Month: July 2016

After telling friends about a fascinating article he read online detailing a new scientific breakthrough in solar power, local man Dave Allen was forced to confess he only read the headline when his knowledge of said article buckled under casual questioning during dinner conversation.

“When Dave started talking about this new advancement in solar technology, the whole table was intrigued and all turned their attention to him. I mean, we’re all concerned about climate change and reducing our dependency on fossil fuels, so hearing positive news on the subject from a knowledgable source was exciting,” said Matt Neshound, friend and host for the evening meal.

“But when my wife Kate asked if it was a US-based company or research team that made the advancement and Dave took a bite of his lasagna and mumbled he ‘couldn’t recall exactly,’ I knew something was fishy. And it wasn’t the lasagna because it was vegetarian.”

According to another dinner guest, signs of the deception were evident from the very beginning when Mr. Allen didn’t source the originating publication responsible for his recent wisdom. “Even though I was listening, I was skeptical at the onset when Dave said he read this scientific article he saw on Facebook. We all know Facebook isn’t an accredited outlet for publishing well-researched academic papers. It’s basically Huff Po with pictures of your friends’ babies and beers mixed in. I actually hate Facebook,” lectured James Seville, friend, online curmudgeon and fellow meal partaker.

The duplicitous nature of the fraud was revealed in its entirety under a simple line of inquiry from out-of-towner and infrequent supper companion Arge Wood who, unbeknownst to Mr. Allen, works in the alternative energy sector. “Poor guy,” said Mr. Wood. “I knew he was full of it from the get go but I didn’t want to seem rude so I let him say his piece. Then I just politely started digging. Nothing too hard. Just lobbing softballs really. I wasn’t trying to humiliate him. I just didn’t want him wasting everyone’s time with his nonsense. I only have dinner with this group of friends once or twice a year.”

Under the mounting pressure from the brief interrogation, Mr. Allen became agitated and uncomfortable. He recalled the lights in the room seemed especially bright and focused on him in that moment. Trapped in a web of lies of his own making, he was forced to finally come clean. “Ok, so I only glanced at the headline as I scrolled through my feed,” he explained.

Later, upon reflection, Mr. Allen opined, “Everything would have been fine had Mr. Wood not been invited to dinner. I have quoted from hundreds of articles I’ve never read in the past. Nobody ever had a problem with it before.”

Men have it good. Maybe too good. We grow old, we’re more “distinguished.” We go bald, we’re better looking! We lose our chiseled physique, we have a sexy Dad Bod! It’s all rainbows and unicorns for us guys.

How far we can take this Dad Bod craze? Where will society draw the line? Of course, some enterprising (albeit unimaginative) Internet Zillionaire-wannabe has already cornered the “Grandpa Bod” market with this t-shirt on Zazzle.

A true Internet Zillionaire can do better than that. In fact, for the last few years I’ve been hard at work perfecting the next evolution of the Dad Bod. I’ve put myself through an insane regimen. I’ve been skipping weights at the gym and instead going for personal records (PRs) at the all-you-can-eat buffet. I’ve cut out all broccoli from my diet and doubled up on croissants and gummy candy. I drink the recommended 64 ounces each day but I substitute Mr. Pibb for Mr. H20 (water, if you call it by its less formal name). I liken it to the body transformation process movie actors put themselves through when preparing for a role. So, of course, I found the inspiration for the next male body type in the title character of a well-known movie. I call it Shrek Bod.

Shrek Bod is the new Dad Bod

If women thought Dad Bod said “we like being the pretty one” and “good eats”, Shrek Bod pushes the envelope even further. It screams “you aren’t the person I fell in love with” and “you ate all the donut holes in one sitting?”

While a little belly fat and some love handles are the major distinguishing features of a dad bod, the defining characteristics of Shrek Bod are a huge, protruding gut and a really flabby neck which completely swallows the chin.

The movie character Shrek has a green complexion, but Shrek Bod is more of a pasty white. Lack of sun, extreme shame of putting on a swimsuit, and general fear of going out and being recognized contribute significantly to this coloration.

Who loves the Shrek Bod?

While men do have it good, it turns out society has drawn a line. Shrek Bod crosses way over it. Truth be told, Shrek Bod has some unforeseen yet major flaws. Heterosexual women want nothing to do with it. And, among its practitioners, it slowly and silently erodes all self-confidence. Thankfully, the process can be reversed and the effects will wear off.

So if you see me eating carrots sticks and broccoli soup this summer, don’t mind me. I’m just working on my Dad Bod.