How To Beat the Seahawks

I’ve been a Seahawks fan for 20 years. I’ve been unabashedly on their bandwagon all season. They’re playing the most important game in franchise history at home this weekend. All of this means one thing: I have a strong sense of impending doom right now.

I’m sure you’ve heard this one before, but allow me to share a very old joke that is part of Seahawks lore:

The police respond to a case of child abuse. Clearly, the boy needed to be removed from the home, as he had been badly beaten. The policeman asked the child where he wanted to live, and the boy said, “I want to live with the Seahawks, ’cause they don’t beat anybody!”

I admit it’s not very funny. It’s hard to find humor in child abuse. But, it’s a true story. You see; I was that abused boy, sent to live with the Seahawks 20 years ago.

And I know how the Seahawks operate. In the interest of fairness, I thought I would offer the Panthers some tips on how to avoid a beating:

Don’t Keep the Score Close: This was the Redskins’ first mistake. If you want to beat the Seahawks, you need to let them have a lead of about eight touchdowns with three minutes to play. Once it becomes clear that it will take the greatest comeback in NFL history to win the game, that’s when the wheels will invariably come off for the Seahawks.

Avoid Key Injuries: I’m not referring to your roster. I’m talking about the Seahawks roster. If you injure a Seahawks starter, be prepared for one of our backups to come in that is unaccustomed to choking in a big game.

Challenge Every Call: No matter how obvious the ruling on the field, there is always an official willing to invent a reason why the play should be overturned to go against the Seahawks. Sure, the referees will make the “challenge” appear to look authentic. The official will go in the little video booth for a minute or two, and emerge to say, “After reviewing the play, the Seahawk player clearly double-dribbled. The touchdown is overruled, and the Panthers will shoot two free-throws.” Seriously, if I were the Panthers, I’d even challenge the coin flip.

So this is it. If the Seahawks win on Sunday it will easily be my greatest thrill as a sports fan. I hope this post appeases the Football Gods to reverse-jinxing the inevitable Seahawk debacle. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go paint a Seahawks logo on my chest. Gotta support the team!

38 thoughts on “How To Beat the Seahawks”

  1. Funny, I was painting an S on my bare chest right now in order to get it right for the game on Sunday. Friend and foe Ryan will be there at the game cheering for the lot of us for sure!

  2. I’m in a bizarre quandary I never ever imagined happening. I’ve always assumed that if the Hawks were in the playoffs, I’d be rooting for them. This is because I grew up with the Seahawks, and the Seahawks so rarely perform well in the playoffs that even if later in life I started rooting for another team, the chances that they’d ever play the Seahawks would be essentially nil.

    But now, having lived for 11 years in North Carolina, and rooting for the Panthers all that time, I find myself facing that situation. Seahawks? Panthers? I guess mainly I’m hoping Krieg doesn’t fumble and Herrera manages to toss Zorn a TD pass.

  3. Dave,

    Give this some thought:

    Seahawks playoff victories come along once every 20 years or so. It’s the Haley’s comet of the NFL.

    Sadly, my son will be born in May, and he will have to wait until 2026 to see another such occurrence.

    Don’t squander an opportunity like this! Most people will only see 2, maybe 3, Seahawks playoff victories in their lifetime.

  4. Please understand my quandry. I have to sit in the press box on Sunday and try to be completely detached, emotionally, from the events happening on the field.

    That’s pretty damn tough when you actually remember the last time the Seahawks were in this position and have a #28 Curt Warner jersey burried in a stack of old kids clothes.

    Ok, so many would give their first born to be in my spot, getting to go in the locker rooms afterward, talk to the players and write about it. But hey, even if they win I don’t get to go to Detroit.

  5. Booth, that is excellent. I’m glad someone was man enough to go on the record.

    Here’s mine:

    Seahawks 24, Panthers 18.

  6. My masculinity is being questioned. I pause, lower my head in silence, and begin to look within. I am forced to ask myself the hard question. Am I man enough to go on the record?

    I am proud to say I found my inner man. Yes, it’s true he was quivering and hiding under the bed. But I pulled his pathetic little ass out from under there, smacked some sense into him, and threw him into a cold shower to sober him up. (I’ve seen that work in movies.) He was so tired from the whole experience that he went straight to bed after that. Not even dessert, can you believe the nerve of that man!

    This morning he awoke fresh as a daisy. He was singing, laughing, swooshing about the house fit as a fiddle. He tells me we’re going to Paris in the spring and it will be beautiful. And what’s the occassion you ask? We’ll be celebrating the Seahawks victory of course, over the Carolina Panthers in Sundays matchup:

    Seahawks 17, Panthers 14.

    Thanks for the tip, Inner Man. And the roses… you shouldn’t have, really… I don’t even have a vase to put them in!

  7. Here we are a half hour from game time…

    I’m sure you’ve seen the commercials, but there was one person at the heart of every one of the greatest NFL plays of all time. Simply put, he is the best player in NFL history.

    I seriously hope the Burger King shows up and makes an unreal play for the Seahawks.

  8. I’m watching the game with my buddy Hepworth:

    Here’s his pregame observation:

    “Matt Hasslebeck is the only quarterback on earth that can wear a hat and look like he’s 24, and then remove that hat and look like he’s 42.”

  9. Alexander just missed getting the first down twice, on second and one and third and one.

    I wish we could hand off to the Burger King.

  10. Touchdown!!!

    That’s right, three exclamation points.

    Hepworth:

    “No interception!!!!”

    These are the kinds of things you root for as a Seahawks fan.

  11. First quarter just ended. Along with my fifth beer. (I started during the AFC game.)

    I can’t believe they’re up 10-0. And they’re on the verge of scoring again.

    Seriously. Regardless of the outcome of the game, this moment right now makes up for all the lackluster Dan McGwire, Rik Mirer, and Stan Gelbaugh moments of the last 20 years.

  12. 17-0

    Unreal. Just so you know, the Seahawks going to the Superbowl is the first sign of the apocalypse.

    Locusts, seas boiling, moon turning blood red, plagues, droughts and famine… I’m prepared for all of this at this point.

  13. As I said:

    The officials will invent a reason to have a call go against the Seahawks.

    Let’s pick up a flag against the Panthers that otherwise would negate a touchdown. Standard.

  14. FYI:

    My wife just brought down a plate of wings. I’m not going to risk getting wing sauce on my keyboard, so the commentary will temporarily be suspended.

  15. Jerramy Stevens is unreal. Another clutch reception. I’d seriously rather have him on the team than the Diet Pepsi machine.

  16. Alright, half time. Seahawks, 20-7.

    Booth, you’re the only person I know at the game. Give Zillionaire Nation an update on the scene at Quest Field, aka The KingDome II.

  17. And the halftime show…

    The Washtucna High marching band and color guard.

    Everyone knows, you can’t have a marching band without a color guard.

  18. Seahawks 27-7.

    Wow. Never would have predicted this.

    Btw, my buddy Hepworth is like a Plains Indian when it comes to wings. He eats the whole wing… cartilage, ligament, you name it. Nothing goes to waste.

  19. 4th quarter… 15 minutes away from the Super Bowl.

    I’m on my 7th beer. I’m terrified right now. It would take the greatest comeback in NFL history for the Panthers to win right now, which virtually guarantees a victory for them.

  20. Good grief. It seems the Centaur thinks this site is his personal chatroom now. Don’t mind him, he’s just one year away from an AOL account technologically.

    But the game is spectacular. I don’t think I’ve ever seen the Seahawks actually demoralize another team. Sure they might win, but there’s usually some fluke involved. This looks to be an old fashioned, vaudevillian, pre-World War I, straight up steam-powered beating. I’m tickled magenta, just a shade away from pink!

  21. Agreed. I’m going to have to train intensely if I’m going to be belligerent during the Super Bowl. I need to be able to punch through walls and not feel pain in two weeks.

    34-14, Seahawks at this point.

  22. If anyone still owns a vintage Seahawks Starter jacket, circa 7th grade, let me know.

    I’m willing to cash in my 401k for such an item.

  23. Game over. I love how there’s no doubt.

    So gratifying. No questionable calls. No fluke plays. The Seahawks dominated. They earned this. Wow. I’m speechless.

    I’m so glad I posted 97 comments on my own post. I’ll have to re-read all of this when I’m sober, 72 hours from now.

  24. It may not be vintage, but there is a beautiful polyester jacket hanging at the cabin on orcas. If you sweet talk Irene she may UPS it over for you.
    (From what I hear she is a huge fan of this site)

  25. I apologize for not giving a halftime post, but I was swamped with five stories at the game.

    Anyway, it was pretty unreal. The crowd was ridiculously loud, Carolina couldn’t get anything going. They threw to Steve Smith six times. SIX! He’s the most explosive player on the field and they throw to him that few times. You saw on the punt return just how talented he is.

    Also, Matt Hasselbeck is really, really good. The guy has grown up and just controls games now. It was really, really impressive.

    HOLY SHIT, they’re going to the Super Bowl. My God, hell has froze over.

  26. Congratulations, gentlemen. While driving from Duvall back to Seattle (the entire span of 520) I didn’t go more than 5 seconds w/o hearing horns blaring, or people waving their arms out their car window or sunroof screaming – unbelievable.

  27. You guys should see Kirkland all decorated up and going nuts! The training facility was covered in fans this morning I guess assuming the players would be there. A couple painted their faces for this occasion. I honked and cheered the two times I passed it already today! UNREAL!!!

  28. Everytime I look at this post I cringe. I’m afraid we’ve jinxed it. I mean, really…

    Ryan wrote seven o’s in good.

    Brenda dropped a caps lock UNREAL (triple exclamation).

    Danielle witnessed unsafe highway behavior in the name of victory.

    Dave Munger wrote the most tangled of tongue-twisters he was so excited. I seriously read that sentence as Hoot hoot root moot.

    Booth is fired up. He actually believes hell hadn’t frozen already. (I seem to remember a cold snap back in 2002 that really hit hell hard. I wasn’t aware it had thawed.)

    And Panda and the Centaur are already fighting over a polyester jacket which won’t fit either of them.

    I’m just saying…

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