It’s typical for a baby nursery to have a changing table, which is a specially designated piece of furniture stocked with all the items needed to change a soiled baby. It’s a practical idea, and our nursery will definitely have one. When the baby needs to be changed, chaos won’t ensue. My wife will know right where to go.
But what happens when the child needs to be disciplined? What do we do? Where do we go? Where are all the necessary supplies? While we fumble around with the answers, our child would be going undisciplined in the meantime. And seeing as how I intend to run a house of discipline, this is frankly unacceptable. And thus was born the Spanking Table.
Hear me out. Put down the phone. There’s no need to call child protective services. I’m not going to spank an infant… unless I catch him smoking or stealing. The Spanking Table is merely a prototype at this point anyway. But don’t worry, by the time my son is ready for corporal punishment, the Spanking Table will be fully operational.
And I intend to use it. Spanking builds character. And I want my son to have lots of character.
So what separates a Spanking Table from an ordinary piece of plywood on top of two sawhorses? At this point, very little. However, here are some features I’ll be adding in the next production phase:
1. The Wooden Spoon Holder: Self-explanatory.
2. The Spare Belt: In the event that I’m not wearing a belt, there will always be a spare attached to the Spanking Table.
3. Cupholder: Child-rearing can leave you rather parched.
4. Docking Station for IPod: Take your music with you! Never miss your favorite song, even while spanking your child!
Finally, please understand, the Spanking Table is a humane device. By increasing spanking efficiency, it will minimize the length and stress of frequent corporal punishment. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you parent.