You read that correctly: My wife has a fetus in her oven, and there’s a good chance that I’m the father.
This is truly a cause for celebration, as the Zillionaire bloodlines will live on without the use of cryogenics or human cloning. Thankfully, this means that I can finally clean out the makeshift sperm bank I created in our freezer.
On a less-disgusting note, I’ve provided some answers to FAQâ€™s regarding the latest addition to the Zillionaire clan:
When is the baby due?
May 25th, which officially downgrades the status of the Annual Memorial Day weekend camping trip to â€œDoubtfulâ€ from â€œProbable.â€ Or, for those using our color-coded alert systemâ€¦ weâ€™ve gone from yellow to orange.
Do you know the sex yet?
Not yet. Hopefully weâ€™ll know by December. Iâ€™m really hoping for a boy. Since we all know that God reads Internet Zillionaire, that statement guarantees weâ€™ll have all-female septuplets.
Any ideas for names yet?
As if you needed a reason to justify a name like this, but try Googling the phrase â€œSuavest Man in Space.â€ I think youâ€™ll understand why the name Lando Calrissian Ring is at the forefront thus far.
How is your wife doing?
Thatâ€™s a good question. As soon as she comes inside from splitting firewood and tarring the roof, Iâ€™ll ask her.
Are there any perks to having a pregnant wife?
People can no longer call me impotent. Mercifully, I think this pregnancy officially ends all debate.
How quickly were you able to conceive?
That’s a little personal. Which means, I’m devoting an entire post to this topic. Seriously, look for it in about a month…
Was there any anxiety before starting a family?
On my wife’s part? None. I of course, had to overcome my fear of having sympathy pains.
Do you have a Halloween costume in mind for the fetus?
No. I need to get on thatâ€¦ Maybe a pirate? Arggh matey!
How is the news being received?
Everyone is excited. And let me say, this fetus is already spoiled. Heâ€™s already received booties, books, rattlesâ€¦ It wouldn’t surprise me if he gets an XBox 360 before me.
Finally, to all of our friends of childbearing age: Please, everyone, get a procreatinâ€™. Little Lando will need some friends just like the ones we’ve got.