I’ve been a Seahawks fan for 20 years. I’ve been unabashedly on their bandwagon all season. They’re playing the most important game in franchise history at home this weekend. All of this means one thing: I have a strong sense of impending doom right now.
I’m sure you’ve heard this one before, but allow me to share a very old joke that is part of Seahawks lore:
The police respond to a case of child abuse. Clearly, the boy needed to be removed from the home, as he had been badly beaten. The policeman asked the child where he wanted to live, and the boy said, “I want to live with the Seahawks, ’cause they don’t beat anybody!”
I admit it’s not very funny. It’s hard to find humor in child abuse. But, it’s a true story. You see; I was that abused boy, sent to live with the Seahawks 20 years ago.
And I know how the Seahawks operate. In the interest of fairness, I thought I would offer the Panthers some tips on how to avoid a beating:
Don’t Keep the Score Close: This was the Redskins’ first mistake. If you want to beat the Seahawks, you need to let them have a lead of about eight touchdowns with three minutes to play. Once it becomes clear that it will take the greatest comeback in NFL history to win the game, that’s when the wheels will invariably come off for the Seahawks.
Avoid Key Injuries: I’m not referring to your roster. I’m talking about the Seahawks roster. If you injure a Seahawks starter, be prepared for one of our backups to come in that is unaccustomed to choking in a big game.
Challenge Every Call: No matter how obvious the ruling on the field, there is always an official willing to invent a reason why the play should be overturned to go against the Seahawks. Sure, the referees will make the “challenge” appear to look authentic. The official will go in the little video booth for a minute or two, and emerge to say, “After reviewing the play, the Seahawk player clearly double-dribbled. The touchdown is overruled, and the Panthers will shoot two free-throws.” Seriously, if I were the Panthers, I’d even challenge the coin flip.
So this is it. If the Seahawks win on Sunday it will easily be my greatest thrill as a sports fan. I hope this post appeases the Football Gods to reverse-jinxing the inevitable Seahawk debacle. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go paint a Seahawks logo on my chest. Gotta support the team!