Zillionaire’s Official Product Endorsements

I’m happy to launch a new, and hopefully ongoing tribute to products and services that I happily endorse. There are not many things I’m willing to lend my good name towards, and the few that merit mentioning in this space are definitely items that no Zillionaire should be without. Regrettably, I am not actually paid to endorse any of these products, thus you can be sure that the testimonials on this site cannot be compromised or influenced in any way. That is, unless you want to pay us for an endorsement, in which case we’ll happily rename the site to “InternetSell-Out.com”

With that said, it should be no mystery which product will get the initial glowing recognition in this space. This whole concept was born with one specific product in mind. If you can’t guess where I’m going with this, then I suggest you turn in your Zillionaire decoder ring, scrub off your Zillionaire temporary tattoos, and forget the secret handshake because you’re off the team. Seriously, you’re done. Get out. And no, your membership dues will not be refunded.

For those that are still here, I present a product infinitely worthy of the praise of Zillionaires, a product that has enriched all of our lives… THE XBOX. Actually, the “Never-Ending Happiness Machine” would have been a better, more accurate marketing name. And frankly, I think we were a little premature in bestowing the title of “man’s best friend” on the family dog. Simply put, the XBox provides more bliss than a combination of Prozac and Viagra, and it doesn’t even require a prescription.

First, I present a brief history about how I acquired my XBox. It was the summer of 2002; Paris Hilton was not a celebrity, the word “Governator” hadn’t been coined, and everyone answered their phone with the phrase “Whaaasssssuppp!!!” In other words, all was right with the world. I had recently taken an extremely difficult actuarial exam, and I decided that if I received a passing score, I would reward myself by purchasing an XBox. I waited six weeks for the results to be posted, each day growing more and more excited to bring home my little bundle of joy. The day after my failing score was posted, I said, “Hell with it,” and bought an XBox anyway.

Needless to say, the relationship blossomed quickly, and soon we were completely inseparable… (Picture a hazy montage of images of the XBox and I riding a bicycle built-for-two, paddling a canoe, and running on the beach together…)

Now, when it comes to video game systems, the XBox stands head and shoulders above the competition. There is absolutely no debate on this issue, and yet so many PlayStation 2 owners like to delude themselves into thinking they own the superior machine. I’m convinced it’s a mild form of mental illness. XBox owners can provide a litany of valid reasons for choosing their system, like better graphics, games and sound. PlayStation 2 owners unfailingly counter with the argument, “Hey, at least I can use my controller to operate the built-in DVD player!” Yep, that’s their ironclad defense for owning a PlayStation 2. This is like saying your Ford Focus is better than a Ferrari because of its larger cup holder. Like an OJ Simpson juror, PlayStation 2 owners choose to believe their system is better, regardless of irrefutable facts and evidence to the contrary.

Anyway, the purpose of this post is not to expose the inferiority of the PlayStation 2, but rather to praise the XBox. Let’s just say that my XBox is more than a video gaming system, it is a member of the family (much to the chagrin of my wife.) In fact, I recently named my XBox the sole heir of my estate. Some day, I can envision lecturing my kids with lines like “You got a C-minus in History?! Why can’t you be more like the XBox? You don’t see him coming home with bad grades.” And so forth.

I can’t begin to quantify how many countless hours of fun the XBox has provided, and there is truly no other product worthy to be the inaugural entry on our new Product Endorsements section. I honestly can’t envision my life without my XBox, and I would hate to be in a position someday where a loved one and my XBox were both drowning in a river and I only had time to save one of them…

Coming soon, I’ll share some other products that have exceeded the high standards of this Zillionaire.

One thought on “Zillionaire’s Official Product Endorsements”

  1. Sadly, as the wildfires continue to rage right around my home, we are forced to make lists of “important” items to be saved when or if the times comes.
    After the XBox, Playstation 2, Gamecube, and supporting games are safely evacuated, we will gather up ourselves, the dog, and all important files and relocate to a non-flammable television-infested area.

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