My Precious


I am a hideous, wretched creature.

My skin is scaly. My eyes are beady. And as I type this, I’m wearing only a filthy, soiled loincloth.

In other words, I’m like every other owner of an Xbox 360. My wife found one over a month ago, and I did what anyone would do: I subsequently took my treasure to the dankest cave I could find to covet it in isolation.

This is known as the “Gollum Phase” of 360 ownership. Once you have a 360, you really don’t need friends, family, hygiene, or natural light. And unless you’re willing to completely dissociate from civilization, you could be asked to let someone else have a turn with your precious console.

It’s a pitiful existence. I subsist on insects and the flesh of people I bite trying to play with my 360. I’ve abandoned walking for skulking. And I didn’t think it was possible, but I’ve actually gotten pastier.

Sometimes I can’t help but think of my former self. People could generally tolerate my company. I had better posture. And my hair was far less stringy. My wife bought me a 360 thinking it would earn her some positive publicity on this site for once. Instead, well, she created a monster. Literally.

My wife is taking this all in stride, as with any of my annoying habits, she’s hoping it’s just a phase.

Thanks to Hepworth for another outstanding graphic.

8 thoughts on “My Precious”

  1. his body used to look like that.. 8th grade honors camp, squirt gun fight, shirts off. everybody was scared of how pasty white and skinny mcsex was. oh well, at least nobody called him the mosquito.

  2. mesquito, now there’s a blast from the past. Matt, I can actually imagine you eating insects and it doesn’t seem strange to me, huh.

  3. While i’m a big fan of the ‘Xbox 360’ diet which for me consists mainly of beer and corndogs (though typically not at the same time), i’ve found it to not have the slimming effect you might notice above. I’ve also been told that my Xbox 360 t-shirts are neither trendy or sexy..

    it can be a sad life, but not without reward.. achievement points. (If you don’t have a 360, you don’t get this joke)

  4. The xbox is the the devils workshop; your outdoor basketball court is Gods gift to mortals. Did you notice after the last snow your court was completly snow and ice free? Have you had any recent signs from heaven that your computer lifestly is evil?

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