Homeroom Announcements

If anyone is looking for a Christmas gift for me, may I suggest some sort of a Zillionaire Bat-Signal. As it stands now, we are essentially reduced to posting a daily bulletin and relying on homeroom reps to stand at the front of the room to alert everyone of the breaking news… (sigh)

Another One Bites the Dust: First, let’s give our sincerest congratulations to Bailes & Kami on their recent engagement. I think it’s more of a relief, really. Bailes is now free from the pressure cooker that every woman turns into when her marital clock starts ticking.

And now Bailes, I offer you some marital observations. I liken a man getting married to putting a lion in captivity. There are some advantages. For instance, they will generally live longer, be better fed, and have fewer diseases than roaming in the wild. However, you’ll begin to understand why it is such a landmark and newsworthy event when an animal actually breeds in captivity.

In all seriousness, Kami is a great catch. She passed the standard test I administer to all women seeking to marry into the Zillionaire bloodlines. It all happened on a camping trip two summers ago… I sat down next to her while holding a beer in one hand and a cigar in the other hand. As both my hands were full, this left me unable to defend myself against mosquito attacks without setting my beer down. Since neither of us wanted to see that happen, Kami agreed to swat any mosquitoes that landed on me so that I could fully concentrate on drinking and smoking. With Kami killing mosquitoes by the dozen, I was able to focus all of my attention and energy to the vices in my hands. That, my friends, is the mark of a damn good woman.

Guests of Honor: I hope you didn’t really believe that Krusty and Maleah would miss the unveiling of the Zillionaire’s Lounge. I’ll admit I was worried, but as we always do, we found a way to make the plan come together. Hannibal from the A-Team would have been proud.

Of course, his trip up North will mean that a few hundred children at Krusty’s camp will be left in the wilderness without food, medicine or supervision of any kind. It will only be for a couple of days, though. As Krusty has assured me, it usually takes about a week before things develop into a scene from “Lord of the Flies.” Anything short of that is just building character.

And so, I am pleased to announce that we can all look forward to spending a solid 10-12 hours with Krusty before a concussion on the ski slopes renders him a vegetable. You’ll soon understand why Maleah skis with a stretcher strapped to her back at all times.

Stocking Stuffers: I know, technically, it isn’t the last minute. However, I just wanted to remind everyone that there is still time before Christmas to order Jon Solo’s latest release, Piano. It’s different than every other CD in my collection, and it will be played heavily in the rotation at the Zillionaire’s Lounge. But truthfully, the ideal location to listen to Solo’s music is in your car.

Only a month ago, I was routinely running school buses and ambulances off the road during my morning commute. I had as much regard for the posted speed limit as the Dukes of Hazzard. And I had even mastered the “Terminator II method” of steering a vehicle at top speed while simultaneously re-cocking a shotgun.

Now, I just pop in Solo’s CD. My drive is relaxing instead of stressful. So when you’re looking for a gift for those difficult to shop for, give the gift of serenity. Pedestrians the world over will thank you for it.

2 thoughts on “Homeroom Announcements”

  1. Thanks for the advice buddy. It seems like I’ve received a lot of advice lately, and, of course, most of it negative. I’m starting to think that this wasn’t such a sweet deal after all… spend my life savings on a ring, then deal with wedding planning for the next year, then only have sex on rare occasions for the rest of my miserable existence. Well shit…

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