Do me a favor. Take out your driver’s license. Flip it over. Does it read “Organ Donor?” If yes, give yourself a high-five and congratulate yourself for not being a completely selfish organ hoarder. If it doesn’t identify you as organ donor, go to your local church, steal the biggest, most elaborate pipe organ you can fit in your hatchback and donate it right away. Maybe then, God will forgive you.
Of course, being the saintly guy that I am, I have gladly taken it a step further. I am proclaiming right now that I don’t need to wait for death to come knocking on my door in order to turn the good deed. I am hereby willing to donate any and all of my vestigial organs to any who need them… on one condition, however. Your need for my vestigial organs must be life-threatening. That’s it.
So if your appendix is over it’s 10-year, 100,000 mile warranty and you want a new one, prove to me you couldn’t live without mine and viola, it’s yours. Same goes for your nipple. What do I need my nipples for? I’ve been looking at these same little nipples for a long time anyway so feel free to give them a test drive and see if you want an upgrade. I could use a blank slate at the moment.
There, I’ve done it. Wow. Some intense emotions are building up in me right now. I’ll tell you, there is nothing as satisfying as giving the gift of life. It’s better than that packet of anklet socks I got for Christmas even. They say giving is better than receiving but I always thought that was a crock of bull, but now I’m seeing things differently. I’d say they are about even in my mind now (note: condition only applies when life is on the line).
So I guess I’ll be starting a list, but I don’t want to compete with that “other” list so I’m not going to publicize it too much. Plus, the media might make me out to be a hero or something and that is not what I’m after. (A few press clippings for my scrapbook wouldn’t hurt though.)
I’m sensing there might be some questions regarding my gracious offer, so fire away. And no, I don’t consider my charming good looks or my “junk” vestigial organs no matter how little they are being used right now.
Has anyone claimed your vestigial tail or third butt cheek?
All I’m interested in are the deformities…
Could we do a trade? You could use some color to your skin, and I’d like to climb the economic/social ladder faster.
MR, I’ll leave you my third butt cheek in my will (add it to your world-class collection next to John Cleese’s dulap), but the tail… that is my special friend. I’m banking on a second career someday as a cover boy for those supermarket tabloids. I’ve got more deformities than even they care to imagine.
Solo, sounds completely fair. But does that mean I can resurrect my rap career? Of course, no touring.
DA– While you’re doing such a good, unselfish thing, why not do a little something for yourself too? I mean why should all these people benefit and you get nothing but a scar out of the deal. Consider this… http://www.kirotv.com/health/2303573/detail.html.
MR– Sorry I didn’t chime in with the V Day crisis but I went shopping on Sunday and was stuck in the costco parking lot all day yesterday.