November 16th, 2005

I am a Sniper

by The Centaur

One shot, one baby. That’s my motto.

My wife is pregnant, and it happened on her first cycle after going off the pill. That’s right, I am a sniper… in a baby-making sense.

I am about to divulge some personal information that I’m sure my wife would prefer I keep classified. It involves a covert operation, where I went deep undercover. When the time came for action, I didn’t have to think. My training took over.

My target was identified. I carefully lined her up in my sights, and took her down easy with a single shot. Nice and clean. The mark of a professional…

And a child was conceived. Mission Accomplished. And there’s nothing premature about this declaration.

Some people may question the sniper method, by saying “the fun is in trying to conceive.” Sounds like loser-talk to me. I’m simply incapable of finding fun in repeated failure.

That’s the kind of man I am. I get the job done. And it’s done discreetly (with the exception of a few posts on the Internet.) Even my wife’s doctor was impressed. Believe me, I took full credit for all of this. This is one sniper rifle that is not shooting blanks.

Author’s note: All puns in the above post were intended. Thank you. That is all.

16 Responses to “I am a Sniper”

Jeannette
11/17/2005

Mom, if you’re reading this, he’s joking. Our child was conceived by immaculate conception. Anyone else reading this who’s thinking he went too far this time…well you’re right. However, you should have seen the unedited version, this is the toned down copy.

Ryan
11/17/2005

Too far? I think he went just far enough. Take pride in your work, right?

Kyle
11/17/2005

The real fun is watching the AdSense ads on this entry.

Sniper rifle for the new kid? What better present could you possibly get?

Bailes
11/17/2005

Nice work peewee… nothing wrong with telling it how it is.

Panda
11/17/2005

As the brother of “the target” I was at first disgusted by this post, but then I thought heck we are all adults. So I thought I would take it to the Centaurs level. I am not a sniper, those that have played halo with me will agree. I have no plans of hitting my target anytime soon. While some day I may need to actually hit a target, for now I am happy just going down to the range and shootin off a few clips. After all practice makes perfect.

jon solo
11/17/2005

the real question is…did you double-click in on the snipe, or no scope it?

A proud Aunt-to-be
11/17/2005

Okay then, that was wayyyyy too much information for me. Thanks for implanting that image into my brain!

Ryan
11/17/2005

The real question one must ask himself when deciding if he wants to be a sniper:

Shoot at the enemy.
Or
Friendly fire.

I, for one, am not at the point where I want to fire on the opposing team (not prepared for the consequences).

Danielle
11/17/2005

I like how you gave yourself a few posts between the official announcement and this one…when I know (as we all do) this is what you’ve wanted to write from the minute you knew. Nice work! Jeannette’s delay tactics almost worked.

The Captive Lion
11/17/2005

So you’re packing a sniper rifle, huh? I’ll stick to my squirt gun, thank you.

Scrivs
11/17/2005

If Planned Parenthood ever needed a blog entry to promote this one would be it. For some reason most guys like to think they can shoot blanks until the time is right. Russian Roulette is fun till you get the bullet.

George
11/18/2005

Wow, man I’m in stitches here. How awesome. Site = bookmarked. :D

Chris
11/18/2005

Congrats, man. Nice shootin’, too :)

Hey, kudos to your girl, too, for bein so darn easy!

Booth
11/18/2005

Jeanette, I’m sure you enjoy Matt’s implication that you’re “easy.” Just know we’re all praying for your child.

The Centaur
11/18/2005

I think some of you missed the point here…

The only insinuation I made is that I’m incredibly virile.

krusty
11/19/2005

OH MR I am loving this. Poor jnet, she has no chance of getting any privacy ever again. I love it. I think the level of virility is still in question untill we find out if it was a fluke. We all know that any punk 15 yr old can get a lucky snipe once. The test is consistancy. Now if you can hit a baby with every sexual act from here on out. Then I would sign up for the Centaur fan club. Hey MR can I get that picture.

Also to any zillionaires that don’t know, team Krusty will be back in Washington in three weeks. Looking forward to seeing everyone. MR I want to come out to spokane on the 31st. Let me know if that’s cool.

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