You’ve Got The Wrong Number

I snapped last night. It was almost 10 pm, and this was the third telephone call interrupting the Gonzaga game.

Me: “Look, I’m sorry. You’ve got the wrong number. I’m not your grandson. You need to stop calling this number. It’s late.”

Old lady (kind, but obviously senile): “Well, do you have his number? How do I get the right number?”

Me (resisting the urge to suggest she use the Internet): “I don’t know your grandson’s phone number. Call directory assistance. Just don’t call this number any more. Ok? Good luck.”

And I hung up at that point. This was probably about the seventh time in four days this lady has called me, introducing herself as “Grandma” and not believing me when I tell her that I’m not her grandson. We’ve gone through this exchange seven times. I was polite and courteous the first six calls, but last night was the breaking point.

Hopefully she’s moved onto the next name in the phone book. Still, I feel bad. Maybe I should try and help reunite her with her grandson, using my considerable resources of Internet access and functioning mental faculties. It would certainly look sharp on my good-deed resume. I might actually consider this when she calls back.

It’s a Man!!!

I’m pleased to announce the results of our ultrasound today with this snapshot capturing the baby’s genitalia.


Clearly, it’s a man. Look at that sniper rifle! I can’t even begin to express my relief right now. And for the record, this is the first of many nude photos of my son that will be taken and invariably pulled out in front of his prom date 18 years from now.

Here’s one other pic with a more tasteful look at little Lando Calrissian.


There’s no need to schedule a sex change operation after the delivery. We’re having a boy, an heir to the Zillionaire Empire… and I couldn’t be happier. The next step is settling on a name, so please continue sending in your suggestions!

Naming A Future Zillionaire

As you know, my wife is pregnant. And so far, the baby growing inside of her is simply referred to as Cletus… as in, “Cletus the Fetus.” However, that is about to change. We have an ultrasound appointment today, which will hopefully render the sex, thus allowing us to begin the naming process… also known as, “The Impending Four-Month Argument.”

For starters, here are some names I’ve come up with for a girl:

Warrior Princess: It’s powerful, yet feminine.

Actually, that is the only name I’ve come up with for a girl. Hopefully this is as far as the discussion goes. Of course, I’ve got a whole bunch of names lined up for a boy:

Tundra: Truck names, like “Dakota”, have become popular recently, as they are masculine and rugged. Other options along this line: Titan, Ranger, Silverado, and F-150.

Dude: I figure, if he has friends like mine, this is what he’ll respond to anyway.

Thomas Magnum: The first name “Thomas” is classy. The middle name of “Magnum” adds a touch of “ladies man private investigator” to it. Of course, my son would have to grow one helluva mustache to justify such a name. I would hate to put that kind of pressure on a kid.

Cash Money: Think of what a cocky jackass he would grow up to be with a name like this. It might be worth it though to give him the ability to introduce himself with a line like this: “They call me Cash Money. Allow me to show you why.”

Jack McSex: First name Jack, middle name McSex. I figure, if it’s good enough for my Gamertag, it’s certainly good enough for my first-born.

The Centaur, Jr: I don’t know, it might be confusing around the house if we both had the same name. Also, I want my son to create his own path, and not feel obligated to follow in his father’s footsteps. If he decides on his own to become a giant horse’s ass one day, then I will be truly honored.

And of course, my personal favorite:

Lando Calrissian: He’s known throughout the galaxy as the suavest man in space. I can’t imagine a more perfect name. Truthfully, I’m almost not even joking anymore. I’m actually going to seriously lobby for this one. Of course, my wife hates this name, which means we’ll have to compromise on a name like “Bobba Fett” instead.

Anyway, I’ll update everyone with the results as soon as possible. In the meantime, send me your suggestions! Needless to say, it’s going to be very tough to choose from a list like this.