The Birthing Coach

Having completed three minutes of squat thrusts, I blow the whistle around my neck signaling to my wife that it’s time for her to change stations.

She dutifully proceeds to the next station, where she is to perform 100 reps of Kegel exercises. I monitor her activities, but truthfully, this is one exercise where I can’t tell if she’s actually doing anything. Nevertheless, I offer encouragement through the usual workout clich├ęs…

Me: “Feel the burn!!”

Me: “That’s it. Push yourself!”

Me: “Ok, ten more reps… on my count: 1… 2… 3…”

And so on. This is how we spend our evenings, in intense physical training. You see, I am the birthing coach, and I’m transforming my wife into a birthing prizefighter.

At first I was unsure of my role. Once I agreed to become a coach, I immediately scheduled open tryouts so that I could handpick the members of my birthing roster. We had a weeklong tryout and evaluation period. Regrettably, I had to cut a few players, but I encouraged them to work hard, and to tryout for the team again next year.

Sadly, the team wasn’t together for long. As I was preparing my playbook prior to our first practice, I did a little research, and I found out that “birthing” isn’t a team sport. Go figure. This was good news for my wife, as she was going to have a tough time cracking the starting lineup. Now, she’s the star player of my team.

It worked out well. True, with a one-man roster it makes it impossible to hold a decent scrimmage. Instead, we focus on running crisp drills, putting in solid workouts, and perfecting our offense. That’s right… I tend to focus on offense more than defense. I do try to run intense practice sessions, but I simply don’t have the requisite fire to stress defense. I’d probably have to transform myself into the Bobby Knight of birthing coaches to pull it off, and the last thing my wife needs is for me to hurl a chair across the delivery room.

Anyway, I need to get back to my wife’s workout. I noticed that she slacked a little bit on that last station with the medicine ball. We both know what that means: She just bought herself a second round of wind sprints at the end of practice.

3 thoughts on “The Birthing Coach”

  1. This post was inspired by our first birthing class last week. We also learned that the coach is supposed to help the student relax by talking soothingly and giving her massages. I wish my coach was listening during that part of class. Our evenings would be a lot less stressful.

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