How to Greet a Zillionaire

Are your co-workers tired of you coming in to work bruised and bashed, reeking of human soap, dripping a trail of blood like a some sort of emergency room Hansel and Gretel? Maybe it’s time to quit that fight club you started awhile back and join a real club. The Zillionaire’s club. Because as everyone knows a club based on a movie is so Matrix, but a club based on a blog is so Lord of the Rings. And besides that, it’s easy.

The first step to joining the Zillionaire’s club is learning the greeting. Let me explain…

One day when I was out grocery shopping, I watched an encounter between two men who were obvious acquaintances, but who hadn’t been in one another’s company for some time. Gloriously, the first man shouted to the other from across three checkout lanes, “How goes the battle?” The other man replied with an average, “Fine… And yourself?” This, to me, seemed like a completely wasted opportunity on the second man’s behalf. How often does one get to relate the quills and arrows of life’s epic struggle to a fellow soldier? How often do the troops of the everyday war gather round the campfire of commonhood to share the pains of our earthly existence? Anyone? Anyone? Beuller? Not often enough I say.

And so on that fateful day, “How goes the battle?” became the official greeting of all Zillionaires. Its versatility is amazing, just think of all the possibilities…

At the grocery store:
Zillionaire 1: “How goes the battle?”
Zillionaire 2: “The troops are hungry and restless. They’ve sent me here to gather supplies for the coming apocalypse.”

At the bank or credit union:
Zillionaire 1: “How goes the battle?”
Zillionaire 2: “The enemy has raided our forts and stole all the bullion. The Major has sent me here to see if we have enough left to get the grunts some new socks.”

At the movies:
Zillionaire 1: “How goes the battle?”
Zillionaire 2: “We’ll, the Colonel’s off in Mogadishu and he’s asked me to make sure this thing doesn’t turn into the next Vietnam. He’s hidden a secret code in this movie here, which gives me the coordinates of my next special ops mission.”

At a party:
Zillionaire 1: “How goes the battle?”
Zillionaire 2: “Our numbers are dwindling fast. I’m here to enlist as many recruits as possible. It’s gonna be a long cold winter in Delaware, people.”

Now that is a greeting fit for a zillionaire!

6 thoughts on “How to Greet a Zillionaire”

  1. how goes the battle, fellow Internet Zillionaire patrons? (god, that’s great!) when i came upon this site i was like, is this guy for real?! i’ve been searching for the best million, or should i say zillion, dollar idea for some time now and when i arrived here i knew someone else had answered my calling! i don’t even know how, but it seems like you could bank off of this concept. what if you like made tee shirts or something that say, “who wants to be a zillionaire?” you could have a whole line of products! anyway, i just started my own kick ass web site at (maybe we could partner or something) and if you want to reach me to talk about the tee shirt idea or if you need *reinforcements* you should email me at until next time, keep fightin the good fight, comrade!

  2. If anybody needs some great jewelry cleaning supplies, then you must check out the bedazzlers website. First, you can embellish your jean jacket in multi-colored rhinestones, then when the layers upon layers of Swisher Sweet smoke enclose your cubic zirconias, razzle dazzle comes to the rescue with its miracle product. You might say that god has thrust his hand down to help us with one of life’s premium struggles. I just thought it was important that everyone knew how I felt.

  3. First off, yes, a t-shirt line is in the works. I was thinking I’d throw in a free bottle of razzle-dazzle with every order of a zillion or more, to keep with the theme of this site. Don’t worry b. dazzle, I’ll let you know when that happens.

    Second, I would like to point out that unless these comments quit straying off topic, I am going to SHUT THEM DOWN! Ha… just joking, a little forum humor there.

    Third, I would like to thank both b. dazzle and CK for their comments. I went through a period as I was editing this article in which I was very unhappy with it, thought I had no value as a person, blah blah blah, and so it’s nice to hear positive feedback.

  4. Tried greeting #2 at the bank. Severely reprimanded by decrepit old man, acting as security guard. The night stick was brandished (and I don’t mean it that way). Apparently, mentioning enemy and bullion in the same sentence implies bank robbery.

  5. We’ll this idea is really backfiring as of late. First CK was reprimanded and now solo is singing this ditty to the tune of today’s world… You all forgot the first rule of the greeting… it is for zillionaires only. It is the secret knock on the clubhouse door. It is the sly handshake for those in the know. It is like dialing nine to get an outside line… Of course if you just forget that point, all sorts of havoc can happen…

    Me (forgetting to dial 9 first): “Hi, is this Domino’s Pizza?”
    Crafty Bad Person (aka smarter than me): “Yes, and your credit card number first please…”
    Me (drooling): “No problem… I’ve got two, do you want me to tell you the raised numbers on both of them?”

    You see, dialing nine is a ridiculous and confusing system and whoever implemented it didn’t realize the ways that a pizza that never even gets delivered to me could cost $386 dollars.

    Where was I? Oh yes, you can’t just forget to dial nine and start asking every Yahoo Serious you see “How goes the battle?” That is bound to cost you and you might just have to cut up your credit cards and get a new bank account, etc, etc…

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