Zillion Dollar Idea #836

I’m about five seconds away from getting out some toilet paper, scissors, and masking tape in order to fashion the world’s first “Toilet Paper Glove.” I know what you’re thinking and, no, it is not related to my loss of innocence (although, note to self: look into non-tearing, quilted, two-ply “toilet paper glove” with “handy” roller dispenser). Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, the “toilet paper glove.”

I’m sick of trying to change my bad habits. I want services and products that adapt to me, instead of forcing me to change the “bad” behaviors that have become hard-wired in my brain. I’m talking about the same concept that brought us the dentist, people. Instead of “brushing my teeth” or “flossing,” I just pay the dentist to jackhammer in my gums for a few hours and, voila, I come out looking like a famous literary character (Hint: scroll down to the block quote) . To this day, I laugh maniacally whenever I see someone wasting their time on dental hygiene!

Which brings me to the “toilet paper glove” again. I’m considering crafting a “toilet paper glove” so that I can just wipe my runny nose with my hand as I do usually, except this way it will be sanitary. And I won’t have to wipe all the accumulating hand-snot on my jeans. Or on my socks. Or on the cuff of my long-sleeve shirt. Or on the inside of my pants pockets. Or on my boxer shorts. (Cue the Forrest Gump rip-off music.) Or on my hairnet. Or on my legwarmers. Or on my excessively large russian fur hat…

One box of “toilet paper gloves” (the name has a sort of “ring” to it, don’t you think) will only cost like $10 bucks or so. I figure, if everyone is like me, they’d probably pay $10 seeing that it will offset 97% of all laundry costs. For example, one dry-cleaning of my excessivley large russian fur hat usually runs $15 or so.

6 thoughts on “Zillion Dollar Idea #836”

  1. While zillion dollar idea #836 is loads better than that paltry zillion dollar idea #447, I think you’re missing out on a larger issue here. Regardless of the ring that “toilet paper gloves” (I originally spelled that toiley paper gloves and I especially like the sound of that) may have, if I’m not mistaken there’s an entire industry out there devoted to a better product for such an occasion. Its called facial tissue, or Kleenex, if you’re into one of those brand name sniffers. To me toilet paper gloves is merely a billion dollar idea whereas Kleenex brand Schnoz Wiper Mittens is the actual zillion dollar winner.
    Who’s with me here?
    Mittens are “somuchbetta” as they say someplace. “Who says that?” you may ask, and to that I shout, “People who buy Kleenex brand Schnoz Wiper Mittens, that’s who!!”

    Pardon me as I clear my throat.
    Thank you.
    However, it really isn’t for me to question the true internet zillionaires. I have mere internet trillions to my credit (see tagline at bottom) therefore, my opinion obviously counts for less. So, I report, you decide.

    In conclusion, (which I must say, DA was severely lacking in some sort of finale on this one. Wrap it up, kid!) in my humble but absolutely 100% correct opinion: toilet paper gloves=billion dollar idea
    toiley paper gloves=trillion dollar idea
    Kleenex brand Schnox Wiper Mittens=priceless

    Did I cheeze out at the end too much?

  2. I’d also like to congratulate the internet zillionaires on their 1-month anniversary. Good job, folks.

    Also, does anyone else miss b.dazzle. I get all teary-eyed when I think about him. (or her, but seriously, its gotta be a him)

  3. I have to pop in to share my disapointment with the zillionaires ridiculous need for snot removal equipment. After all I thought I had taught you better. The true renaissance man needs only one technique to have a clear and snot free sniffer. Once you have mastered the plug and fire all commercial products become obselete. The trick is plugging one nostril filling your lungs with air and then forcing that air out the open nostril. It sounds easier than it is. Many hours of practice will lead you to realize that focusing on trying to expell your brain matter along with the snot really will give you the right level of force needed. Now don’t get discouraged if you have a few messy misfires, that is natural. Keep pushing forward and soon your hands will never again be burdened with nose goo. All of the extra money you save can go directly to reseaching zillionaire idea # 837 (automatic beer retrival system).

  4. Krusty, the thought of you blowing snot all over yourself just makes my day. Thanks for that. I’m sorry, snot gloves are a ridiculous idea. Snot sleeves on the other hand, brilliant!

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