I am a hideous, wretched creature.
My skin is scaly. My eyes are beady. And as I type this, I’m wearing only a filthy, soiled loincloth.
In other words, I’m like every other owner of an Xbox 360. My wife found one over a month ago, and I did what anyone would do: I subsequently took my treasure to the dankest cave I could find to covet it in isolation.
This is known as the “Gollum Phase” of 360 ownership. Once you have a 360, you really don’t need friends, family, hygiene, or natural light. And unless you’re willing to completely dissociate from civilization, you could be asked to let someone else have a turn with your precious console.
It’s a pitiful existence. I subsist on insects and the flesh of people I bite trying to play with my 360. I’ve abandoned walking for skulking. And I didn’t think it was possible, but I’ve actually gotten pastier.
Sometimes I can’t help but think of my former self. People could generally tolerate my company. I had better posture. And my hair was far less stringy. My wife bought me a 360 thinking it would earn her some positive publicity on this site for once. Instead, well, she created a monster. Literally.
My wife is taking this all in stride, as with any of my annoying habits, she’s hoping it’s just a phase.
Thanks to Hepworth for another outstanding graphic.