A Typical Weekend With The In-Laws

Fellow Zillionaires, I have wanted to write a post for sometime now. This last weekend I had an experience worthy of telling. The story gains some street cred with the following information: When I first met my mother-in-law five years ago I sent a Death Star-size piece of bubblegum into her hair. The gum then had to remain there for three hours while we crossed the Canadian/US border. Since that day I have given my wife’s parents endless reasons to banish me from the family. Well I finally topped that experience. Before my story begins know this, in five months my wife and I will be moving to Washington and living with her folks for a while. Keeping that in mind, this is how it went down…

My wife recently finished her Master’s degree at Cal State San Bernardino University and her parents flew down for the occasion. The traffic was barbeque bad on the way to the airport (so bad that you can get out of the car and BBQ a burger before you need to pull one inch forward). They flew into John Wayne airport in Orange County. If you have spent any minutes of misery watching the terrible show “The OC” you have seen exactly what this place is like. I hate it and everyone in it. Anyway, after the Chinese water torture of a drive, we arrive almost on time.

The trip was scheduled for four days. I expected a certain amount of luggage to come along with them, but damn. They arrive with enough suitcases to shelter a village of Smurfs. I mean, I drive a Subaru wagon and they completely filled the back. I couldn’t even see out the back. Any of you that have ridden with me know that I need zero help in being a bad driver. So with the back loaded down and the added pressure of my in-laws riding along, I proceed to nearly kill us six times. One time included a hard enough skid that a suitcase flew up and hit my mother in-law in the head.

So my wife decided that we would spend the first couple of days at her mountain house. Well, I was so stressed-out driving that I didn’t see the gaslight come on. MR stop nodding your head like you know exactly what is going to happen. Anyway, about two miles from anything we run out of gas. It just so happened that the car stopped on a blind corner on the busiest street in the mountains of So Cal. As we dodged speeding cars like Frogger I sent my wife away to the house with her parents. Of course she saw a chance for me to have a moment’s peace and naturally did her wifely duties and sent her father with me. He spent the entire walk to the gas station telling me how this has never actually happened to anyone he knows. So my mother in-law, who just arrived from traveling since three in the morning has been hit in the head and now has to hike uphill two miles to the house. Gaylord Focker has nothing on me. At this point I’m asking god to strike me dead.

I’m feeling pretty much like I’m living a National Lampoons movie. Lucky me I get to go spend the next two days up at lake Arrowhead in a cabin with them. So picture the house from the Shining but about three bedrooms in size. It had a hot tub out on the deck so I retreated to it for some peace. Soon the whole gang followed me in to the tub. No subject is more taboo with parents than sex. Apparently, my mother-in-law did not get that memo. As soon as they are in the tub, she begins to share with me that the house is perfect for getting it on. I tried to be polite but when she began to tell me that she hoped we would not hear the headboard banging on the wall that was it. I started looking for the hidden cameras. Exit stage left for Krusty, I mean come on.

Also, I managed to get drunk one night and crush her dad at pool while doing the Krusty stumbling-drunk-weave. The last great achievement of the weekend was on the next day. We missed the flight taking them home because I stopped to eat. This meant that her parents had to spend about half a day in the airport waiting for the next flight, (and yes, I just left them).

Over all it was a fantastic weekend. Yes, that is right. This was actually a good one (imagine the really bad). I hope all of you can now further appreciate the relationship you have with your in-laws. I felt this was an experience I had to share with everyone. I hope no one has had a similar experience, but if you have cough it up.

Krusty (Clark Griswold)

9 thoughts on “A Typical Weekend With The In-Laws”

  1. Wow Krust. The whole time I was reading that I was waiting for you to say ‘…and then Aston jumped out of the bushes and yelled you got punked!’ Nice work.

  2. although i don’t think i’ve reached that level of hell, i am actually in cali right now visiting my girlfriends parents. however, they’ve been divorced for a long time so i have to meet each one separately. We walked into her fathers house and all i see are little statues of people having sex. in fact, everything in his house had objects of sex. then he showed me his pencil collection. literally, PENCILS. and out of 7 hours of drinking wine and hanging out, i heard him say 10 words total. this seems like nothing compared to your weekend. nice story krusty, i’m OTFLMAO!

  3. While I wasn’t there to witness any of this firsthand, I can assure you, from personal experience, that none of the above was fabricated or embellished in any way. What you have read is pure Krusty…

    Interactions with my in-laws are a bit different. The only difficulty in our relationship is that they simply don’t know how to react to my antics half the time. Since I’ve done this dozens of times, you would think they’d be used to me holding a live, writhing crab against my face and performing scenes from the movie Predator… But instead of laughter, I still find them exchanging nervous glances between them.

    Fortunately, after a few years of knowing me, they’ve begun to accept the fact that I like to wear head-to-toe camo whenever I find myself in the outdoors for any period greater than 45 minutes in length…
    And that I manage to obtain a violent sunburn at almost every family gathering…
    And that I poke fun at my wife almost weekly on this website…
    And that I tote around a 14-inch Rambo knife on family camping trips… And that I hide their dog’s chew toys or throw them in tree branches or other places he can’t possibly retrieve them from…

    Despite the list above, I’m still golden. So thank you Krusty… For it is because of your high jinks, that lackluster sons-in-law across the country actually look pretty damn unreal in comparison…

  4. Krusty, I really can’t comprehend a bad outing with the in-laws because mine are so great. I get along as good if not better with my in-laws (soon to be) than with my own parents. Guess I’m just lucky. Thanks for sharing though, I can live the classic in-law moments through you now. Hopefully you’ll have another good in-law story next time we talk.

  5. Okay, my parents aren’t nearly that bad. They were fairly good humored when they had to push the car a mile up that big hill. And, at least their headboard is still banging against the wall, if you know what I mean. It gives us hope (and something to look forward to). Now that you’re a parent yourself (to the hamsters), you should know what being neurotically overprotective is like… just picture my mom as a hamster owner (me being the adorable hamster of course). Wait, that didn’t come out right. Anyway, they love me and want the best for me, and you almost live up to their high standards. That’s pretty good (and maybe the best you can hope for).

  6. I always read tales of in-law troubles with a certain detachment. Having so little experience with same. My father-in-law died less than a year after I married my wife and we only saw the mother-in-law on two occasions since 1970. The first was for a month (that’s right, a month) in Korea in 1975 and then here in E’Burg in 1983. She was 70 years old, spoke no English and had seemingly shrunk in stature by then. She was probably 4′ 9″ but towered over her sister-in-law who came with her. I remember only a few things about that visit. The day after her arrival I looked out in the back yard and noticed that she had climbed one of the trees and was hacking away at the branches with a hand saw. I think you would call that a hint that I was behind on my pruning duties.

    The only other thing I remember well was that, despite her inability to understand the English language, she fell in love with one particular program then running on television–Three’s Company. Apparently John Ritter and Suzanne Summers are much funnier when you can’t understand what they are saying. It never occurred to me that turning off the sound would have worked wonders.

    Krusty’s mention of the luggage hitting the back of his mother-in-law’s head was kind of creepy. I was watching the Discovery Channel the other night and there was a story concerning the famous movie cowboy Tom Mix. He was killed when he ran into a ditch in his 1937 Cord and was struck in the back of the head by a suitcase. So, Krusty, it could have been worse.

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