Internal Monologue While Cooking For One

I hate cooking for one.

Although, I don’t know if Bobby Flay would call this cooking.

I doubt a pizza boat and intermittent swigs of juice out of the carton qualifies.

It feels more like grazing or gathering, something lower on the civilization scale.

Why is it so hard to find the right portion sizes?

There should be a section for singles food next to the baby food.

It would basically be the same as the baby food just less ground up.

I should have a cooking show called Dining Alone with Pat Malone where I go by the name of Pat Malone and I just make all types of pizza boats.

Instead of wine, I would pair them with different cocktails you can only make with the gimmicky colas and “fruit” drinks that you find at the corner store. Example menu: Pat Malone’s Pepperoni Pizza Boat with ice cold Rummy D’s*.

My sign off would be classic. “That’s it and thanks for watching Dining Alone with Pat Malone. Until next time, remember don’t get too down on yourself. Things are looking up, I swear.”

Then it would fade to a black screen with next week’s menu on it. Pat Malone’s Plain Cheese Pizza Boat with Cream Soda Champagne.

*If you aren’t familiar, the recipe for a Rummy D is as follows:

Rummy D
One bottle of Captain Morgan’s rum.
One bottle of Sunny Delight original flavor or “California Style”

  1. Pour out 3/4 of the bottle of Sunny Delight.
  2. Yell out to everyone around that as the doctor at the Rummy D hospital you are proud to welcome the birth of a new litter of Rummy D’s into the world. This gets everyone excited.
  3. Now pour the whole bottle of rum into the Sunny D bottle. Remember, Sunny D already comes in gel form, so the rum, in fact, just helps with the consistency and dilutes the flavor of the D a little.
  4. Watch out! After you finish one glass, you will inevitably do something so stupid that a friend will end up pouring the whole concoction down the drain.

9 thoughts on “Internal Monologue While Cooking For One”

  1. Dear Pat,

    Love the show! Pizza boats carried me through high school, but you ought to try my Santa Fe Mac & Cheese– classic college food, not for the faint of heart:

    – 1 box of Kraft Mac & Cheese
    – Set aside Kraft cheese mix and add Tostitos Salsa Con Queso cheese dip -or- get crazy and mix the two

    Larry Toppleberry
    Topeka, Kansas

  2. This show actually sounds fantastic. I would seriously watch it just for the closing segment and the dozen or so eHarmony and 24 Hour Fitness commercials that would be featured throughout.

    Also, one suggestion: The credits need to roll over footage of Pat Malone wolfing down the pizza boat, alone, in the background… He has no need for napkins or manners. There’s no dinner conversation or pauses of any kind. Just Pat eating a pizza boat in a seat in front of the TV.

  3. Once upon a time, in a college town far far away, a friend and I spent about a month one summer experimenting with rum and Sunny D; depending on the ratios (we only managed to get as high as half and half), you will either get a buzz, or run topless through the apartment complex parking lot.

  4. Here’s another good drink concoction that Dennis and I came up with in high school…

    1 bottle jose cuervo gold
    2 cups tang dry mix
    2 32 oz cups

    pour tang in cup, fill rest of cup with tequila. oh yeah, that one will put hair on your ass. makes me puke in my mouth a little just thinking about it.

    I’ll have to try the rummy D sometime. The show sounds good and I like the idea of showing Pat Malone eating the pizza boat in silence after it is done. he should be wearing a gray sweatsuit with ass crack showing a little, like the waiter on road trip that put the french toast in his pants. pat should also fart a little while eating the pizza boat… that would be perfect.

  5. I want to know the depths you have sunk to; are you cooking the pizza boats in the oven or in the new microwave?

  6. To clarify:

    Pat Malone is not me.

    He is a fictional character.

    I have never eaten a pizza boat in my life.

    And no one in their right mind would ever drink a Rummy D.

    To elaborate:
    Let’s flesh this TV show and fictional character out a bit as I feel some have gotten on the wrong track.

    To me, there is a just a wisp of desperation in Pat’s demeanor. He’s really trying his best to hold it all together but, occasionally, he subtlely breaks. It might be the way his voice cracks when speaking for the first time in hours, the ferocity with which the mozzarella gets grated for the pizza boat, or the gleam of a tear in his eye when he signs off each episode. The closing is solemn, not disgusting. It’s isolating, not degrading.

    But yes, he eats it alone, with no manners or napkin. There is no conversation except the internal monologue running in his mind that always seems to happen when cooking for one.

  7. My internal monologue:

    There seems to be some unpleasant sensation coming from the general vicinity of my stomach.
    I will consume two spoonfuls of peanut butter and this can of green beans.
    Problem solved.

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