A Muff for All Seasons

As winter motions to the charging spring to let it “play through”, I’m both elated and slightly melancholy. You see, with the passing of the cold season I am forced to reckon with the fact that I won’t get to see, hear, or utter a word about ear muffs for months. Yes, that’s right, ear muffs. It’s not that I spend all winter jabbering on about ear muffs or anything, but without fail, every time I see someone wearing them I laugh. They seem so practical, yet absurd. Such a great contradiction. Why are they so furry on the outside, I wonder? What about the rest of the head, doesn’t it get cold too? Can I get other fashion accessories that look like music paraphenalia? I’m still waiting for “jewel-case” themed boxer-briefs, for instance (why thank you, that is a clever pun isn’t it!).

But it’s not just the sight of them that makes me chuckle. I love saying the words. Ear muffs. Muffs, in particular, is the humdinger. It’s one of those words that sounds just how it looks. A perfect of example of onomatopoeia, in my opinion. I’m so happy saying it I might just start describing all my clothing using the ear muff formula. It’s easy, just pick a body part that can get cold and is normally protected from the elements by some swath of fabric and add the word “muff or muffs” to it.

Some examples:

  • Shirt = Chest muff
  • Bra = Breast muffs
  • Scarf = Neck muff
  • Boxer-briefs = Nut muffs
  • And my personal favorite… Panties = Muff muffs

It’s only a matter of time before this catches on, I think. And don’t forget, you muffed it here first. I think I just found a new nickname for that next someone special I meet as well… the muffler!

Note from management: I apologize for the graphic nature of the above, but I think you’ll agree PG-13 is sometimes way funnier than G. Please keep the comments decent. We are getting hits from Google now.

10 thoughts on “A Muff for All Seasons”

  1. Here’s an SAT-type analogy:

    “Sean Combs is to Puff Daddy as Dave Allen is to ______:”

    A. Muff Daddy
    B. Muff Diddy
    C. Snoop Muffy Muff
    D. M.C. Muffer
    E. Da’ Muff
    F. Lil’ Muff
    G. Muffy the Vampire Slayer
    H. Muffilla Ice
    I. Tupac Muffur
    J. MuffMan (Oh yeah!)
    K. Muffie Smalls
    L. Muffer Flav
    M. The Man in the Iron Muff
    N. The Artist Formerly Known as Muff
    O. Scab
    P. Soup
    Q. Ice Muff
    R. Fungi
    S. Mini Muff
    T. ‘Murfette
    U. The Muffler
    V. The Rebel Muffillionaire
    W. Alexander the Muff
    X. The Muffrentice
    Y. Muffy Muff and the Funky Bunch
    Z. All of the Above

  2. Nice list, MR! You just upgraded your street credibility from roughly 0.5 to a 3 or 4! I’m partial to Muffie Smalls myself, but I think the “all of the above option” is technically the correct answer.

    What I would give to see an artist’s rendition of The Man in the Iron Muff, though…

  3. Guess what? I’m bored at work… And what’s that? Is that a dead horse I see?

    Here’s some more:

    The World According to Muff
    Boy Meets Muff
    Mr. Muffvedere
    Alvin and the Chipmuffs
    Muffoleon Dynamite

    ‘muff said

  4. Alright I’ll bite. I actually am enjoying this thread quite a bit, although it seems as if the rest of the world is distracted by a pin dropping somewhere.

    My list:

    Muffy Munka and Muffolate Factory
    President George W. Muff and Vice-President Muff Cheney
    Who Want to be a Muffinaire?
    Muffy Balboa
    The recently-deceased playwright Arther Muffer
    H.R. Muffnstuf
    and of course…

    This could go on for days.

  5. This could go on for days…

    It works for names:
    McMuff the Crimedog
    Ronald McMuff

    It works in slogans:
    The Muff Stops Here
    Give me liberty or give me muff

    And there are a whole lot of TV shows and movies that might have been even better with it in their titles:
    My Favorite Muff
    I Love Muff
    Leave it to Muff
    Who’s the Muff?
    The Three Muffketeers

    You can use it in games:
    Muff Pursuit

    This is getting really good… What a post DA, what a post.

  6. muff dodgers
    muffy cent
    young muff (young buck for those who don’t know)
    R Muffy
    Run D Muff C
    Muff Lang
    Mr. Muffling
    Muff’s R’ Us
    Quit Muffing around

  7. Three Blind Muffs
    Muff Melon
    Cream O’Muff
    Muff nuggets
    and best of all it’s
    Say goodnight Gracie…

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