State of the Union

Here’s a letter I sent to the President with a last-minute suggestion for tonight’s State of the Union address.

Mr. President:

I know this address is meant to inspire the nation. I’m sure you’re going to talk about plans like putting a man on Mars in ten years or improving literacy over the next decade. Great. Fantastic. I’m almost inspired enough to not change the channel.

Here’s another idea: I’m 28 years old. In ten years, as part of a middle-aged man’s routine health care, there’s a good chance I’ll be going to the doctor for my first proctological exam. I beg of you, let’s put our national resources towards fixing this situation.

I figure I’ve got ten years, maybe fifteen tops. Truthfully, I’m not exactly circling the date on my calendar. But I know it’s coming. And this issue concerns me more than deficits or terrorists.

Keep in mind, I’m not asking you to actually cure prostate cancer. Just remove the use of proctology to detect it. You should have America’s best scientists inventing some kind of prostate cancer Breathalyzer test.

I understand how fortunate I am. With the invention of Viagra a few years back, my second biggest potential health crisis has already been averted. That one was hanging over me in about 40 years. I’m glad it was taken care of early though, there’s no sense putting it off.

So now, it’s just a proctological exam I’m worried about. Simply put, we need this issue to come to the forefront of American politics. Imagine if a candidate ran solely on the election platform of removing the threat of a proctological exam from a generation of young men. It would be a landslide election.

I need your help. The nation needs your help. We need some true leadership. I know the proctology lobby is powerful in Washington. If you walk to the podium tonight and pledge the nation’s resources to eradicating anal examinations, history will judge your presidency kindly. Think about it.

P.S. One final tip, when you begin the address, maybe apologize to viewers that the usual sitcoms normally on at this time are being pre-empted for your speech. I always hated that growing up.

Thank you for your consideration,
The Centaur

10 thoughts on “State of the Union”

  1. Oh, Matt. I and many, many, many women feel so badly for your plight, one we know so very little of. What it must be like to have to face something so daunting and painful 15 yrs. down the road – do you think you’ll have to have it once a year after that? Or is it a frightening rumor? I can’t even imagine…women certainly do carry the lucky stick in this realm of of physiology. And in case the sarcasm isn’t ridiculously obvious, maybe you should talk to your wife for clarification. :)

  2. I like to think this whole post was written as a mockery of how unfair women have it compared to men. The Centaur is dreading 1 awkward doctors appointment 15 years down the road. Women get the pleasure of experiencing the awkwardness annually, starting at just age 18. I’m pretty sure the Centaur is going to bring his wife flowers tonight and tell her how much he appreciates what she goes through every year to stay healthy, and in 15 years I’m sure she’ll do the same for him.

  3. New on NBC, exclusive preview of this year’s funniest sitcom– The George Bush Show. Tonight 9/8 central.

  4. Basically a prostate/cervical cancer breathalyzer test will solve many of the problems for both genders. Centaur, you can amend your text a little to include that piece and satisfy both halves of the population. Geesh!

  5. Centaur, I have great news for you. I can perform this test for you! I am dead serious just stop by, we have all the equipment and can get you in and out in 15 minutes. We even have a coupon for $5 off. If thats not enough, JR can even get her grocery shopping done while you wait. And lucky for us this can be done with a simple finger stick blood test. You can have the result in 7-10 business days. Or, we could do it the old fashioned way…

  6. Before I cast my vote to see this President sidetracked with your anal retentiveness, I think there should be an exhaustive debate in both Houses. Yes, that’s both the House of Representatives and ABC’s Extreme Makeover House.

    Of course, as an United States citizen, I would hope that the debate wouldn’t veer off course as they usually do and, instead, it would zero in and focus clearly on the issue at hand which is, undeniably, tinkering around in someone’s a-hole.

    p.s. Asking the Centaur to consider anyone but himself when thinking of matters of national public policy is like walking by those kiosks in the middle of the mall and thinking, “Wow, I really need that brittle foam airplane that can do a loop when I throw it” and then you buy it and take it home without realizing it needs 50 foot high ceilings to even successfully complete the loop-de-loop but you decide to throw it anyway (and hard) because you just spent 20 bucks on the damn thing, so you throw it and what do you know, it breaks on the first toss. This metaphor brought to you by the phrase Read Between the Lines.

  7. Panda,
    Is this true? Why are people still getting examined proctologically? Are they just Old School and trying to keep it real?

    And Captive Lion, yes, I do ask not what I can do for my country, but what my country can do for me.

  8. Don’t let Panda discourage you in your mission Centaur. I, for one, can’t wait for Part II and III in this series.

    After all, the President needs to get off the fence on the national roboticized lawn-mowing initiative you and your fellow male Cul-de-Sac’ers have proposed.

    And I think you could gather a tremendous amount of bipartisan support behind the effort to legalize leaving the toilet seat up.

    But not all your ideas have wings. Good luck finding a candidate to adopt your plan to raise all male babies in concentration camps where they are fed a strict steriod only diet, required to do 4000 situps every day starting from conception, and are only taught one language, Rambonics (the unique, almost human dialect spoken by Sylvester Stallone in the Rambo trilogy).

  9. Panda- let me refer to you the Centaur’s earlier post entitled ‘I Hate Needles’…good try but the finger prick freaks him out just as much as the proctological exam…

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