Gonzaga Player Profiles

Well, it’s March Madness time, meaning I am yet again staking my happiness to how well Gonzaga does in the tournament. As a public service, I’m providing some brief profiles of my favorite team in the tourney, in case others are interested in following them as well. And yes, I realize that this post has just doomed them to early elimination.

Adam Morrison: The mustache angle has been overdone in the national media. Frankly, that story is played-out.

…long pause…
…shifting eyes…
…cracking knuckles…

Unfortunately, I can’t walk past a dead horse without subjecting it to my own merciless beating:

If you haven’t seen Morrison’s mustache, simply tune into today’s game, or catch any episode of The George Lopez Show. I’m serious. I was flipping through channels the other day and saw that the Mexican kid that plays George’s 13-year old son has the exact same haircut and facial hair. Trust me, it actually makes the show worth watching when he’s on camera.

On a related topic, I present to you a new definition of wasted time: I spent over an hour (on company time) searching for a current mustachioed headshot of Luis Armand Garcia (the child actor cast as George’s son.) I searched Google and every “George Lopez Show” related fan site on the Internet. Thankfully, there were only three such websites. I only tell you this to illustrate the pain and sacrifice I endure to try and put funny content on this website. Here’s the best I could do:

First, Adam Morrison:

And now Luis Armand Garcia: (sorry that it’s only a side view… just trust me about the mustache part.)

Onto the rest of the team:

Derek Raivio: He’s the starting shooting guard. If it looks as though he’s about 14 years old, that’s because he is. He’s got an unreal fake ID. Ironically, he’s the one guy on the team that could justify a bad teenage mustache.

David Pendergraft: Introducing the token really white guy. (On Gonzaga’s roster, you need to clarify the degree of whiteness.) He’s a role player, he takes charges, and he even has red hair. By any standard of measure, this makes him the quintessential white guy on a college basketball team.

P-Mac: Also known as Pierre Marie Altidor Cespedes. If his name doesn’t scare you, neither will his nationality: French Canadian.

Erroll Knight: Treading carefully as I type this… let’s just say he’s the anti-Pendergraft.

Jeremy Pargo: Backup point guard. What he lacks in height and stature, he makes up for in cockiness and trash-talking. Such is always the case.

J.P. Batista: He’s easy to spot, just look for a 6-10 Brazilian center, weighing 280+. He’s a solid player, but unfortunately has the same vertical leap of my wife in her second trimester.

Sean Mallon: He’s the starting power forward. Although, “power” might be too strong a word. Maybe “persistent”? Or perhaps “moderate”? I like that one. He’s our starting moderate forward.

So that’s it. Let the games begin, and Go Zags!!!

13 thoughts on “Gonzaga Player Profiles”

  1. It’s to bad none of these guys have basketball player in their profiles. No one showed up to play other than morrison.

  2. I’m seriously surprised at how tame these profiles are! For my two cents, I’m going to share some player nicknames I’ve been working on throughout the season:

    Sean Mallon = MarshMallon. I think he might gain a little bit more court cred if he drew the outline of muscles on his triceps with a sharpie…

    Derek Raivio = Smeagol. Just pay a little more attention the next time he gets a good close-up on camera – switch his uni to some filthy rags, add a little stringy hair, and there you go. plus he treats the ball like his ‘precious’, except for all the times he’s turned it over lately.

    those are the best so far, but i did hear Morrison being compared to a famous female newscaster the other morning on ESPN radio. the woman was not named, but it was a sick mental picture nonetheless.

    Oh, and the official “SHIT!” count from my mom = 17 in the second half alone. I didn’t swear much out loud, but did have approximately four minor strokes that i’m now recovering from.

  3. Krusty, I agree fully. Gonzaga barely survived their first round matchup with Xavier.

    After that performance, Mallon might need to be downgraded to the position of passive forward.

    In the interest of full disclosure, I should probably come clean. After talking them up all year, I dropped Gonzaga from my 8 team lineup in the Zillionaire pool. I feel horrible about it, but damnit, there’s a video IPod at stake!


    Insufferable boasting about to commence!

    Yes, I have Northwestern State (14), which just beat Iowa (3) in my Zillionaire pool. And yes, all of my teams are still alive.

    And of course, none of you will get to play with my Video IPod once I win.

  5. My pool’s all messed up. It didn’t give me a point for the Bradley win, and also crossed off Pitt even though they won. Crazy stuff.

    Anyway I’m not overly worried about Gonzaga’s close call with Xavier. Xavier should have been a higher seed than 14 anyway.

  6. It takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong. That’s why I’m generally considered a small man.

    But I will admit that Mallon played like a man against Indidana.

    I hereby reinstate Mallon to our starting capable forward.

  7. i recently read an excerpt of an article on FoxSports.com calling Morrison a “freak” and “nuts”. couldn’t have said it better myself. but i do applaud the freak for banging the ball against his head 3 times on national television. he definitely secured himself a solid clip in the 2006 tourney recaps.

    for one game, and one game only, i am tentatively designating Mallon as “Muscle Mallon” but i’m only putting the Marsh part on the back burner until he officially self-destructs in the UCLA showdown…

    i’d also like to add my newest nickname:
    Erroll “Nazgul” Knight. is it impossible for him to quietly dunk the ball? i think it is.

    and my bracket is all shot to hell too. damn those upsets!

  8. Well, I’d just like to confirm that Morrison is a freak. That mustache is hideous. I mean, even if it were his good luck charm or something it still isn’t worth it. If I had a mustache like that and was around any of my hillbilly relatives, they would tear me a new one. I had a perfectly normal looking goatee at one time and they were relentless in making fun of it, constantly asking me if there was dirt or something on my face. When he gets to the pros and sucks ass, all that we are going to have to remember him by is that hideous mustache, which will undoubtedly overshadow his tremendous college career. Come on buddy, pull your head out!

  9. This is the epitome of standardness.

    My wife signed us up for “breathing” classes that conflict with the Gonzaga game on Thursday.

    However, since I’m a sporting chap, I’ll go along on one condition: She must actually use the breathing method. We have to get our money’s worth, right? If she agrees to waive an epideral and all other forms of pain killers, and agrees to rely solely on controlled breathing to cope with the agony of childbirth… then I’ll skip the Gonzaga game.

    Seems fair, right?

  10. Luis was hot on George Lopez and of the looks of the picture he got ugly but I would really have to take a good look at him now.

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