Fetus in the Oven

You read that correctly: My wife has a fetus in her oven, and there’s a good chance that I’m the father.

This is truly a cause for celebration, as the Zillionaire bloodlines will live on without the use of cryogenics or human cloning. Thankfully, this means that I can finally clean out the makeshift sperm bank I created in our freezer.

On a less-disgusting note, I’ve provided some answers to FAQ’s regarding the latest addition to the Zillionaire clan:

When is the baby due?

May 25th, which officially downgrades the status of the Annual Memorial Day weekend camping trip to “Doubtful” from “Probable.” Or, for those using our color-coded alert system… we’ve gone from yellow to orange.

Do you know the sex yet?

Not yet. Hopefully we’ll know by December. I’m really hoping for a boy. Since we all know that God reads Internet Zillionaire, that statement guarantees we’ll have all-female septuplets.

Any ideas for names yet?

As if you needed a reason to justify a name like this, but try Googling the phrase “Suavest Man in Space.” I think you’ll understand why the name Lando Calrissian Ring is at the forefront thus far.

How is your wife doing?

That’s a good question. As soon as she comes inside from splitting firewood and tarring the roof, I’ll ask her.

Are there any perks to having a pregnant wife?

People can no longer call me impotent. Mercifully, I think this pregnancy officially ends all debate.

How quickly were you able to conceive?

That’s a little personal. Which means, I’m devoting an entire post to this topic. Seriously, look for it in about a month…

Was there any anxiety before starting a family?

On my wife’s part? None. I of course, had to overcome my fear of having sympathy pains.

Do you have a Halloween costume in mind for the fetus?

No. I need to get on that… Maybe a pirate? Arggh matey!

How is the news being received?

Everyone is excited. And let me say, this fetus is already spoiled. He’s already received booties, books, rattles… It wouldn’t surprise me if he gets an XBox 360 before me.

Finally, to all of our friends of childbearing age: Please, everyone, get a procreatin’. Little Lando will need some friends just like the ones we’ve got.

11 thoughts on “Fetus in the Oven”

  1. Congrats! That is very exciting news! Hopefully you won’t be scorned by all the solo expectant mothers when you go to the Dr. with JR like Kiichle! Fatherhood is like nothing else man, you’ll even learn to cut back on your XBox time and not mind. It definitely complicates life a bit, but it’s totally worth it. Congrats again, “Dad”!

    On a side note, we have #2 on the way. Another girl, due February 28th. So little Lando will have a friend his age, about 1500 miles away. I can also promise you there will be no funny business. I’m honing my skills as an Ultimate Fighting Champion for 13 or 14 years down the road when my girls start bringing boys home. If I kill the first (or at least maim him badly) then maybe the word will spread to leave the Smith girls alone…

    Congrats Rings! Exciting news for sure! Keep us in the loop.

  2. Mr. Ring, I believe it needs to be noted that I won this race, considering Kerri is due April 25, a month ahead of J’net. Plus you get a month advance on learning from all the mistakes I make.

  3. There seems to be a lot of fertility floating around Zillionaireland. Interesting…

    Congrats to you too Booth! But if it’s a race then I whooped all your asses! Twice! How do you like them apples?

    Who’s next, Krusty? Bailes?

  4. Well, for the time being I’m just working on getting married. Who knows when kids will come into the mix. Congrats matt, booth, and gabe. Good to hear that people that I like are procreating, and not just dumb shits.

  5. “Fetus in the Oven” is such an endearing, sweet, delicate name. You have such a way with words. I’m so encouraged when eloquent (grahic) young folks decide to reproduce (spawn). I am ecstatic (relieved) that Jeanette will have influence when it’s time to choose the post-birth name. :)

  6. Conratulations to the rings again. I want to say thank you to Matt for giving me this information earlier than everyone else. It has given me plenty of time to decide if I approve of this birth or not. For starters way to go Booth I knew you could do it. Gabe you are going to be the only man in a house full of estrogen. I’m sorry (but congrats). Now on to the matty fetus Jr. I think that the this pregnancy shouuld solidify the annual camping trip. I hope that I am correctly assuming that the child will be born up in Reeccer creek. I can picture it now, all of the Zillionzires there cheering and chanting j’net over and over while dumping gaterade buckets of beer over MR’s head. If this isn’t the best excuse for a kingdome style bleacher set up includeing the wave, I don’t know what is. I fully expect to be invited to every step of the process. And I would like to offer up Maleah as a lamaze partner for j’net. Think about it this would free you up to go to the bar and endlessly pass out cheep cigars to every stranger you meet. I have no doubt that you have allready purchased a couple of ton of it’s a boy cigars. Anyway I will go on record saying that I will beat Bailes and my sister to the next punch. Krusty jr on the way stay tuned.

  7. I sure hope some of the recessive mutant genes show up for Fetus Ring (that’s such a nice sounding name), such as:
    7 foot height
    handsome
    funny
    kind
    helpful
    good writer
    These traits have been missing for 2 generations.

  8. Good work gentlemen. I’m glad to see that Operation: Get Bizzay is proving successful.

    Little Lando Calrissian Ring will be in good company.

  9. Congratulations Matt, Booth, and Gabe! Three zillionaire babies in the space of a few months – wow! I don’t know where you all went for your summer vacations this year, but I’m guessing you all enjoyed yourselves :)

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