The Spanking Table

It’s typical for a baby nursery to have a changing table, which is a specially designated piece of furniture stocked with all the items needed to change a soiled baby. It’s a practical idea, and our nursery will definitely have one. When the baby needs to be changed, chaos won’t ensue. My wife will know right where to go.

But what happens when the child needs to be disciplined? What do we do? Where do we go? Where are all the necessary supplies? While we fumble around with the answers, our child would be going undisciplined in the meantime. And seeing as how I intend to run a house of discipline, this is frankly unacceptable. And thus was born the Spanking Table.

Hear me out. Put down the phone. There’s no need to call child protective services. I’m not going to spank an infant… unless I catch him smoking or stealing. The Spanking Table is merely a prototype at this point anyway. But don’t worry, by the time my son is ready for corporal punishment, the Spanking Table will be fully operational.

And I intend to use it. Spanking builds character. And I want my son to have lots of character.

So what separates a Spanking Table from an ordinary piece of plywood on top of two sawhorses? At this point, very little. However, here are some features I’ll be adding in the next production phase:

1. The Wooden Spoon Holder: Self-explanatory.

2. The Spare Belt: In the event that I’m not wearing a belt, there will always be a spare attached to the Spanking Table.

3. Cupholder: Child-rearing can leave you rather parched.

4. Docking Station for IPod: Take your music with you! Never miss your favorite song, even while spanking your child!

Finally, please understand, the Spanking Table is a humane device. By increasing spanking efficiency, it will minimize the length and stress of frequent corporal punishment. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you parent.

10 thoughts on “The Spanking Table”

  1. All I took from this post is that Matt thinks I’ll be doing all the diaper changing. I’d like to argue with him but I know he’s right. He used to be Danny Tanner before I moved in. He cooked, he cleaned, he ran the household. Now I do all these things while he focuses on improving his Xbox ranking. Its probably safe to say diaper changing falls under the cleaning category so it will be yet another duty added to my side of the chore list.

  2. This is a good idea. And the nice thing is that you can have your changing table, and then when Cletus the Fetus is done with the diapers you can move that one out and the spanking table in. You won’t have to make room or anything. Perfect.

    On a side note, we had to get the changing table back out a little earlier than expected. Number two just couldn’t wait and arrived two weeks ago tomorrow. Her name is Faith Arabella, and everyone is doing great. Although I’m back to getting partial nights of sleep, and that blows. But oh well…

  3. I think some items are missing fromthe concept of the table. I think that a few objects for little jr should be included.

    1. A tightly rolled towel to wipe the sweat off after the deed is done. Also this will be used to “wipe away those tears boy unless you want another round.”
    2. An old school football mouth piece to bite down on so all that expensive dental work you paid for doesn’t get damaged.
    3. A note book and pencil. This will be important to write down the list of chores and pointless maual labor that you may add on as the spank is being delivered. Lord knows that if he misses one he will be back at the table again.

    All in good fun of course. I would like to see this idea come to fruition even if it never gets used. We could patent it and call you an inventor.

  4. Congratulations Gabe on Smithee Jr. numero dos! I’m glad to hear she arrived safely.

    You know, the spanking table could probably act as a great deterrent to bad behavior without actually ever having to use it. Just the mere sight of that torture device would cause any kid to think twice before backtalking.

    And Jeannette, the best way to coerce Mr. Centaur to change a diaper or two would be to put a real dirty diaper where he’d least expect it (like on top of his XBox). This should act as a pretty good blackmail scheme.

  5. Chris,

    That is an excellent point, one I hadn’t even considered. The Spanking Table could produce just as many psychological spankings as traditional ones.

    It is clear I have much to learn from you in the realm of parenting.

  6. Good article. You know, too many people are forgetting that spanking has worked for 6,000 years. According to Max Ernst, artist who painted many famous paintings, had 1 amoung them that shows even our Savoire, Jesus Christ, was spanked as a child. If the blessed Mary saw it rite to spank Jesus, that, in my book, makes spankings ethical & surely rite.For shame to all those who look at spankings as abuse. It’s a few insane, crazed maniacs who beat to abuse that are giving spankings a bad review.

  7. This spanking table sounds like a good idea… I remember when I was a child of about 14 years old, I was caught smoking (boy was I stupid…)! My parents couldn’t decide what to do with me! I was told to wait in my room, and after dinner, my mother came into my room and told me to lay down on my bed, removing my pants and undergarments. To my suprise, she lifted up my legs and started to spank me with a hair brush. She spanked me until I cried and cried, and said that if I was ever caught smoking again, she’d make me lay down on my sisters changing table for the spanking of my life, as well as being diapered for a whole day. Strange, huh? Well, at least it worked…

  8. We all know that in the year 2008 spanking anyone under 18 years of age has become taboo and is “politically incorrect.” I am sure that many of the people reading about “The Spanking Table,” especially young people, will want to portray spanking as barbaric…even criminal, and spanking tables as modern torture devices. There is no question that many parents misuse and overuse spanking. But this fact does not mean that spanking should be made illegal in the U.S. Almost everything is abused by human beings: cars, knives, alcohol, even the human voice. Shall we make shouting at a 13 year old “a criminal offense”? Most people would say “no.” Speaking as a sociologist and as a person who was spanked as a child, I have to say that the problem is not with spanking, but with the religious, mental and intellectual developement of people who are parents. Most parents are good people and they know that spanking should not be overdone. In the hands of most parents, spanking is a rare but important parenting tool. Spanking should always be used as a last resort and only in rare circumstances… but it should be an option. The threat of a spanking is more important in parenting than the actual spanking. Needless to say, the above mentioned description of a spanking table (by the Centaur) is far from ideal. It is quite satirical. But I agree that some kind of a “spanking table” or “spanking bench” should be developed in consultation with doctors, engineers, and parents. The bench sould be sturdy, secure, practical, efficient, easy to use, relatively comfortable, and as safe as possible for the child or teenager who will be secured to it and appropriately spanked. Its design should revolutionize spanking in the 21st century. It should do to spanking what the automobile did to transportation. If designed correctly, then it will be a goldmine for the person who holds the patent. Hopefully I’ll live to see such a bench or table sold in major American department stores.

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