo.

  7. No no no no, ya’ll have it wrong!! Except Cheryl, you were probably right with that one.(I know I was hoping to see him!) If your really, extremly desparate then try personal ads. Hey, you could always get a new friend if not a woman.

  8. Not in the underlying memories of all the girls you’ve dumped over the years but still nostalgically masturbate to, now that you’re 30 and alone.

    But, it’s close enough. And you save so much money that way.

  9. Did you check the pockets of all the pants you wore in the last week? Thats were I always find things I am looking for.
    If not, check the pockets of the pants you are currently wearing. You can always find something there…

  10. ‘ve checked netflix, as well.
    ‘ve checked the random knock by soliciting folks (albeit thru the half-mast blinds).
    ‘ve checked under my pillow (should my money bearing fairy leave a note of wanton rather than monies).
    ‘ve checked beneath my patience to see if one might be there…
    ‘ve checked at the laundry-o-mat.
    ‘ve checked at the xpress line.
    ‘ve checked at the self-check line.
    ‘ve tended to many and poured and washed up after and scooped up the 50cents they’ve left behind
    ‘ve tripped over their stoop.
    ‘ve checked the mailbox one too many times.
    ‘ve remained hopeful, even whilst i have found myself in a relationship, i still check, or rather keep my eye out. for i, too, have yet to find.

  11. oh. and yes. milfhunter may appease a moment or two in me… still wookin pa nub in aw da wrong pwaces. peace and good luck

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