You read that correctly: My wife has a fetus in her oven, and there’s a good chance that I’m the father.
This is truly a cause for celebration, as the Zillionaire bloodlines will live on without the use of cryogenics or human cloning. Thankfully, this means that I can finally clean out the makeshift sperm bank I created in our freezer.
On a less-disgusting note, I’ve provided some answers to FAQ’s regarding the latest addition to the Zillionaire clan:
When is the baby due?
May 25th, which officially downgrades the status of the Annual Memorial Day weekend camping trip to “Doubtful” from “Probable.” Or, for those using our color-coded alert system… we’ve gone from yellow to orange.
Do you know the sex yet?
Not yet. Hopefully we’ll know by December. I’m really hoping for a boy. Since we all know that God reads Internet Zillionaire, that statement guarantees we’ll have all-female septuplets.
Any ideas for names yet?
As if you needed a reason to justify a name like this, but try Googling the phrase “Suavest Man in Space.” I think you’ll understand why the name Lando Calrissian Ring is at the forefront thus far.
How is your wife doing?
That’s a good question. As soon as she comes inside from splitting firewood and tarring the roof, I’ll ask her.
Are there any perks to having a pregnant wife?
People can no longer call me impotent. Mercifully, I think this pregnancy officially ends all debate.
How quickly were you able to conceive?
That’s a little personal. Which means, I’m devoting an entire post to this topic. Seriously, look for it in about a month…
Was there any anxiety before starting a family?
On my wife’s part? None. I of course, had to overcome my fear of having sympathy pains.
Do you have a Halloween costume in mind for the fetus?
No. I need to get on that… Maybe a pirate? Arggh matey!
How is the news being received?
Everyone is excited. And let me say, this fetus is already spoiled. He’s already received booties, books, rattles… It wouldn’t surprise me if he gets an XBox 360 before me.
Finally, to all of our friends of childbearing age: Please, everyone, get a procreatin’. Little Lando will need some friends just like the ones we’ve got.