My So-Called Email Life

Ninety-six percent of my life is virtual. I’ve timed it and I’m always about thirteen seconds away from the Internet. You all know this. For goodness sake, I’m taking more technical support calls than Microsoft these days. Granted, I sat down at MR’s computer over Christmas break and in about five minutes turned it from a stinking pile of crap into a shiny red Ferrari. Needless to say, this doctor doesn’t mind making house calls when a trip to the Zillionaire’s Lounge is involved. So in this virtual life, new social customs are arising. In the interest of science, I feel obliged to share some of the details of my so-called email life.

First off, we are all at very different “virtual lives.” This must be taken into account when writing an email. Am I going to get a response back next week or is it going to be in two minutes? Is this going to be more of a conversation or single-spaced autobiography? For example, I will break this down by analyzing my email habits with some of the commenters on this site. If your results are different with these folks, don’t take offense. These values are not constant and change frequently.

  1. MR: Currently, the forecast for MR is pretty sunny. Right now, I have solid expectations that I will hear back from an email within the hour. The email will also be of notable length. Frequency, due to these factors, is greatly inhibited and average email count is one a day. Some visitors might be surprised to read that these are almost never funny but instead are usually somewhat serious discussions of different facets of our lives.
  2. CK: Forecast on this guy is freezing cold with an occasional absolute blizzard. We’ll go months between emails then one day five or six back and forth. They are always of high quality so perhaps that is the root cause of the dry spells. No fluff. Just straight freestyle, off-the-cuff comedy.
  3. Solo: Little cloudy here. We don’t get into the riffs that we once did on email. I think most of it stems from the fact that last year we both overdosed on virtuality. We were ichatting, isighting, xboxing, and emailing. It was out of control. It was like watching a television show of his life and, let me tell you, that ain’t reality tv. That is like watching the Discovery channel. He is the whole circus people, not just the dancing bears. I kid, I joke… :)
  4. Etc.. (See, I didn’t leave you out. You know who you are. Yeah, this is for you. I shouted you out on the website. Yes, you! You reading this.)

Another facet of this conversation is about quality not quantity. I can’t always bring my “A” game. In fact, I rarely do. I’m ok with that. Sometimes, I’m just conducting business. Sometimes I’m catching up. Sometimes I’m trying to get you to respond with some witty banter so we go back and forth. Be thankful when you receive these emails as it’s kinda like the behind the scenes look at Zillionaire. The E! True Hollywood Emails of the site, if you will.

In conclusion, I eagerly await converting my existence to a 100% online lifestyle. It was my New Year’s resolution after all. I hope to see you all on the other side.

7 thoughts on “My So-Called Email Life”

  1. I like how your emailing universe essentially consists of three people, two of which are doubtful to email you back.

    I will say this, I welcome the virtual Dave. I can’t wait for CGI technology to advance beyond giving us crap like “Spring Break Shark Attack” and characters like Jar Jar Binks. When CGI Dave is superimposed over the “blue screen” that is all our lives, the world will be a better place.

  2. I am totally with you on this one. I’m about 75% virtual and 25% real during the week…and then it totally depends on the weather on the weekend. If it’s rainy, I dare say I’m pushing 85% virtual.

    I want to see the next level, where we are all just sharing our living rooms online and, inevitably, our bedrooms…

    Ewww, wait a second…

  3. funny how we never isight. it’s better to only virtually see you, as in my head. when i hear your voice all i see is a halo 2 suit with a helmet. sometimes a gas mask (rainbow six).

  4. I am about 35 percent virtual and feel sorry for those of you like DA who only see about 8 minutes of sunlight a day and have computer screen images burned into your eyes. 34 percent of my virtual life is as velvety Krusty the Halo 2 warrior. This part of my virtual life is acceptable only because it includes neverending violence. I am not one of the three members of DA’s entire virtual world. My theory behind this is that in the small amount of time that DA spends XBOXING with me he is angered and offended constantly. Leaving the real world so far behind has left DA with a shattered sense of human relations. This leads to the inability to flip me back enough crap to quiet me down while I’m cold cocking him all night. I’m just playing with you DA (kinda).

  5. Believe me, those three aren’t the only ones I email. They just were good examples of the polar extremes of my email life.

    I figure the remaining four percent of my real life consists of eating lunch. Today I went home and played Halo with Solo at lunch so I might be pushing close to 98% now. Wish me luck!

  6. krusty i think you’re onto something. i know i personally spend most my time indoors looking at a computer screen. however some of us just wanna stack chedda’, foo! ain’t no G stacks at camp meatballs. just kidding, i’d love to be in the woods right now chillin, but you know you hate your wack connection.

  7. I think the fact that I am responding to this post a full week after it’s original date sums up my virtual-nessitude. I have no excuses for this lack of email response, other than the fact that my job consists of emailing people back and forth upwards of 50 times a day. I get a little sick of pushing the send button.

    But to bring up a point that is 100% necessary, Spring Break Shark Attack was beyond phenomenal in all aspects. Acting: superb Storyline: Unmatched OC character usage: Top-notch CGI graphics: So bad they’re guffaw inspiring, which is exactly what makes this movie the top contender for an Emmy!

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